Page 74 of One True Loves

“Safe travels, Alex.” I cut him off. I know what I have to do. I know this needs to end here. I can’t risk my heart anymore.

His face falls, and it makes my chest feel tight, my throat hurt. I feel even more sure about my decision because I can’t be with someone who affects me like this. One sad look, and I’m falling apart inside. That’s too dangerous.

“I hate that you’re doing this to us,” he whispers. “Stopping us before we even get a chance to really be—”

“Good night.” I step back so I can shut the door.

His eyes search mine, and he must find what he’s looking for because he nods just once and then gives me a small wave.

“Good night, Lenore.” He shoves his hands in his pockets as he walks away.

Chapter Twenty

The last day is a sea day, as the ship makes its way to our final stop, Barcelona. I order room service for breakfast with my parents’ consent because, as I argue, Wally needs to rest. And after eating fluffy French toast piled with berries, Wally and I meet up with them on the pool deck and spend the afternoon screaming and sliding down the twisty waterslides and floating in the lazy river. Etta acts like a typical ten-year-old without being instructed to, skipping around the splash pad and eating too much soft-serve—and actually seems to like it. It sort of feels like we’re having a whole different vacation. And it feels so good to be light, to have no secrets between us anymore.

Later, after Dad requests a lie-down for his old-man knees and the rest of them hit up bingo, I head over to the business center, one last time. I still have Alex’s unlimited internet card—it’s not like I’m going to go find him to give it back. And I need to talk to Tessa, right now. Maybe this isn’t the best way;maybe I should wait until I get home. But I feel like I have to keep this trend of honesty and openness going. I’m worried if I put it off, I’ll just fall into old patterns with her because it’s easier.

If I’m doing the math right, it should be six a.m. back at home, but somehow I just know Tessa will be there. And sure enough, she answers my video chat request right away. She has a pink satin bonnet on, and she rubs something crusty out of her eyes. It’s clear I woke her up. But still, she smiles when she sees my face.

“Hey, girl, what’s up?”

And with those words, I fall apart.

I don’t know if I’ve ever cried in front of Tessa before. I take that back. IknowI haven’t. I’ve always been the one comforting her, being the moral support.

And I’m not just sorta crying. I’mcryingcrying. The kind of crying you only do alone in your room. Boogers streaming from my nose, gulping and gasping for air, loud sobs that surely shake the walls. It’s like all the tears I’ve been holding in for years saw the coast was clear and decided to explode out of my face and have a big ol’ tear party.

I feel self-conscious. I feel naked. But when I look up at Tessa, she doesn’t look horrified. She doesn’t start making up an excuse to log off and escape. No. Instead, her eyebrows are knit together in concern. Her hand is reaching toward the screen as if she could reach through and touch me.

“Oh no, Lenore,” she says, her voice soft and soothing.“What’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on.”

So I do. I tell her everything. And not just from this trip, but from the very beginning. I tell her all about Marcus and Jay—not the cool, calm, and collected stories I told her at the time, but the real feelings, the ones I swept under the rug. I tell her how I’ve felt sidelined in our relationship at times, the support but rarely the supported. Partly because I’ve kept it that way, but also because she’s never tried to change it. I tell her how I’m not going to NYU, how I’m going to take a gap year and take my time to figure out what makes me happy. How this was probably what I needed to do all along but I didn’t want to feel like a failure in my parents’, or anyone’s, eyes. And I tell her all about Alex, how I let him in, how he broke my heart. And how I’ve accepted that maybe it all reallywasjust a misunderstanding, but I’m sure as hell not going to let him in and risk being shattered like that again.

The Jimmy Buffett guy walks in at one point, takes one look at my face, and then walks right back out.

And when I’m done, Tessa is crying too.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For missing all of this. For letting you weather all these storms alone.”

“It’s okay,” I tell her, sniffling. “It’s okay. I didn’t want you to see.”

“I should have anyway. I—I haven’t been a good friend to you. And I thought I knew better now. I should have been a better friend.”

“You haven’t been abadone.”

“Well, that’s not enough. I’m gonna be better. I’m gonna ask you how you’re feeling every day—”

I hold my hands up and laugh. “Whoa, girl, let’s roll it back a little bit. I don’t need all that—”

“Starting right now.” Her eyes twinkle and she pulls off her bonnet. “I want to delve into what happened with this Alex guy some more.”

“Oh lord! I take it back! I take it back! I have no feelings. Zero feelings.”

“I know you say it’s all over, but I think I may know what happened there.”

“They’re closing the internet down on the ship! I’m losing you!”

Tessa lowers her chin and narrows her eyes at me. “Be real. Let me in, Lenore.”

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