Page 67 of One True Loves

I look to the stage and see Alex standing there, eyes locked on me. Along with hundreds more eyes because now everyone, at every table, is staring at me too.

“Awwwwww!” I hear some woman at the table next to us coo. “Isn’t that the sweetest thing? I love this song!

Alex puts the microphone up to his lips and begins to sing.

“Don’t wanna get ahead of myself

Feeling things I’ve never felt.”

Fuck this. I don’t have to sit around for this show that’s surely not for me.

I push my chair out with a screech, causing my mom to gasp and jump next to me. I throw off her hand on my shoulder and take off, keeping my gaze down on the ground so I can avoid all of the questioning eyes.

There’s a roar in my ears, making me feel like I’m underwater, but I vaguely hear his singing stop, the microphone drop.There are footsteps coming after me, but I don’t turn to see if it’s him or my mom. I don’t want to talk to either of them.

I make it down the fancy stairs into the main lobby and out onto the deck before I have to stop. My head is spinning and my stomach is sloshing. I grab hold of the railing and close my eyes, trying to keep the vomit bubbling up in my throat down by sheer force of will.

I hear someone walk up next to me. “Lenore, I was trying—”

I open my eyes and glare at Alex. “Were you even doing that because you thought it was what I wanted? Or just whata girlshould want? Did you forget that you told me all about your empty grand gestures?” He jumps back with the force of my words. “You don’t even care who you end up with, as long as it’s someone who fits your time frame. You’re using the same kind of shit on me that you used with Natalia. Where is she, anyway?”

“This was for you,” he says, his voice small. “You said—I thought... I wanted to show you how I felt, how important you are to me.”

“Thatwasn’t for me. It’s part of your stupid, soulless plan.” I shake my head. “What happened with Natalia, huh? Did she change her mind again, and now you have to go back to your backup? I heard what you said, about this”—I gesture between us—“just being until we got home.”

He reels back, shocked, but then has the nerve to smile.

“That’s what you heard? Oh, Lenore, oh my god. That sounds so bad, but it wasn’t like that. Ipromiseit wasn’t likethat.” He presses his hands together. “It was closure. I was telling her all aboutyou, and she was joking about how I sounded more excited, more passionate than I ever did with her. And it’s true. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” His smile falls, and he runs his hands through his curls, his eyes wet and wild. “Because... I love you, Lenore.”

Those three words hit me in the chest like a cannon. Did he really just say that? Those words I’ve always wanted to hear?

“That’s what I was talking to Natalia about,” he continues, shaking his head. “That’s what you overheard. I was trying to decide if I should tell you now or wait until we get home. Because I know it’s only been a little while and I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I didn’t want to freak you out by telling you too soon and coming on too strong like I have in the past, but...fuck. I’m so stupid. I went and did that anyway.”

This is the perfect explanation. It would be so easy to accept it and move on. This was all just a misunderstanding.

But it can’t be true. I can’t let myself believe that it’s true and be devastated all over again. This is all too scary. Too much of a risk.

I force myself to look at him in the eyes and say, “This isn’t what you thought it was.” Each word feels like an effort. “This was... a stupid fling, Alex, and you need to move on. You’re being delusional.”

I know I’m being mean. Dishonest. But I know how this goes, how this always ends. And I’m determined to say whatever I need to put my walls back up. To protect myself fromhim hurting me anymore than he already has.

“Don’t do this, Lenore.” he asks, his face breaking apart. My heart breaks again with it. “Talk to me! Be real. We promised we’d be real with each other.”

I swallow furiously. My throat is burning and everything is spinning. I can feel sweat pouring down my back, even though the night air is cool.

“I—”

But I don’t get to finish, because something other than the words I know I need to say comes rushing out of my mouth.

I throw up all over his bright white sneakers.

And then, before he’s even had a chance to process what’s just happened, I turn and run in the opposite direction.

Chapter Eighteen

Not long after, my whole family is crowded into my tiny room. Mom helps me wash my hair in the shower, scrubbing my scalp like she did when I was little, and spraying my hair afterward with my leave-in conditioner that smells like eucalyptus. Dad picks up Dramamine from the gift shop, and Etta tries to help in her own way, informing me of all the side effects I can expect—drowsiness, blurred vision, constipation—until I firmly tell her to shut up. Still, I know I’d gladly take all of that compared to how I’m feeling now.

We sit in silence and watch a stupid rom-com that’s been playing on the movie channel this whole cruise, one of two movies they’ve been cycling through. No one asks any direct questions about what happened, exactly, with Alex, though I can feel them, heavy and thick, in the air. Mom does whisper at one point that they’re sad and disappointed with how things worked out. Disappointed my heart was broken? Ordisappointed that I couldn’t make it work with this boy who’s living the kind of life they wish I was? I don’t ask her to clarify. And I fall asleep right as the movie’s couple is breaking up, which is just as well because that’s where these silly fantasy movies should end.

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