Page 5 of One True Loves

He still hasn’t answered my texts. I hope his parents didn’t make him skip the dance altogether. That would really suck, but maybe I could drive over to his place after the limo drops us off? Or I could even sneak away now, take a Lyft... it’s not like the happy couples would miss me too much. Jay’s room is on the first floor, and the screen punches out pretty easily. We’ve done it before. If only he would answer my texts...

“You’re looking for him, aren’t you?” Tessa asks when we’re sitting at the table, taking a breather.

I guess I wasn’t being as subtle as I thought. I don’t answer her, but my guilty face must give me away.

“I thought you were done with him,” she says sharply, which makes Sam, Theo, and Lavon drop their convo about unicorn fish and zero in on us.

“I didn’t say I was done, just that I was taking a step back.” Even as I’m saying it, I can hear how empty it sounds. I wasn’t taking a step back from Jay; I was taking a step back from bringing him up to my friends. “Listen, he’s not as bad as you guys think he is. He’s really sweet when it’s just us, you know?”

“Lenore, he refused to introduce you to his parents,” Theo says, his voice stern.

“Well, I’ve told you how strict they are. That’s not his fault, and he wishes it was different. It’s only a couple more months before he moves out, and—”

“Even as a friend,” Theo cuts me off. “He wouldn’t even introduce you as a friend. These excuses you’ve created for himdon’t hold up, and I know you’re aware of that, Lenore.”

“And!” Tessa adds. “Andwhy did he go with Rachel Chan to the winter gala then, huh? That sure looked like a date, and his parents definitely saw them there!”

I feel a flash of annoyance that she’s bringing this up because we’ve already talked it over to death, and she knows how I feel.

“That wasn’t a date,” I reiterate. My body feels pulled tight like a stretched canvas. “It was a friend thing.”

Tessa and Theo both raise their eyebrows, perfectly in sync. Sam looks away.

“It’s complicated. Just—like it’s easier with Rachel. His parents know her parents. They approve of her... as a friend, I mean.”

“And what’s not to approve of about you?” Tessa asks quietly. She grabs my hands and squeezes them. She knows the answer to this question, and I can see her expression harden.

Jay’s never come outright and said it, but I know the reason he hasn’t introduced me to his parents, even as a friend. I can see the real reason, the ugly reason, in the girls he does bring around his parents—Rachel Chan, Kayla Miller, Aesha Seth. I know they’ve been to his house for study sessions and even to hang out. I know they’ve been invited to stay for dinner.

And I know those girls aren’t Black like me.

But he can’t help his parents. And he doesn’t have what we have with those girls. They’re just friends. We’re something more. I know it.

“We’re keeping it casual until he’s out of the house,” Isay. It’s what I tell myself for comfort, when I see IG stories of him hanging out with other girls at his house, when I saw him walking with Rachel at the winter gala, his arm on the small of her back. “There’s no need for some big blowout when he’s so close to being on his own, you know? He’s not eighteen until the end of this month, and his parents are taking full advantage of grounding rights until then.”

“If he liked you, he would fight for you,” Tessa says, as if it’s that simple. As if things are that easy.

I pull my hands away from hers. “That’s not how real life works,” I say.

“Well, it should.”

“Can you justnotright now?” The words come out colder than I intend, but I can’t help it. She’s always acting like life has some predetermined story arc. Like we’re all going to go from once upon a time to happily ever after, and we justdon’t.

I drag a finger under my eye before anything embarrassing can slide out. But I guess I’m not being slick enough because Tessa jumps up and throws her arms around me, pulling me in so tight that my nose is filled with the scent of her rose leave-in conditioner.

“I’m sorry. I’ll shut up. I just... I love you.”

“I love you too,” I tell her, putting my head against hers.

“We should leave,” she says with conviction. “We should leave and drive-through In-N-Out and take it to the beach. I feel like we’ve gotten the full prom experience, don’t you?”

“After photos,” Lavon reminds us, and Theo beams.

“After photos,” Tessa agrees. “But then we should go. It’ll be fun. A last hurrah, all five of us.”

I know what she’s trying to do. Make me feel included by getting me out of this environment thatpainfullyhighlights how I’m the fifth wheel, the permanent sidekick. But then there’s the fact that I’m the only reason we need a last hurrah in the first place. They’re all staying local next year. Theo and Lavon will be at CalArts, Tessa is going to UCI, and Sam is going to some prestigious culinary institute in LA while he interns at Food Network. I’m the only one who won’t be around for late night Double-Doubles and secret menu Neapolitan shakes. I’m the one who’s going to be a million miles away at NYU.

I rub my fingers under my eyes again, harder this time. I need to get it together. I can’t be all in my feelings like this tonight or I’m going to ruin these last moments for everyone.

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