Page 34 of One True Loves

“I met Guru Doug when I needed him most,” Phoenix continues. “The Blockbuster I worked in had just shut down for good. My five roommates held a house vote and decided they no longer wished to live with me. I was lost. But then Guru Doug found me and guided me into a pigeon pose that changed the course of my life. As Guru Doug says, ‘Everything happens for a reason.’” I try so hard to hold in a laugh, but one escapes. I turn my head to the side and pretend that I’m coughing to hide it. Um, pretty sure Guru Doug isn’t the only one who says that, Phoenix.

“Anyway, that’s enough about me. I would love to hear about you, my students and fellow travelers, now. As Guru Doug says, ‘We’re all in this together.’” Is he serious? Yes, he’s serious. Must. Not. Laugh.

The lady in front of me waves her arm around. “I’ll start! I’m Roberta, and I’m celebrating my thirtieth wedding anniversary on this cruise.” There are a fewawwws and someone even claps. “I began practicing yoga when my youngest went off to college, and I am really most experienced with kundalini yoga—”

“A practitioner of kundalini yoga almost led me to an untimely death.” Phoenix’s voice is venom and eyes are narrowed at the woman as if she may be that very person in disguise. I can’t help it. I lose it. And Alex, next to me, laughs too,holding up a fist to his mouth as his body shakes. Apparently we’re the only ones who find this funny, though. All the ladies shoot us chastising looks and then turn, wide-eyed, to listen to Phoenix’s harrowing tale about being forced into a pose for too long while the blood rushed to his head. The white-haired lady peppers his tale with severalI’m so sorrys as if she was involved in this conspiracy to assassinate Phoenix with yoga.

“We will begin with some breathing exercises,” Phoenix says after he concludes his story, apparently no longer interested in learning about his students’ energy. He guides us through a few rounds of breathing in through our nose and then out through our mouths, which turns out is actually pretty good for my nausea. I close my eyes and focus on each breath and start to feel better. Maybe yoga is okay after all, even if it attracts some weirdos. But then apparently the breathing part is over, and Phoenix says it’s time for some sun salutations.

“Inhale as you raise your arms to greet the sun, lean your hips forward, and arch your back. And then exhale. With your knees slightly bent, your chest forward, you will fold in. It’s okay if you can’t yet reach your toes. Don’t force it. Wait for your body to tell you it’s ready. As Guru Doug says, ‘Good things come to those who wait.’”

As we all bend forward, I hear the unmistakablepffftttttttof someone letting out energy. Some fart energy. I turn my head to the side, searching for the culprit, and see that Alex is looking at me wide-eyed. “It wasn’t me,” I mouth.

“Make sure you’re breathing. Take a big inhale here andcome back up halfway, flat back.” I follow Phoenix’s instructions, and my head passes through the fart cloud. I can taste it. Fucking Roberta.

I hear a small laugh and know that Alex watched the whole thing.

“I would like to remind all of my students to remain in the present and refrain from any expressions that may take others away from their journey.” Is Phoenix calling out Roberta’s rank emissions? Roberta doesn’t need to be put on blast like that. But I sneak a look up and see that no—he’s giving the evil eye to me and Alex as he paces around the room between us.

“Now, we’re going to exhale and bring both feet back into plank. Shoulders over your wrists, backs straight. I know this pose can be difficult, but like Guru Doug says, ‘No pain, no gain.’” In front of me, there’s another telltalepffftttt. “We’ll hold this plank for ten, nine—feel your energy, focus on your breath—eight—make sure you’re not locking your arms—seven—this is all part of your journey, like Guru Doug says, ‘Life is about the journey, not the destination’—six.” My arms burn because he is definitely not counting in any normal way, and I bring my knees down. “Five—there’s no shame in going into a child’s pose if you need to, accept your limitations—four, three...”

I don’t know what child’s pose is, but I’m pretty sure Phoenix just yoga-dissed me.

Finally, he guides us into something called cobra that’s a little easier, and then into a dog that’s looking up or whatever,which seems to unleash something in Roberta, and a steady stream of stank floats my way. Next to me, Alex smirks and covertly waves his hand in front of his nose.

“Can you control yourself?” he whispers, raising his lip in mock disgust. Or maybe it’s real disgust because Roberta has definitely been gorging herself on kombucha or kale or something else that makes your toots rancid.

“Whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

“What are you, five?”

“Actually, I wonder if that’s some of Guru Doug’s wisdom.”

Roberta chooses that exact moment to let a loud one rip, and Alex’s face stretches into shock and then total joy as he lets out a loud laugh. I can’t help but join in, falling out of the dog pose that I’m pretty sure I wasn’t even doing right in the first place.

“It seems that some people are not yet ready to take this journey,” Phoenix says, glaring at us from the front of the room. His expression is grave. “I hate to throw out passengers before we have reached our final destination on the path to peace, but like Guru Doug says, ‘It is what it is.’ Please leave the wellness center immediately.”

He points to us and then the door, to make his point explicitly clear. Alex and I meekly gather our things and follow orders. As soon as the door shuts behind us, though, we explode with laughter. Alex falls forward, slapping his knee. My cheeks and sides ache. They can probably hear us inside, but I can’t control it.

“Fucking Roberta,” I choke out between giggles.

“Fucking Roberta!”

But as quickly as the laugh burst out of out, we’re suddenly silent. Self-conscious. Remembering yesterday and the day before, remembering how we still hate each other.

Because we do still hate each other. Right? We haven’t been healed by some weirdo animal poses and Roberta’s magical farts.

Except, when I’m looking at him now, it’s hard to feel the same way I did just an hour ago. All the fury and irritation and annoyance seem to have dissipated, like the top of the bottle that was holding it all in popped off.

I guess I was kind of a jerk to him for no reason. Yeah, what he did at that teen mixer was stupid, but after that... well, I can admit: I was trying to pick fights. Setting him up in this competition that I’m not even completely sure he knew was going on. Is it really so bad that he needed to be right about the seasickness? I mean, he’s smug. He’s a little too smart for his own good, too big for his britches, as Grandma Lenore would say. But maybe that’s not the end of the world. He still lost it over something silly like an old lady’s farts, same as me. Maybe that can be some common ground, if we’re stuck together until the end of this cruise. Itwouldbe nice to have a friend on this trip, since Wally is ignoring me and Etta is being Etta.

“Listen, I’m really sorry. About yesterday,” he says, taking me out of my thoughts. “I wasn’t trying to be an ass, but... I know it doesn’t matter what I wastryingto do.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I say, and his eyebrows rise in surprise. “You’re not... as bad as I’m making you out to be.”

He smiles. “Can we just start over? And agree to see the best in each other going forward? You know, assume good intent.”

“It’s not like I was actively trying to assume the worst,” I say, my lips curving into a sly smile too.

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