Page 10 of Monsters of Midlife

“Did you have an arranged marriage?” I asked.

“She died,” Magnus said quietly, his fingers wrapping around the saltshaker.

“Sorry,” I said, shuffling my feet slightly as I stood there awkward and on edge.

“It was a long time ago.”

Nodding, I scooped up my purse, dropped my hand which he had not bothered to take and moved away from the table.

First post-divorce date was a total bust. I cringed all the way home, as I undressed and even as I crawled into bed. I had no idea how I was ever really going to start dating again.

Shadows had infiltrated my dreams for so long it was almost a welcome place for me to go to as I fell into slumber. It was as if I laid back in a pillow with darkness and then slowly sank down into it, hands coming up to pull me into the dim shade where I could find rest. The dreams always changed depending on my mood. If I was anxious, so were the creatures who haunted me. I could feel them, tangible against my skin, even though I couldn’t see them. If I was happy, so were they. This darkness was a comfortable place that mirrored my emotions and helped me be centered in myself. Only lately the darkness had changed. As I slipped into slumber after my date with Magnus, I could feel something tugging at me, pulling my psyche toward the darkness quickly. It was how I had always felt around Ryder. Whether we had made love or not, falling to sleep with him was like sinking into obscurity with his arms around me, holding me, comforting me, helping me feel safe and secure.

Ryder was gone.

He had left. Now the darkness was just black and all-encompassing, a tomb where I lay at night waiting for the dawn. As I lay there now, something was wrong; something was off. I rolled over on my side, trying to get more comfortable and that’s when I saw it: a small light in the corner of the room. It wasn’t a bright promising “come here” light, the one I imagined death was like. This was a red glow in a black sheen. Chills slipped over my skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind it. I sat bolt upright. “Who’s there?” My voice squeaked as I asked the question, and I was terrified to know the answer.

Chapter 7

RYDER

There were a lot of skill sets monsters had that humans didn’t. We could cross the rift which allowed us access to our own home and others. We could shift in and out of monster form, taking on human form so we didn’t look so hideous or shocking to humans or Fae or whatever other creatures we come across. The gift that was really our number one asset was the fact we could see in the dark. Perhaps it was the one thing that allowed us to do all the other things. It allowed us to see in the rift to navigate it safely. It allowed us to sense our own bodies as we were shifting and make sure we reformed in the right shape. However, seeing in the dark helped me the most now as I stood silently in Caroline’s room waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to open her eyes and to see me.

It didn’t have to be like this. I didn’t have to let her know I was here, and I knew that’s what Ratchet would advise me to do if I would have let him. Still, the same yearning, driving desire to be with her, talk to her, engage with her, connect with her was pulling at me and driving me to show myself to her. As a monster I was able to live and breathe in the shadows. It was possible to never be seen. But with Caroline, I wanted her to see me. I wanted to show her all of me, even the dark, scary parts. Somehow, I felt like it would heal me and make me whole. Help me to understand myself better and feel more at place on earth.

Only, if she knew who and what I really was, she would be enveloped by a terror from which she could never escape. Monsters had that effect on humans.

Now, in the dim silence of the room, Caroline lay on the bed, drifting into sleep. Her brown curly hair splayed against the pillow. I’d been resting in the shadows under her bed for a while, waiting for her to come to her room. I could’ve waited in the living room, but I knew she wouldn’t spend time in there tonight; she would come straight to bed. She always wanted to go to bed early, around 8:30 or 9:00, so it was pretty much past her bedtime as it was.

I wanted to be in her room, watch her undress, and watch her sleep. Then, when she was the most vulnerable, I wanted to reveal myself to her. I swallowed, knowing my thoughts would have to live forever unfulfilled. I could never have her again. I wanted Caroline always There was something about being around her that made my cock hard and made me want to reveal my inner most self. She had always had that effect on me, from the first moment I’d seen her dancing on the floor at the festival. Some monsters had come through the rift and gone to Coachella. I’d taken in a task force with Ratchet, and we’d gone undercover to go and find where they were. They were easy to spot, they were the most debauched people at the event. Caroline was not one of them. She was enjoying the music and sipping water the whole time, ignoring the younger crowd full of depravity and danger. Still, she seemed quite in her element, comfortable grooving to the music; she just wasn’t partaking of any of the harder stuff. And I mean harder than water. The way the music had rippled over her body and the way she had swayed with the beat had caught my attention like no one ever had. She understood what the music was saying to her soul and there was something about the way she moved. It made one word rise up in me so strong and so forcefully I knew I would never be free from it.

Mine.

It was the word I thought every time I saw her. Every. Single. Time.

Mine.

Even now after years of not seeing her. Years of not even being close to her. Watching her lie there drifting into sleep There was only one truth.

She was mine.

I could feel the hackles rise on my neck.

Even though I couldn’t have her, she was mine and she would always be mine, regardless of what happened. It didn’t matter who she was with, there were something scorched in metal during the hot molten moments when we were together. Those moments bound us together and could never be unbound. I didn’t know if she could feel it or not; she wasn’t supernatural, but I could feel it. I knew I would never escape her, any more than she would ever escape me. It was probably something she didn’t realize, since as a human she kept trying to logic herself out of it.

It didn’t matter.

We couldn’t be together and at this point, it was better if she didn’t realize how much we were bound. I could never fulfill the needs she had as a human, to be here day and night, through thick and thin. I’d be there for her, but I had a calling to do my job to and that meant a lot of lonely nights for her.

I breathed in deeply, sucking in the air that was tinged with honey blossom and soap. It smelled of her. All I wanted to do was lie down next to her and bury my face in her hair and wrap my arms around her body.

She sat bolt upright; her fear pungent in the cool night air.

“Who’s there?”

Her words startled me, and I shut my inner light off, knowing even as I did, I had been teasing her and myself by letting it glow, hoping secretly she would sense me and reach out to me. It was a need I had; for her to see me. I needed her to reach out for me. I could not do it on my own. I could not reach out to her. It was not fair to her, but if she needed me, then I had to show up.

I knew my logic was a little bit twisted, but whatever. It worked for me at the moment and that’s all that mattered.

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