Page 78 of Second Shot

“What are you doing here, Ryan?” The fact that he uses my first name might’ve given me hope, if his tone weren’t so hostile.

“You were right before. We need to talk.”

He stares down his nose at me. “You didn’t seem that interested in clearing the air before. Why now?”

I wince at his angry tone, trying to think of what to say first. I definitely need to reassure him I’m not dating anyone else, but I feel like I need to build up to that. Right now, he doesn’t look like he’d give a shit if I was dating some otherguy. He looks like he hates me. “I heard about your press conference.”

“Okay.” His expression is still closed off.

I sigh. “Thank you for doing that. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you to begin with. I… I was angry and prideful. I had a lot of things mixed up in my head about you and me.”

“Yeah, and I tried to tell you that,” he says bitterly. “But you shut me down. You had no interest in listening to anything I had to say.”

“I know.” I let out a shaky breath. “Gabe, I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. Who to believe.”

“You think that makes me feel better? Hearing you didn’t trust me?”

I hang my head, feeling ashamed. “I should have trusted you, but I was scared and embarrassed. Trust doesn’t come easy for me, and it felt like the whole world was judging me. I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t just listen to you, Gabe. I swear, I truly regret that.”

His face twitches. “Well, thanks for admitting you were wrong. It’s better than nothing. Have a good night, Ryan.” He starts to close the door, but I stop him.

“Please, Gabe, let me in,” I plead.

He hesitates, his eyes dark with pain.

“There are things I need to say to you.” I glance around. “But I don’t want to do that out here on your porch.”

Being this close to him is killing me. He’s angry, but I can also see he’s hurt. I want to touch him, but I know he wouldn’t want that. I ache for his eyes to soften on me the way they used to. I long to hear his voice gentle with affection, to reassure me he still cares, even though I’ve been a stubborn fool.

“Please, can I come in?” I ask when he doesn’t move to let me in.

He wavers, but he still looks so bitter I think he’s going to turn me away. Then he steps aside. “Fine. You can come in for just a second to say what you need to say.”

I move past him, his citrusy cologne making me feel melancholy. I step into his living room and the familiarity of it depresses me. I spent so many happy hours here with Gabe. Being back inside his home breaks my heart. I can’t imagine him sending me away for good. I’m not sure I’d ever get over losing him.

He closes the door, but he stays near it, crossing his arms. His jaw is clenched and his eyes emotionless. I haven’t seen that cold look on his face in so long, it makes me realize just how much I’ve hurt him. How much damage I’ve done. His pain isn’t something he’s going to just let go of because I say I’m sorry. I failed him. Thefirst time we had a big challenge, I turned on him. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t listen to him. I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. Instead, I immediately distrusted him and rejected him.

“I should have trusted you,” I say hoarsely.

“Yeah, you should have.” His eyes are a frigid green.

I rub the back of my neck, grappling with how to get through to him. “Gabe, you know my background. You know what my childhood was like. I… I don’t really know how to trust.”

His face tenses. “So then what’s the point of this conversation? You’ve said you’re sorry and I believe you. I forgive you, okay? But, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t trust me. Why would I want that?”

My heart chills. “Because…”

“Because what?” he says harshly, but then his face changes and I see guilt. “Look, I… I know I fucked up by not telling you who I was. That was a terrible mistake. I’m not pretending that I’m blameless in what happened. I should have told you who I was the minute we started to be intimate. But I was scared and… and then when it all fell apart, you didn’t eventryto trust me.” His voice breaks and his eyes are shinier than they were a minute ago.

“I know,” I groan, my heart aching at the anguish in his eyes. “God, Gabe, I’d giveanything for a do-over. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I swear I’d trust you. I’d believe you. And screw what everyone else is saying.”

“It’s easy to say that now.”

I give a humorless laugh. “If you think any of this is easy for me, you’re wrong.”

He presses his lips tight and then whispers, “You were just so quick to assume the worst of me. How do you think that makes me feel, Ryan? You instantly thought I’d try and hurt you, even after all we’d shared.”

“Yeah,” I rasp. “But that’s not a reflection on you. That’s a reflection on me. After what I did to you as a kid, who could blame you for wanting payback?” I swallow hard. “It was only too easy to believe you wanted revenge because you had every fuckingrightto want that.”

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