Page 80 of Second Shot

His lips thin at that. “That’s not exactly true though, is it? You had me, but you didn’t want me.”

“I’ve never not wanted you.” I hold his gaze, determined not to let him shut me out. “Gabe, I know I fucked up. I wouldn’t be here asking you to forgive me if I didn’t know that. But I can’t turn back time.”

“No,” he says quietly. “We can’t turn back time. We can only move forward.” He clears his throat. “You should go, Ryan.”

My stomach drops. “Please, Gabe, don’t send me away.”

“I have to. I can’t trust you anymore than you trusted me now.” His voice is carefully controlled, but I can hear the hurt underneath.

I feel him slipping away. He’s cold and distant again, and I know I’m on the verge of losing him for good. That feeling of dread returns, and I move closer to him. I have to make him understand that he’s everything to me. I need him to know that, despite how I screwed up before, I’ll never do that again. I’ll trust him the way he deserves.

“Gabe,” I plead in a hushed voice. “I love you. Please, give me another chance.”

His eyes darken. “Now you suddenly love me?” He curls his lip. “Come on, Ryan. Don’t lie to me just to save your pride.”

“I’m not lying.” I move closer to him and his breathing picks up. He tries to press closer to the door behind him, but there’s not enough room. “I really love you, Gabe. I’ve never loved anyone like I do you. I was never as happy as I was with you.”

His face flushes and he looks almost panicked. “Stop it,” he hisses.

I shake my head, determined to show him how much he means to me. I slide my hand around the back of his neck, and he shudders at my touch. But it’s not a shudder of revulsion. I can see my touch is affecting him in a promising way. And even though he stiffens at my touch, need glitters in his eyes, giving me a little more courage.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I say quietly. “Please, I’m begging you, give me another shot. I’ll do so much better, Gabe. I can’t lose you just because I’m a mess of a person. I… I didn’t mean to shut down. It just happened because I’m broken. But I want to change. Help me change.”

“Ryan,” he says through gritted teeth. “Stop this.”

“Why? I know you still care about me too. You wouldn’t have done that press conference if you didn’t. We can fix this.” I lean closer to him, inhaling his familiar scent. His pupils are big and black, and his breathing uneven. I can’t take my eyes off his full lips that are so temptingly close. “I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

He doesn’t speak, he just makes a sound that’s a mix between a groan and a whine. He sounds like he’s in pain, and it breaks my heart because I did that to him. It’s no one’s fault but my own that he’s now terrified to trust me again.

“I was so happy,” I say softly. “With you. I was so damn happy, Gabe. Maybe that’s why Iwas so willing to believe the bad stuff. Because I don’t feel like I deserve you.”

He swallows. “I was happy too.”

“Then give me another chance. I’ll fight for you, Gabe. I won’t ever give up on us again.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do,” I rasp. “I can’t lose you. Please, Gabe. Let me make it up to you. I’ll do anything you want to prove how much I love you. What do you want, Gabe? Huh? Just tell me and I’ll do it.”

He flicks his gaze to mine. “What if I tell you what I want is for you to go?”

My chest tightens painfully. “No, please, Gabe.” I sound like a wounded animal. “Don’t do this.”

He doesn’t speak, he just watches me. He looks like he did the first day I arrived to meet the team. Distant. Wary.

“No one has ever loved me before,” I whisper, tightening my fingers on the back of his neck. The heat of his skin soothes me, even though his expression isn’t at all reassuring. “Not the way you did. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know how to keep it.”

His eyes flicker.

“My own parents don’t care about me, Gabe.” I’m embarrassed when my voice cracks, but I keep going. “Of course I believed you couldhate me. Turn on me. It made sense to my fucked up psyche that you too would hurt me. I guess I felt what we had was too good to be true.”

I know he’s still struggling to let me in, but he grabs hold of the front of my shirt as I finish speaking. There’s pain in his eyes, but he looks like his instinct is to comfort me. But he’s fighting himself. “I know you’re just playing with me,” he says.

“No. Not even a little. I love you so much, Gabe. I’ve never in my life begged for a man to want me, but I’m doing that with you.” The words fall out of my mouth with a desperation I’ve never felt before. But I can’t seem to stop talking. “I fucked up, and I understand that. But I can be a better person. I know I can. I’ve changed before and I can do it again. I… I want to change for you, Gabe.”

“You can’t do that for someone else. It has to be for you.”

“It is for me,” I say. “But it’s for you too. I love you. I need you.”

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