Page 111 of On Ice

He shivers. “God, I believe you, but that doesn’t make this any easier.”

I smile and touch his cheek. “You truly do care about me, don’t you?”

He doesn’t answer immediately, but then he says quietly, “Yeah. Does that make you uncomfortable?”

“No. Why would it?”

He shrugs. “This is just sex, remember?” His voice is too casual, which tells me what I need to know.

I hold his gaze. “I think we both know it’s more, don’t we?” I wait for his response, my nerves jangling. While I suspect he’s on the same page as me, I can’t be sure unless he tells me.

He doesn’t say anything, he simply sinks down and rests his head on my chest. He caresses his fingers down my pecs, turning his head to kiss my flesh. He inhales the scent of my skin, and then exhales a warm shaky breath.

“You can tell me how you feel,” I coax, praying he doesn’t clam up now. I’m not sure I’ll have the courage later to press the issue.

“I’m afraid to admit to how I feel,” he says gruffly.

“Why?”

“Then it makes it real.”

I know exactly what he means, but it’s gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore my feelings for him. I no longer want this thing we have to be temporary. I don’t want him here because I’ve threatened him. I want him to be here because he can’t bear the thought of being away from me. Perhaps I want too many things from him that I can never have.

I clear my throat, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. “Would it be so bad if it was… real?”

“God, how would this work, Luca?” He sounds like he’s in pain. “We’re so different. Our worlds are so different.”

I know I have to tread carefully here. I wish my head wasn’t pounding like a bongo drum because it makes it difficult to think straight. I need the perfect words to make him stay with me. But I can’t think what those words might be. Poetic expression escapes me at the moment. I’ve never before wanted a lover to stay in my life permanently. This whole thing is new to me. I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up before it really even has a chance to start.

“Do you want to be with me, Evan?” My voice wobbles and I’m embarrassed by how insecure I sound. “Because, if you do, then that’s all that matters.”

“You really believe that?” He sits up on his elbow, his jaw clenched. “I doubt it’s that easy.”

I study him, pushing down the desire to force him to bend to my will. I’m a man who’s used to getting what he wants by whatever means necessary. I’ve threatened him and harassed him into being in my life up to this point. But I’m done with that. I need Evan to choose me because that’s whathewants.

I feel tense as I say, “If you want to go, you can go. If you want to leave me, you can leave me. I won’t stop you, and I won’t hurt you if you run.”

His eyes flicker. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously.” My throat is so tight, I can barely force the words out.

I can see he’s confused. “Is that what you want?”

My pride screams at me to say yes. I hold his gaze, struggling with what I want and what my ego thinks I should do. But as I stare into his green eyes, the thought that it could be the last time makes it hard to breathe. My final thought before I blacked out in the car crash was Evan, and my first thought when I woke up was Evan.

“No,” I admit hoarsely, fighting through my pride. “That’s the last thing I want.”

He slumps ever-so-slightly, showing me how much my response meant to him. Then he lays down again and rests his head on my chest like before. He has one hand placed lightly over my heart. I’m sure he can feel how quickly it’s beating.

“Do you really think it could work between us?” he asks.

I slip my arm around his waist, pulling him closer. “Of course. I want it to work, so it’ll work.”

He gives a soft laugh. “That’s a very Luca like answer.”

I’m happy he sounds less serious now. I kiss his hair, and say quietly, “There was one second today, during the attack, where I was afraid I’d never see you again. I didn’t like that idea. Not one bit.”

He shivers. “God. I don’t even want to think about that.”

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