Page 212 of Doubts & Fears

The four of us watched as they went through the semantics, feeling numb. The instructor declared she was now his property, totally owned. He showed her the collar and acted like it was the best thing in the world. He placed it on her throat and locked it. Her body jerked as the metal clicked and the lock engaged.

Chapter 68

Kinsley

Picking Flowers

Iawoke with a start, grabbing my throat and clutching it. The tail end of my memory evolved into the Mask putting a collar on me. I rushed into the bathroom, and since I hadn’t eaten, I leaned over the toilet, dry heaving until all the muscles in my stomach ached.

The rest of that day with X tried to push to the forefront of my mind; I shoved back equally hard, shutting those memories off. I couldn’t deal with those as well, not now. Tears streamed down my face.

I contemplated calling Marcel, but I sat there frozen on the bathroom floor. After several minutes, I got up and washed my face, then brushed my teeth. Then I trudged down the hall to Ivan’s room. I wanted to get one of his shirts, something that smelled like him.

I didn’t think he’d be in there. But when I opened the door, there he was, lying on the bed with his eyes closed. I slipped into the closet, pulled out one of his T-shirts, and changed.

As I approached the bed, my heart ached. Why did I force him to hurt me? I felt such incredible shame and disgust with myself. His eyes popped open, startling me. I flinched, and he shifted his gaze to the ceiling.

“Get out.” His voice was devoid of any emotion. All the air left my lungs.

“Ivan,” I whispered. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

“Don’t make me ask you again. Teper!” he screamed in Russian, scaring me.Now.I jumped and ran out of his room, running straight into Alek.

“Kitten?”

I buried my face in his chest and cried hard.

He picked me up and took me into the drawing room. He held me, rubbing my back. I fell asleep once more. When I woke up, I was lying on the couch in the drawing room, covered by a blanket.

I got up, feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. My head throbbed. I went to my room, found some Tylenol, and took it, then made my way to the dining room. It was dinnertime already. But Ivan wasn’t there.

“Want to tell us what happened today?” Alek asked, watching me down the glass of wine that usually accompanied my dinner.

“I don’t know where to start. It was all my fault.” I put the empty glass down.

“Why don’t you start with Marcel, and we can work our way up to why Ivan was screaming at you,” Alek said shrewdly.

“Marcel wanted answers to questions I don’t have. I can’t talk to him. Even if I wanted to, especially now. He can never know. He’d probably tell me he told me so.”

“What can he never know?” Nik asked.

“That I’m a piece of shit. Somehow, I think he already knows that. It’s probably the reason he didn’t want me to fuck any of you.”

“Language,” Alek said.

“Yes, Sir. I just meant that I’m not a good person.”

“And Ivan?” Alek asked.

“Ivan…” As his name left my lips, I sobbed once more, then said, “I pushed my beloved away today. It was all me.” I stood up, tears coursing down my cheeks. “Tell that to Marcel when you speak to him next. He needs to know that. Promise me you’ll tell him it was all me.” I took a deep breath, wiping away my tears.

“Are you okay?” Alek asked, nervous energy emanating from him.

“I’d like to go for a walk in the garden if that’s okay. To clear my head,” I asked, waiting for one of them to speak, to say something.

“Yes, of course. What is the rule I have for you when you walk outside that door?” Alek asked.

“Stay off the wall.”

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