Page 173 of Doubts & Fears

“We aren’t going to do that, Ms. Taylor. You’re not about to place blame on me. Now answer my question.”

“What was it again?” I said, though I was fully aware of what he wanted to know.

I hated he was right. Aside from edging me, spankings, the use of honorifics, and basic dynamic protocols, we hadn’t even begun. The kink lifestyle was uniquely nuanced and vast. And while dynamics had things in common, no two were identical.

“Ms. Taylor, your lack of response given our agreed—”

“Nothing, okay. Are you happy? They’ve been Boy Scouts. A spanking here and there when I misbehave, dress protocols, things like that,” I mumbled.

“Thank you. I want a straightforward answer for this next question, understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Have you been given or gone over a checklist? Asked to disclose your hard and soft limits?”

“No, Sir,” I said, feeling defeated.

“And that’s not on me. Despite what you think, Alek, Nik, and Ivan are free to take their relationship status with you to the next level. They’re grown-ass men who don’t need my approval. They trust me to give them my professional opinion, but at the end of the day, if they wanted—”

“I get it, Dr. Marcel,” I shouted. I didn’t want to hear him say if they wanted me, they would have taken me already.

“Young lady, I’m going to ask you to lower your voice. I’m not your enemy. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t speak to me as if I was. I honestly care about you and don’t want to see you hurt. I’ve grown quite fond of you, truth be told.”

I could hear the sincerity in his words and felt childish once more. “Can we talk about something else?”

“That depends, if it’s more about how much you love dancing and Pasha, no. If it’s going to further your journey, absolutely. I suggest you pick something from the latter.”

Now was as good a time as ever. I took a deep breath.

“You once asked if I’d ever dealt with my parents’ death, and I was honest with you about that. But shortly after Owen died, I attended some bereavement groups, hoping it may help. I could only do a few because it was too hard.” I took a deep breath.

“Take your time,” he coached.

“I didn’t belong. It’s foolish, I know. Obviously, I belonged, but since I’d never dealt with my parents’ death…”

“You felt you were dishonoring them by trying to deal with Owen’s.”

I nodded, unable to speak for several minutes. Having brought up the topic of checklists, I briefly made a list of my issues in my head. Articulating it was not coming out the way I wanted it to. Everything felt jumbled, but he was waiting for me to speak.

“I quickly realized that I had deeper issues to deal with. One of those was my parents and what they practiced. I originally told you it was because my curiosity was piqued.”

“Go on,” he said, leaning back.

“It wasn’t only that, a genuine curiosity. It was more of trying to get a deeper understanding of it. The pull, the why. I felt like if I could find out what that was, I’d know them better. I know now that I substituted dealing with my grief with the research,” I said.

“Avoidance techniques aren’t always bad. It’s when they cause harm that you need to be careful. I wouldn’t say you substituted, you pivoted and decided todeal with something else. You should feel proud of that. I dare say it’s probably what helped you get this far.”

I nodded, wanting to believe him, needing to assuage my guilt. “There’s a deeper reason I went exploring, I mean. I’d like to ask your permission to discuss it next session, though.”

“Very well, but I’m going to insist that you give me your word. You will discuss it. The longer you run, the farther you’ll get from your end goal.”

“Yes, Sir, I promise. Can I tell you something else?”

“You know you can,” he said with that calming smile that made me wish we were in the same room.

“I spent years educating myself on sexual abuse, read and listened to countless hours of survivor stories. I joined several groups. There were some I could partially relate to, but I wasn’t ever able to engage or share my story. I wasn’t in the right place, not really.”

It was true; I had been part of these types of groups, and I didn’t fit in. My innermost secret desire was that in these groups, one of my season sisters would be found. It hadn’t ever happened, but I’d hoped for so long.

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