Page 85 of Doubts & Fears

“Well, I’ll let you in on something else. It’s a first for them as well.”

“But Alek and Nik, they share, right?”

“Yes and no. Do you understand the term Play Partner within the context of the kink community? I’m assuming this is what you’re referring to when saying they share.”

“Yes, that’s what I mean. And I know a little bit.”

“Can you tell me what you know?”

“Play partners can have double meanings. If you engage in a scene or session with someone and it’s a one-time thing, they’re considered your play partner for the night. But you can have play partners you regularly scene with too. You might gravitate to them, since you’re familiar with their likes and dislikes. It can make things easier.”

“Very good. I’m encouraged that you seem knowledgeable. And you realize that playing doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. Do you understand that as well?”

“What? That some scenes aren’t sexual? Yes, I think I understand that quite thoroughly, Dr. Marcel.”

I didn’t like the way she said that. Her tone wasn’t one of offense, but I struggled to put my finger on what it was. Now I wished I’d insisted on a video call.

“Well, all that to say, sometimes Alek or Nik aren’t interested in a sexual scene, and the same goes for their play partners. It works both ways.”

“I don’t want to be their play partner. I don’t know what I want, if I’m honest with you.”

“Then I think with your statement, we can both agree that you’re in the right place. It’s better to clarify what you do want before you jump headlong into something. The last thing you want is to be disappointed. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes. I guess I’m afraid if I say the wrong thing, you’ll tell the guys to leave me alone. I may not know a 100 percent what I want, but I know I don’t want that.”

“Understood. How about we make a pact, you and I?”

“Like the one you have with the guys?”

“Similar, yes. In this space with me, you’re free to share and say anything without the fear of me tattling on you. The only thing I require is your honesty and commitment to not quit if it gets tough. Think you can do that?”

“Yes, but what if what I say makes you worried?”

“That’s where it gets tricky. I can’t knowingly let you put yourself at risk, Ms. Taylor. Because by doing so, not only would you potentially be traumatized, but so could Alek, Nik, and Ivan.”

“Oh.” So much disappointment dripped from that single word.

“I can promise you this. If I think you need to slow things down, I’ll tell you upfront. I’ll do it as honestly as I can, with reasons why. I would, in turn, issue a blanket warning to the guys to slow down, but nothing more.”

“So you won’t tell them exactly what I say?”

“No. I’ll tell you I’ve already cautioned the guys to take things slow with you.”

“But the more open I am, the further I may get with them?”

I smiled. Shewasquite intuitive. “Yes, as long as you are dealing with whatever comes up in our sessions. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, how about we get back to your questionnaire?”

“Okay, that works.”

“I’m going to be sensitive here, but I’m going to need to ask you some questions about your upbringing. The time before you were with Owen and then after. Every living person consists of biological traits that are genetic and environmental. It heavily influences who we become. Can you tell me how old you were when Owen died?”

“Nineteen.”

“That’s awfully young to be alone. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you.”

“Age is nothing but a number. I’m very well acquainted with death and being alone.”

“Umm, yes. Your parents also died when you were young. Owen took you in shortly after. Knowing what I know, that would have been around 2012. You would have been eight years old?”

---