Page 14 of Doubts & Fears

Damn, I wanted to punch him. Heat spread through my cheeks once more as his words became clear, and then all three of them laughed. I just needed to keep it cool, but he kept saying her name. It was breaking my resolve. My hands shook. I pulled his T-shirt over my knees and hugged them to anchor myself.

“Well, seeing as I’m not in the mood to be choked right now since my throat is still a little sore from the fire—” I answered, stopping when Alek spat his drink out.

He had to turn around to get control of his laughter. He would think that was funny. Asshole. Taking a deep breath, I looked away. I was teetering on the brink of another breakdown. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle.

“Mis—”

“Fine, Nik, you win. Okay? I wasn’t born in a Florida hospital, but I lived there. In Florida, I mean.” That wasn’t a lie. Owen and I lived in St. Petersburg, Florida for six months.

“I didn’t ask you if you lived in Florida. I asked you where you were born.”

In perfect Mandarin, I proudly stated, “Wo chusheng zài zhèjiang.”I was born in Zhejiang.“It’s a province of China, in case you were wondering what I said.” I laid my head down on my knee.

“Kinsley,” Alek warned.

My gut churned as I continued to speak. “Je suis né à Marseille,” I muttered in French.I was born in Marseille. “You know where that is, I assume?”

“Young lady, that’s enough. Answer the question,” Ivan growled.

“Fine,” I bellowed. “I was born in London, hence the British accent,” I said, switching from my American one. “Oh, and one last one, for good measure,” I added in Russian. “Ya rodilas’ v Myshkin.”I was born in Myshkin.

“You little shit. Which is it?” Aleksandr bellowed, raking his hand through his hair.

“Pick whichever one you want, for all I care. Ask your next question.”

“You speak Mandarin, French, and Russian, that’s fascinating. Okay, so here’s my next question. Where are your parents?” Nik asked.

My resolve broke as my skin crawled, and I prayed he wouldn’t say her name again. I sighed, feeling exhausted. He wasn’t going to stop asking.

Dig deep.

“My mother, I’d guess, is six feet under, seeing as she died when I was five. My father died before I was born, so not entirely too sure about him. It was a touchy subject with my grandfather. I guess I should add that since he was practically my parent, my grandfather is six feet under too.” The lie almost felt like the truth. If I focused on the last statement, it felt more real, like it could have happened that way.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Ivan whispered. I appreciated the authenticitycoming from him.

“Everyone is sorry to hear it. That’s why I don’t like to talk about it. Can we stop now?” My heart was heavy, and it squeezed inside my chest. Thinking about Owen and my parents made me ache.

“Almost, malyshka. I’ll ask again, and I’d like a yes or no, please. Are you Mis—”

“No, I’m not. But let me ask you an honest question. What would I gain by lying about this? Who is she, anyway? Does she have parents who aren’t dead? Does she have a loving gran who wants to bake cookies with her? A grandfather to go hiking with? Does she have a sister missing her?”

I was trying to deflect, but the heart of my questions remained. What did it matter now, anyway? There was no one longing for me somewhere. Nik’s eyes met mine, and a softness reflected back.

He slid two pictures over, and I gingerly picked them up. One was of an older man; he looked like an older version of my father. The younger man looked strikingly like my actual father. A deep sense of loss burned in my gut.

Keep it together. Don’t let them see.

I dug deeper than I had in a long time and steeled every one of my emotions. After studying them closely, I handed them back.

“Do you know who those men are?” Nikolai asked.

Breathing evenly, feeling proud of myself, I answered, “No, but I’m guessing you do.”

“Yes, we do,” Nik said.

“Do you think one of them left the package for me? Do you think they were the ones casing me? Yeah, we should probably talk about that.” The photos gave me the perfect opportunity to switch things around on them. “How could you keep something like that from me?”

“It’s all still under investigation, that’s why. We aren’t positive you were being cased,” Nik offered.

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