Page 124 of Doubts & Fears

“Nik mentioned two words close together. Hearing them triggered a memory. Not a good one. It’s complicated, but there was a period of time in my life when I hated myself.”

“Okay. Can you tell me why, though, you couldn’t seem to stop saying it? I think that has me the most concerned.”

“I need more time, Sir.” Her eyes filled with panic. This was the first time she had made this request. I had no choice but to honor it.

“Good girl. I appreciate you asking. We can talk about it at the next session. I can’t promise that these next questions are going to be any easier, but I hope that you’ll be able to answer some of them.”

“I’ll try. I promise not to abuse your rules, Sir.”

I smiled; she was so conscientious. I admired that about her. “Thank you. Can you tell me what happened between the night your parents died and that November when Owen took you to New Haven? There are two years missing?”

She was quiet, and when she turned her gaze to me, I sucked in my breath. It was there. Her trauma stemmed from those two years. It was startling the clarity with which her pain screamed through the screen.

“Sir, it would be easier if you asked more specific questions. I mean, answering them will be easier, anyway. I don’t know where to start.”

“Very well, we’ll start easy. Did something happen to you during that time frame? You can simply say yes or no today.”

“Yes,” she breathed.

“You are doing so well,” I encouraged her, knowing she responded equally well to praise as she did a dominant tone. “I’m going to start at the beginning, and this may be really hard for you to hear. I’m told you and the Kings have a safeword established.”

“Yes, Sir, we do.”

“Good, you and I are going to use it here as well.”

“It’s krasnyy. That means red in Russian.”

“Perfect. If you need me to stop talking, you shout it out, like you do with the Kings.”

“I don’t use it. I mean, I haven’t had to. If I didn’t know any better, I might argue that they are very vanilla.”

“That makes my heart happy to know you haven’t felt like you needed it. It also tells me the guys are behaving.”

“I wish they wouldn’t behave so well.”

“I’m sure you do, Ms. Taylor. If we can unpack some of the things that are haunting you, I have no doubt you’ll get the end goal I know youallwant.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do.” I grinned at the hopeful look on her face. “But I want to point out something important in regard to your relationship with the Kings. It’s imperative that you make decisions that are your own. The King brothers have big personalities. They can be intimidating at time, but in this dynamic, you ultimately hold the power or control, if you will. Do you understand that aspect, and I’m talking beyond surface-level knowledge?”

“Yes, Sir. I think I do. Like with the spanking, and even a few days ago, I could have used my safeword and they would have stopped.”

“That’s only one aspect, but yes, if you had used it either time, I’m confident they would have complied. My biggest concern is you acting in fear and making decisions based on the response youthinkthe guys will have. If you’re afraid to use your safeword for fear they won’t want you anymore, then you’ve lost your control. I can tell you now that isn’t something the guys want. People get hurt that way.”

Her head snapped up.

“They may ask for your strict obedience in regard to your hair, clothing, and eating habits. Mainly as personal preferences, but others are for your well-being.Even within those things, you have a measure of control. But when it comes to anything sexual,yourvoice has to be heard. Your choices are absolutely crucial.” I paused for a second to let my words sink in.

“I think I understand what you’re getting at.”

“Good, because as you must learn to trust them, they must also trust that you’re acting of your own free will. You call the shots—with them, with me here in our session. You and you alone. Now, before we move on, I want you to promise that you’ll try to exercise your control in some small way over the next few days. We can talk about it at our next session. It doesn’t need to be big, just you using your voice. Think you can do that?”

“I can try, but if it has to be a sexual thing, fat chance. They treat me with kid gloves unless I anger them, and I’ve done enough of that for a while.”

“I’m confident you’ll find the right situation. Now, are you ready?”

Her demeanor changed and her breathing heaved. She gave me a small nod, and it broke me. I could sense that she would give anything to continue talking about the Kings.

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