Page 107 of Secrets & Lies

Crying, I ripped my clothes off. I needed a shower. The intense need to feel clean, even though that was impossible, was all I could think about. I wanted to scrub Alek’s mark from me, and I squeezed my eyes shut so I didn’t have to look at it.

I wasn’t allowed loofahs; not after the time Doc caught me scrubbing myself raw in a desperate attempt to clean myself. I was still haunted by the look in her eyes—a mix of horror and pity as the frantic scrubbing had torn through the top layer of my skin, leaving raw, bleeding patches behind.

The pain, both physically and emotionally, had been etched into my being as I had to recount to Owen later what I’d done. Healing hadn’t come easily. Not in the emotional sense, anyway. Owen said it was okay because wounds of the body and soul took time to mend, and some areas took to healing faster.

That day, as Owen looked over the ravaged state of my skin, he implored me to never do something like that again as tears streamed down his face. The only other man I’d ever seen cry was my papa, so it had sent a dagger straight through my heart.

I vowed to him that day that I wouldn’t do it again, and it was only the first of many promises he and I would share over the years. We’d both made our fair share of them. From the silliest to the most serious, they rattled around in my head. My heart broke open, the loneliness barreling in like a hurricane.

The bathroom fell silent as I shut the water off and got out, proud that I didn’t hurt myself. I tugged my pajamas on, then walked over to the safe and grabbed the envelope from Owen and went to retrieve the bottle of sleeping pills. Taking two of them, I didn’t care that it was only four in the afternoon.

I absolutely needed to sleep, to forget everything that happened. There was no way my brain was going to be able to process the dreams waiting to consume me. It was bad enough that my conscious mind was in overdrive. After calling into work and scheduling some time off from both places, I closed the safe and walked to my room.

Climbing into my bed, I hugged the envelope to my body, fighting the mixture of emotions churning inside me. Its presence was both a solace and terrifying. The edges pressed against my skin, and I remembered Owen’s words.

“Jellybean, the contents of this letter will provide you with answers, launch a hundred questions, and will make you see the world differently. When you’re ready to read it in its entirety, you’ll know.”

As my gaze wandered across the room, my eyes fell on the smiling bears happily perched on the dresser. A surge of determination had me jumping out of bed. My feet landed soundlessly on the carpet, and with deliberate care, I scooped up the bears, cradling them in my arms.

If I was going to read the letter, they deserved to know the contents as well. After all, we were sisters, and he’d rescued them too. Their soft fur brushed against my skin as I held them close, relishing the undeniable connection—that bond formed through our shared experiences.

Together, we retreated back to bed. I carefully placed them in front of me, putting them in season order. I didn’t have the strength to imagine what they’d say about everything that had transpired between Alek and me.

I angrily brushed tears away, closed my eyes, and brought back one of my favorite memories of all time—the four of us riding the strange carousel on our playground.

X had led each of us over and had us climb up on the animals that represented each of us. A swan for me, a red fox for Winter, a seahorse for Summer, and a bunny for Autumn. X had a goofy smile on her face—one of the few times we’d seen her smile.

I wondered if the Collector and the Mask were not home that day. It was the only thing I could conclude. She started the machine and laughed freely.

Winter leaned back, and her beautiful red hair fanned out behind her, and soon, all three of us were following suit. X clapped and danced happily around us.

The sound of laughter faded from my ears as I opened my eyes to my current reality.Oh, what I wouldn’t give for an Owen hug right now. Cradling the envelope in my trembling hands, I brought it close to my chest again, wishing with everything that he was here with me instead. I set the envelope down and grabbed a tissue to blow my nose.

In the seconds it took, my eyes dropped to Winter bear. Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe it was my own inner turmoil, but I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance coming from it, and a childlike voice seemingly whispered, “It’s okay. Whatever you choose is okay.”

With my own voice hushed and quivering, I whispered my unspoken fears into the stillness of the room, to the bears in front of me.

“I’m not ready.” The words slipped from my lips, heavy with remorse.

It was an apology whispered to the letter itself, an acknowledgment of my own vulnerability, and with them surrounding me, that was okay. I whispered the words I needed to hear from Winter aloud. “It’s okay. Whatever you choose is okay.”

My chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh before I carefully placed the envelope into my side dresser drawer. Maybe having it closer would make the journey to reading it easier.

For tonight, I looked at it as an act of self-compassion. The entire purpose behind the letter was because Owen understood, above all others, that readiness could not be rushed—that healing took its own time and looked different for everyone.

ALEKSANDR

Several Hours Later

I was going fucking crazy; she had turned her phone off. It went straight to voicemail, and I realized my behavior was straight-up stalkerish. I’d sent five messages, damn near begging her to at least text me and let me know she was okay. She hadn’t even read them.

This was my fault; I knew I pushed her. I had no idea what I said that triggered her, but her emotional declaration was enough of a warning that I’d crossed a line. I could tell Nik, but not Ivan.

Those emotional wounds, even after all these years, were nowhere near healed. I doubted they would ever be. Her words played over and over in my head, and the fear only increased the longer she ignored my messages.

That was how I found myself sitting back outside her house. The lights were off, and it was quiet. If she was inside asleep, I could check on her, then go home. But I had to know she was okay. Opening the car door and stepping out into the cool night air, I strode toward the door before I could change my mind.

I stepped up and picked the lock, letting myself in. I’d send Nik’s security team over tomorrow and set up an alarm system. She would allow us to install it, come hell or high water.

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