Page 27 of Star-crossed Betas
Ten
March 2022 - Present Day
Connor Kelly
Itake a deep breath, and I’m overwhelmed by his painfully familiar scent—lavender and damp earth. Fee’s breathing is slow and steady, so I’m pretty sure he’s still asleep. I try to keep my own breathing even so I don’t wake him up and cut this moment short. My subconscious seeks him out when we’re sleeping, and I always wake up curled up into his side, his arm wrapped around me, keeping me as close as possible.
It makes me ache.
Falling for Fee was probably the easiest thing I ever did; I don’t even remember the day it happened, but suddenly, he was buried deep under my skin.
Fee said he needed some space after yesterday’s heavy chat about Will and me, so he went to bed early. Ergo, I spent the rest of the evening ruminating obsessively over whether I did theright thing in telling him. I told myself I was honest with him because I don’t like keeping secrets, but a part of me wonders if I told him because I wanted him to hurt a little bit, too.
Truthfully, I do regret sleeping with Will, not because of Fee, but because I hurt my friend. Will still had feelings for me, and I knew that. He was the last person I had any business rebounding with.
I had no idea heartbreak could hurt that much. Those first few weeks after we broke up, I couldn’t even sleep alone. Niamh stayed with me every night and held me while I cried myself to sleep. It’s a bit humiliating to recall if I’m honest. After a few months, when the ache of it all hadn’t really subsided, I realised it was probably a pain I needed to learn to live with.
So, I went through the motions.
I got up out of bed every day, ate three meals, went to work while avoiding talking to my cousin, Mikey, all day. And I plastered a smile onto my face when I caught anyone looking my way for too long.
It’s been over a year since I told Fee I hated him. I wish I did hate him; this might hurt less if it were true. This marriage is splitting me in half.
I still love him.
I’m not so delusional that I can’t admit that to myself, even if I refuse to say it out loud. But I can’t trust him; I’ve never been good at trusting people, but I trusted Fee with every fibre of my being, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him for betraying me.
How do we build a pack on these lands when I’m always looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to pick the Campbell pack over this one, over me? I guess that’s the crux of it; when he was backed into a corner and had to choose between me and his pack, he chose them.
I suspect Fee views this marriage as a second chance for us, but I resent it.
It took almost the entire time we were apart for me to barely begin learning how to live a full life with part of my heart missing. To learn to live, not just survive, with my soul always yearning and pining for my mate who was only a hundred miles away.
I went on a few dates, nobody blew me away. I didn’t even sleep with any of them, but I was making small steps to moving on. I could see there was light at the end of the tunnel, even if it felt a long way off still. To be thrown into a marriage, forced to spend every day with the person I’ve spent countless hours trying to get over, feels cruel.
Fee starts to stir, so I begin to untangle myself before those big brown eyes of his start knocking down any more of my defences.
I head to the bathroom and take a piss and a shower. As I stand under the spray of water, it takes me back to all those times under the waterfall with Fee. Fuck, I’m way too sentimental today. Shaking my head, I try to clear my mind of past memories and turn off the water. I must have been taking my time in here because there’s a soft knock on the bathroom door.
“You almost done? I’m going to piss myself in about thirty seconds,” he says through the door.
“One sec,” I call back. I grab my towel and wrap it around my waist before opening the door. “All yours.”
“Thanks,” he mumbles, rushing into the bathroom behind me.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Niamh is sitting at the small round dining table in the corner with her laptop open and a ring binder.
“Mornin’, sunshine, sleep okay?” she asks, sounding far too upbeat for this early in the day.
“Uhuh,” I grunt.
“Coffee is fresh,” she says, pointing to the side in the kitchen. I fill two mugs and pass one to Phoenix when he appears in the doorway.
“Oh, thank you,” he says, giving me a timid smile. Thankfully, Will isn’t back from his night shift. They’ve yet to cross paths, but I suspect when it happens, it will be awkward as fuck.
“No problem.”
“Look how cute and domestic you two are,” Niamh says, looking gleeful.
