Page 55 of Total Shutdown

Ezra rarely comes to the arena anymore, although he does like going to the Scorpions games since they’re our rivals and fights usually break out on the ice—the perfect opportunity for him to wave his foam finger around. Because Dom’s a sucker for a rivalry, he and Alyssa will no doubt come along and Ezra stays with them on game nights anyway. Last-minute tickets to the family box are easy to secure when you’re the captain.

A part of me feels uneasy about him seeing Collins, but he also thinks we’re friends—at least I hope we’re that right now. If she vanished from his life completely, he’d ask questions and likely be hurt. Plus, I know she’d miss him too. And those thoughts drive me forward.

“Okay, great,” I reply. “The plan is to clinch theWon the ice and head to Lloyd’s straight after.”

CHAPTERTWENTY

COLLINS

Since the Botanic Garden, nothing has felt the same.

The more times I replay the conversation between us, the harder it is to convince myself that the way things ended that night was right.

Walking away from a guy shouldn’t be this difficult, especially when we were nothing in the first place. We’re just friends.

Keep telling yourself that, Collins.Friends don’t kiss on benches by the lake, and a frienddefinitelyshouldn’t make you feel the way Sawyer did with a single stroke of his tongue.

He wants more, just like I knew he would. He wants commitment and long evenings of cuddling in front of a movie. He wants cocoa on cold days and snowmen built in the backyard on wintery mornings.

He wants a woman—not to replace Sophie, but to play a motherly role in Ezra’s life.

Each time I’m in his presence, I can’t help but feel like a life like that might be something I want, too, especially if it was with someone like Sawyer. But the pressure to offer him that kind of stability—a permanence I’ve spent my adult life resisting because, inherently, that just isn’t me—causes me to pull back every time we get close.

Maybe it’s right person, wrong circumstance. I don’t know. I’ve considered the possibility that, one day, I’ll look back on my life, alone and old, and regret the decisions I made when I was younger.

But if I get involved with Sawyer and Ezra and ultimately get cold feet, I know I’ll regret hurting them more.

So, why is this fucking difficult? I’m a lone wolf; it’s what I’m used to. And why does the thought of Sawyer eventually meeting a woman who gives him everything I know he wants hurt in a way I never expected it to?

Because he isn’t the only one who’s caught feelings.

When he pulled up outside of my place to drop me home on Tuesday, I hesitated in the silence before I reached for the door of his truck.

Right there, on the tip of my tongue, were the words I so badly wanted to say.You want to come upstairs?

They were the hardest words to swallow down. Five words that gutted me when they reached the pit of my stomach. I knew if I asked him, he’d say yes, but only under the condition that we gave us a go officially.

When I turned to leave, he grabbed my left arm, swiveling me back around to face him. Of course, we’d see each other again, but never in the same way. This chapter between us was finished before it got started.

And that was all because of me, and the way it hurt was only made more painful by the kiss I’d promised we’d never share, but I went ahead and let him anyway, even after he admitted his feelings.

He wanted to know what I liked in bed; he wanted to see that part of me, the part I was convinced he’d hate. Though now, all I can think about is the way I’d take us both to the brink of ecstasy and how amazing it could be, if that kiss was anything to go by.

The absolute best thing to do would be to stay away, to see Kendra, Jenna, and Darcy away from the rest of the friend group. To do what I do best and drive distance between myself and my feelings. I can even quit the job I know I’ll likely lose anyway and move to New Jersey—a place I’ve yet to visit. Hell, I can even head to Europe, or go back to Japan, or maybe even give Australia a try.

I could be in so many different places right now; still, I’m not. Because sitting in this family box, next to a twelve-year-old boy who is fast turning into my best friend, and watching the Blades host the Scorpions is exactly where I want to be.

Last night, while I was curled up on my couch, watchingStranger Thingsand eating my body weight in comfort snacks, Kendra called, demanding I got to the next game so she could see me.

This girl has a habit of dragging my ass out to places.

She was likely expecting an excuse. Instead, she got a Collins she never knew existed. The dam walls broke, and I sobbed into my corn chips and dip. I told her everything—from the kiss to what I’d said when he asked me to give us a shot.

I don’t know if Sawyer knows I’m here, sitting next to his son and former in-laws, and I don’t know how he’d feel about it either.

He’d probably be pissed at me for spending more time with Ezra and meeting his family when I told him I couldn’t have a relationship with him.

The game is one to one and deep into the first period when Ezra taps me on the shoulder, a foam finger on his other hand. “If you could only pick one, would you want my dad to lift the Stanley Cup, or would you want a brand-new Harley delivered to your garage, free of charge?”

---