Page 125 of Let It Be Me

He nods. “Fucked up. But they thought they were protecting us.”

“And protecting themselves.”

“Yeah, but ... is that so hard to understand?”

Trying to protect everybody, including myself? I almost laugh at how easy that is to understand. That’s my entire life. Why does the universe insist on humbling me just when I was starting to enjoy feeling self-righteous?

“What are you smiling at?” Anthony asks.

“Am I?”

He laughs. “Uh, yeah.”

“I don’t even know.” I grab the bottle of ketchup and squeeze some onto the extra plate on the table, then take a few of his fries. “How different do you think it would have been if they told us when we were little?”

“You mean if we actually knew we were brothers instead of just acting like brothers twenty-four hours a day?”

“Yeah, that.”

He motions for me to give him the ketchup, and I hand it over. “Not different at all, I’m thinking.”

I dropAnthony at his girlfriend’s house on my ride back to Shafer. At home, I open the fridge even though I’m not hungry and come face-to-face with the meatballs Ruby left me. I never thought a pan of food would make me sad, but sadness is exactly what slaps me across the face. Crushing sadness, the kind I haven’t felt since I was a scared, lonely kid. How did everything in my life get turned upside down so fast?

I close the fridge. I don’t know what to do now, tomorrow, the next time I have to see my family. Emptiness cuts through me, as sharp and unfamiliar as if I’d just lost my sight. What would Ruby do if she were here? Make me a plate, first of all. I force myself to pull out the food she made and heat up a portion. Would she join my pity party and talk shit about my parents? Probably for a few minutes, but then she’d pivot, not wanting either of us stuck in those feelings. She’s always looking for a way out. She’d probably tell me how good I have it compared to having Richard and Catherine for parents.

Actually, I’m wrong. I don’t think she’d do any of that. She’d keep her mouth shut, but her eyes would tell me she gets it. She knows what it’s like to have a secret thrown into the open that should never have been a secret in the first place.

Even though I’m not hungry, I eat everything on my plate because it’s perfect. Then I put the rest of what she made in the freezer. I need it to last.

FORTY-NINE

lorenzo

“So everything looks good,”Dr. Halpert says, pulling off his exam gloves and dropping them into the trash can. “You’ve been a model patient and it’s paid off.” He gives me a tight smile.

I roll out my shoulder. “Where’s your enthusiasm, Dr. H? I get the sense you’re not telling me something.”

“Oh, it’s not that. But now comes the part my patients always hate: Now I have to remind you your shoulder may never be exactly like that of a man who hasn’t been through dislocation and surgery. It’s always going to be a vulnerable spot.”

“To be expected. You told me that before surgery.”

“Yes, well, guys your age always want to be told they’re the exception to the rule, but that’s just not reality. I know you have a lot riding on the rest of your college football career.” He looks at me like he expects to see me punch a hole in the wall and turn over the exam table, which I get. A few months ago his words would have devastated me. But I’m tired of wishing and hoping my karma’s good enough to make me one of the tiny percentage of college players who can make a career out of playing football. It’s something I stopped wanting and startedneedingyears ago, a debt I owed my cousin and my parents and my aunt and uncle.

After I thank Dr. H and schedule my next follow-up, I find a text from my parents and type back a quick reply. They’ve been checking on me constantly in the days since we all sat down together. It’s been hard figuring out how to talk to them. The most surprising part is how much hasn’t changed. I still want to talk to them the same way I always did. I still want to go home to celebrate Labor Day weekend like I do every year. Now that my anger’s settled down, I don’t see my parents in a whole new light the way I was so sure I would. They’re just a little more human than they once seemed.

They didn’t do what they should have done, didn’t say what they should have said when they had the chance. But they did their best with what they had, just like me. What’s really changed is what I know about myself.

I was never going to save Anthony. I could chase the life he and I dreamed up, right down to the championship rings and the mansion, could live my life in service of what he lost out on, and it wouldn’t change anything. I never had control over his future.

The part that hits even harder? Realizing I never had control over Ruby’s either. No matter how much I want her to break free from her parents, to leave the past behind, and to see our love the same way I see it, I can’t do that for her.

And even though this has taken a heavy burden off my shoulders, it’s left me in a dark, confused headspace. For years, every day went down in the books as either a win or a loss. Either I got myself closer to everything I wanted in life or I wasted another day. If I wasn’t making progress, I was failing. If I wasn’t in control, I was dangerous. But now that I don’t know what I want from my life? Today is just a day.

There’s only one thing I know without question I still want. I’m just not sure I can have it.

FIFTY

ruby

---