Page 55 of Let It Be Me

“I said I might, but that was before you and I had plans.”

“She wants to get back together.”

Why the fuck does everyone think they know my relationships better than I do? “I already told her that’s not on the table.”

“And yet ...” She shoots a meaningful look at my phone.

“It’s complicated.”

“Is there a reason you haven’t just shut her down?”

I want to argue that I did. I told her I have no time for a relationship. But maybe I did leave her a seed of hope, and that had nothing to do with Allison and everything to do with me not knowing how to say what I really want. I stare at the grass fora hard minute. Maybe this is the moment to change that.Tell Ruby you want her.

Ruby’s eyes snap to me. “Maybe you should get back together with her.”

I stare at her. “Come again?”

“There must be some reason you left the door open.” She forces a pleasant expression but can’t help adding, “Despite the fact the semester she spent abroad was the happiest I’ve seen you since before you met her.”

“Then why would you want me to get back with her?” It takes hearing my own cold voice to realize I’m annoyed.

“I don’t. I just think maybe you do.”

What the fuck is this about? She hates Alli. And that night in her parents’ kitchen, I swear we were six seconds from fucking and ... I don’t know, maybe acknowledging we want to be more than friends. Maybe turning this into something real.

Or maybe I’m deluded. Maybe Ruby would never let herself get involved with me. Maybe it was never anything more than a drunken kiss.

Fuck. An unexpected flood of anger hits me.

Heart pounding, I push myself up off the ground and don’t bother extending a hand to Ruby. What the fuck are we doing to each other? Her climbing into bed with me and me fantasizing about doing everything from fucking her to marrying her as though it could ever be that easy. We don’t know how to be anything other than friends. How fucked up am I that two minutes ago I was about to tell her I wanted to be with her? I was smarter as a drunk high schooler.

Ruby stands up. I feel her eyes on me but I don’t look at her. “What?”

I turn for the track. “I hate when you act like you know what I want.”

“Come on, Lorenzo, you guys broke up six months ago, yet here you still are, in limbo.”

“We’re not in limbo. We’re broken up. Full stop.”

“I bet she doesn’t see it that way.”

“She can see it however she wants.”

“If you didn’t want to be with her, you would have made that clear.”

“Am I allowed to care about her without wanting her back? Am I allowed to be a fucking pussy about hurting her feelings?”

“You’re allowed to do whatever you want.” She looks forward, her jaw set.

“Then what are you pissed about?”

“We’re best friends. You don’t have to downplay whatever it is that’s going on with you and her. You wouldn’t do that if I were Cash.”

If you were Cash, I also wouldn’t have been fantasizing about rolling around on the grass with you.“I’m not downplaying shit. I told you how it is. What do you want me to do?”

“Go out with her, Lorenzo. I don’t care. Work your shit out and do what makes you happy.” For just a second, her voice takes on that rich, quavery tone that warns me she might cry. But when I look at her, her face is impassive. I imagined it. Maybe I just wanted her to.

It’s quiet enough I can hear my heart pounding. I was an idiot to start giving in to my attraction to Ruby when I don’t even know what she really feels for me. All I know right now is she’s pushing me away, and she’s right; I do need to work my shit out, and I need to start with Allison.

---