Page 112 of Let It Be Me

“I bet you used to think that too.”

The cigarette leaves me nauseated.I walk up the street and let myself into my house, where I brush my teeth and rinse with mouthwash. I give my clothes and hair a sniff, but somehow they escaped the smoke. I drink a glass of ice water, standing outside on the side of the house that can’t be seen from the Rossis’ property.

Everything about today has been awful. I want to be done with the party and drive back to Shafer. But the idea of having spent a whole day with the Rossis without ever speaking to Lorenzo is devastating, and I refuse to let myself consider what that would mean. So I head back toward his house.

But like I’ve manifested a wish I don’t really want, there’s Lorenzo, right where his driveway meets the road. He sees me and stops. I don’t even have time to ready myself before I’m standing right in front of him.

“Hey,” I say softly.

He nods.

“Where are you coming from?” I ask.

“Just took a walk around the block.” He glances down the driveway toward the party. “You know.”

“Not like it used to be, is it?”

His gaze lingers on me. “I’ve missed you.”

Words that will break me if I let them. “I’ve missed you too.” I reach for him, wrapping my fingers around his wrist.

His dark eyes are sad, and guilt is like a dagger in my heart, knowing I put that look in them. The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt him. For a moment I’m overwhelmed by the urge to take it all back, cancel my mistakes. Nothing can’t be undone yet.

“Your parents told me all about the job in Canada. So you’re really doing it.”

Am I?It doesn’t feel real. “I told you I was.”

“I thought you might change your mind.”

I should tell him how many times I’ve thought about doing just that. Instead, I stay silent.

“When did everything change for you, Ruby?” His voice comes out low and harsh. “I want to know exactly the moment you decided to say,Fuck it. I’m out.”

“It wasn’t like that. But our relationship was never what I thought it was, and maybe I needed to make a choice for once without factoring you into it.”

“You only made that choice because of what happened between us. You spend your whole life running away from every standard your parents set for you—running tome. We have one fight?—”

Frustration bubbles up, frustration at myself for letting him know me so completely. “Because I was a child! Now I’m not, and it’s time to stop acting like one.”

“They’re not looking out for you. They don’t even see you. But you already know that. I just don’t get what you’re trying to prove by falling in line. That you don’t really need me?”

“Maybe, yeah. That I can live without you? Maybe you’re not going to be around forever, and I have to stop pretending you are.”

He shakes free from my grip. “I’m not going to be around forever? We were good, Ruby! Why did we start something if we had no intention of making it forever?”

“I don’t know why we started. I didn’t think it through. I guess I never thought I could have something this good.”

“But you did have it, so tell me why you’re giving it up.”

“Because it’s not what I thought it was.”

“It’s not the best relationship you ever had? It’s not friendship and perfect sex and”—he swallows—“love? Just like everyone wants?”

The raw desperation in his voice deepens every single crack in my body. I look into his eyes, willing myself not to cry. “I’ve loved you for such a long time, Lorenzo, and I thought I was the only one who knew that. I can’t get past it. I’m sorry.”

“You’re obsessed with one moment in time. You’re going to take everything from me because I didn’t say the right thing in that fucking moment?”

“It wasn’t one moment. It was a thousand moments of seeing where your life is headed and where mine is headed. Seeing the kind of girls you’re drawn to and knowing the kind of girl I am. And when you told me what I said to you that night, it brought all those moments into focus.”

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