Page 110 of Let It Be Me

His strong hand closes around the back of my neck, fingers snagging unforgivingly in my hair. “Are we never going to touch each other again?” The heady, post-sex smell of exertion wafting off his body threatens to pull me under.

I could shove him away, but I don’t want to. He’s right. I’m so turned on right now, maybe more than I’ve ever been. It’s wild the way the heat of fear and anger burn with the very same heat as desire when his skin is against mine and his breath is in my ear.

“We can try, can’t we?” More words I don’t mean.

His eyes look black as they rest heavy on me. Then he pulls away, and my body goes cold. “I don’t know what to say to you, Ruby. You just turned everything on its head for no fucking reason.”

He bends down to pick his jeans up off the floor, his back to me. I stare at his tattooed skin stretching over his spine, the way his sculpted muscles re-form themselves into perfect order when he stands up. I read the number printed under his shoulder blade—his cousin’s jersey number—and imprint the colors and shapes of his tattoos onto my memory, the crow and the skeletons on the moon, the sinking ship that I know he regrets. It probably won’t be the last time I see them, but when I do, what if they’re not mine to touch?

“But are we okay?” I ask, feeling like a fool.

He stands there in nothing but his thin boxer briefs, and awareness hits me: I have all of him. His lips, his body, the sweet words he whispers in my ear, and that voice he uses to whisper it—the one I never heard until I told him what was in my heart. All the things other girls got from him that I didn’t, all the things he never gave to any girl but me. All the things I longed for, they’re mine. And now I’m giving them up. I stare at him, entranced, and there’s only this moment, and all I know is what I see beforeme. And I can’t for the life of me remember why I’m doing this to myself.

“I don’t know what we are, Ruby.”

FORTY-FOUR

ruby

It’sGina’s birthday and another excuse for the Rossi family to throw a party. I couldn’t say no, didn’t want to, but I’m sweating before I’ve even walked into the backyard. I keep adjusting my dress, anxiety gripping and twisting my stomach.

The scene is familiar, but life has changed so profoundly since the last time I was in Lorenzo’s yard. We’ve gone from everything to nothing. Years of doing everything together, sharing every big and little moment of the day, weeks of exploring each other’s bodies down to the finest detail, and now ... we haven’t spoken in days. I never expected taking the job would cut everything important out of my life in one single slash, but every time regret threatens to overwhelm me, I push it away. Lorenzo would tell me I need to be independent from my parents, but it’s him I need to be independent from. I’ve spent my whole life having a dysfunctional relationship with my parents, and it hasn’t killed me. But to build a life with a man who can never love me like I love him? That just might.

I glance nervously around. What do I say to him? What will he say to me? I don’t know what to expect. But when my eyes find Lorenzo, standing with his dad and uncle as blue smoke pours from the grill in front of them, this is the thought thatinstantly hits me:I’m really going to spend the rest of my life trying to pretend every part of me doesn’t ache for him? God, I hope I die young.

He looks like he always has, handsome and strong, and like nothing I’ve seen before because he looks so far away. When our eyes meet across the yard, he doesn’t smile, and I realize for the first time that, for years, when Lorenzo looked at me, he lit up. He’s never looked at me with the distant expression he gives me today.

The yard is crowded enough and the music loud enough that it’s easy to pretend we don’t see each other. That can’t last all day, but to run into him in front of the guests and have to act like nothing has happened sounds even more unbearable than pretending he doesn’t exist.

When the food is served, I’m overcome by a memory of elementary-aged Ruby and Lorenzo at Gina’s party, sneaking to the Rossis’ kitchen and raiding the pantry for Goldfish crackers, packaged cupcakes, and barbecue chips, then devouring them in his bedroom closet. Lorenzo always forgets my junk food obsession started in his kitchen.

I need an escape.

The dock, of course, is a terrible idea, haunted by memories of lake summers and Lorenzo’s shirtless body. But short of leaving the party or hiding in the bathroom, there’s nowhere else I can be alone.

Turns out I won’t be alone on the dock either. As soon as I’m clear of the hemlock trees, I spot Anthony standing there, staring off to the east side of the lake, smoke curling gracefully from the cigarette in his fingers. I almost turn around, but then he spots me.

“Hayes,” he says when I reach the dock. “Can’t breathe back there, can you?”

“Guess not.”

“Yeah, me either.”

I look at his cigarette as he brings it to his mouth. “That’ll definitely help the lungs.”

He smiles, smoke escaping out either side of his lips. “Want one?”

I shake my head, but the truth is, I do. I’ve always loved the taste of that first puff. Anthony sees the way my eyes linger on his cigarette. He pulls out his pack and offers it to me. I take one, plus the orange lighter tucked inside. “Think I’ll remember how?”

“Not the kinda thing you forget.” He examines the cigarette in his hand. “Not that I ever took a break.”

I light my cigarette, and the first drag is almost as good as I remembered. The rest is shit, though. After a few puffs, I let it slowly burn down in my fingers.

“Don’t let Lorenzo catch you smoking that shit. Wouldn’t want a cancer-stick lecture.”

“I would if it meant he’d speak to me.”

“Why’d you break up?”

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