Page 53 of Devil's Damnation
She's quiet for a long moment, just staring at me. "But you can't just quit being a cop, can you? Not after three years undercover."
"No," I say quietly. "I'm in too deep. They're expecting arrests, convictions. They're expecting me to deliver the club on a silver platter. I've been trying to make myself invaluable, making The Rebels more the focus of the investigation instead of Saint's Outlaws. I'm trying to make Chief Harrison see that me being embedded is good for Laurel Springs."
"I'm supposed to be on a silver platter too, aren't I?" She whispers.
"Never you," I say fiercely. "You were never part of the case, Dani. You're clean, you've always been clean. Whatever happens, you won't be touched by this. I’ve kept you clean. I’ve lied about what you’re doing here."
Her gaze softens. “Do…Dev…but everyone else will be. Including you and my father." It's not a question.
I don't answer because we both know the truth. If I follow through with what my superiors expect, half the club will go to prison. Men who've become my brothers. Men who trust me with their lives.
"This is so fucked up," she says, burying her face in her hands.
"I know."
"I love Donovan, and Devil, but I don’t know you. I don’t even know Derrick David," she says, and the words are muffled by her hands. "God help me, I love you so much it hurts. But I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to trust you again."
My heart breaks a little more with each word. I pull her to me with the belt looks of her jeans. “Look at me.” She does, and I lay it all out. “You love me, you know me. Every thought, fear, stressor, I’ve shared with you has been mine and you’re the only person who has ever made me feel like just being me was enough,” I rush the words out, breathing heavily. My voice is hoarse, and I’m struggling to keep it together. "I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with you. I never meant to feel like my authentic self with this patch. I was a good soldier, I fought in the war, came home, and became an officer of the law. I thought I was where I was supposed to be. Until I got on the back of that Harley."
She looks up at me, and her eyes are red from crying. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"No," I say honestly. "Nothing I say is going to make this better. I fucked up, Dani. I fucked up in ways I can't even begin to fix."
"You should have told me," she says. "Before we got married, you should have told me."
"I couldn't. My cover…"
"Fuck your cover," she explodes, standing up again. "I'm your wife! I deserved to know who I was marrying."
"You're right," I say, because there's no point in arguing. She's absolutely right. "You deserved better than lies."
"I deserved the truth."
"The truth would have put you in danger."
"And lies didn't?" She laughs bitterly. "At least if I'd known the truth, I could have made an informed choice. Instead, you made the choice for me. We’re not even legally married. I married Donovan, not Derrick."
The accusation stings because it's true. I did make the choice for her. I decided what she could and couldn't handle, what she did and didn't need to know. I took away her agency, her right to choose.
"We’ll figure out the marriage, I promise.” I lick my suddenly dry lips. “I was trying to protect you."
"No," she says, shaking her head. "You were trying to protect yourself. You were trying to protect your case."
Maybe she's right about that too. Maybe I was more concerned with maintaining my cover than with being honest with the woman I love.
"So what happens now?" she asks, and her voice is so small, so broken.
"I don't know," I admit. "I honestly don't know."
"Are you going to arrest everyone?"
"I..." I struggle with the answer because I don't have one. "I don't know. I don't want to. There are options, but it's going to take months for that to go through. Chief Harrison is more than likely going to keep me where I am, until those decisions can be made."
"You don't know." She repeats it flatly. "All these years undercover and you don't know what you're going to do."
"It's not that simple, Dani. If Chief Harrison asks me to, and I don't follow through, I'll go to prison for obstruction of justice, for being complicit in criminal activity. But if I do follow through, I destroy the lives of men who've become my brothers."
"And me?" she asks quietly. "What happens to me in all of this?" She pushes the tears out from under her eyes with angry movements.
