Page 36 of Last Fall

I walked through the fence and waited until it swung closed. As if it symbolically ended our night as guests of the Spencer’s and returned us to the awkward world of ZoeandErik.

So I didn’t waste any time. “I wanted to apologize to you. The last couple of weeks have been weird and I’m sure you’re confused by myfreak-outs.”

“A little.” His shoulders rose and fell. “I’m worried about you, Zoe. Is there anything I can dotohelp?”

He’d already helped. I was a black and white kind of girl when it came to people. I dated two guys before Tony and then it was nothingbutTony for five years. It was all or nothing. I was just now realizing it wasn’t that way for mostpeople.

“I moved to Tampa because I’d boxed myself into the wrong life. I needed a clean start.” Yeah, I didn’t plan on sharing that. And yet, my mouth was still moving. “Sometimes things come up. Big things like book deals that are bigger and more monumental that I ever imagined would happen to someone like me and it...” I stopped and turned toward him, looking up into his very handsome, moonlit face. “It makes me realize I haven’t gotten to where I need to be yet. I still make the same badchoices.”

“Was kissing me one of those bad choices?” His eyes searched mine, filled withworry.

My soul ached to erasethatlook.

And that right there was exactly what I needed to deal with. It was that need that got me into so much trouble so long ago. It felt different with Erik, though. With Tony I always felt desperate to make everything better because, if I was being honest, I was scared for my own happiness,nothis.

This felt entirely different. I didn’t ache because my happiness was being threatened, but because I was the one who caused the look. I wanted to fix it. Feltcompelledto right a wrong I didn’t mean tocommit.

“I don’t regret kissing you,” I whispered. “But I am sorry Iusedyou.”

He reached up and ran the pad of his thumb over my cheek before letting it drop back to his side. “I didn’tfeelused.”

My heart beat faster in my chest, heat raced through my veins, my breath grew faster. “I knowthatnow.”

“Was that all you wantedtosay?”

It was crazy how I couldfeelall of him without touching him. The heat and humidity created a pocket around us, intensifying the sensation that some sort of electric field was being generated between ourbodies.

“No,” I whispered, feeling dizzyagain.

“What else did you want totellme?”

He needed to touch me, ground me. Otherwise I might fly away, I was sure of it. But he wasn’t going to touch me unless I asked because Erik was just that kindofguy.

So I reached out and steadied my hands on his forearms. His eyes widened and his nostrils flared, his hands flipping around to wrap around my forearms. It was the most amazing and strange way to be closertohim.

I swallowed. “I’ve liked you for a longtime,Erik.”

“But...you didn’t like being around me. I thought youhatedme.”

I wanted to kiss all the confusion away. The way his brow furrowed, the lost look to his eyes, I wanted to kiss every single bit of it away until he understood I was just as messed up about him as he’d been about me all theseyears.

“I didn’t hate you. I hated the way you made me feel.” It was a lot harder to admit all of this than I’d like. My characters always made it seem like a weight was being lifted and something new and wonderful was being born, but instead it was a lot more like being torn in two. “If we’d spent any time together I’d have kissed you just like I did in the parking lot. Every time I’m around you—ever since we first met—all I can think about iskissingyou.”

He blinked several times and moved closer to me, his head dropped like he was going to kiss meright nowbut then he stopped and I realized his hands had tightened onmyarm.

“So you avoided me at allcosts?”

“Yes. I just...I didn’t want anyone to have that much power over me. I kept thinking a little more time or distance would make it easier but...Erik, it never goteasier.”

He stepped back, removing his hands and any hope for another one of those amazing kisses. I watched with my heart in my throat as he walked in a circle while running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.” He stopped and locked his eyes on mine. “I’m so sorry you felt that way about us. I think I understand a lotmorenow.”

Then why was he over there? We could bekissingnow.

“Are you madatme?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Never, Zo. But what I feel around you is amazing and what you just described,” he shook his head again, “it’s not amazing. I don’t ever want you to feel scared of me or what you feel around me. Do youunderstand?”

Not really. I mean, I did. But I also didn’t. “You don’t want me to bescared.”

---