Page 102 of Last Fall

He didn’t move but his jaw flexed over and over as he read. “He hurt you like that?” his voicecracked.

“Yes.” The details were there. He understood but I guess needed to hear the confirmation frommylips?

He kept reading. His chiseled chest rose and fell faster the longer he read, then his hand fell to his side. “I’m sorry this happened to you.” He shook his head. “No onestoppedhim?”

“I think my friends knew what he was capable of but they were the first people I left behind. The only people still in my life when things got bad were Tony’s friends and my family. I don’t think my parents were capable of understanding what he was really like. They couldn’t believe such a successful, prominent man would do such athing.”

“But you’re theirdaughter.”

“And I couldn’t bring myself to tell themeverything.”

Erik closed his eyes and shook his head. “How diditend?”

I moved to the middle of the bed so he could sit but he refused. “Ican’tsit.”

“Because you can’t benearme?”

His eyes went round with shock. “No. God, no. I’m just so angry I need to stand and maybe punchsomething.”

I thought that was the case but I was in such a weird place I needed to hear him say it. “Okay. Stand then, but if you need to punch something please go outside and do it far awayfromme.”

I knew Erik would never, ever hurt me but I also couldn’t have anything like that near me. Notrightnow.

“Yeah.” He came closer and took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Of course.” We traded one of those long, lingering, soul-searching looks before he let go and retreated to his open space near the wall. “Let’s do this. Put an end to Tony Moravek and put his ass in the grave.” He bounced on the balls of his feet kind of like aboxer.

And even though I was exorcizing my demons, I found Erik giving me these quiet little moments of joy. Further proof that he was the man I was eventually supposedtomeet.

“The beginning of the end was the day I found out he had amistress.”

Erik stoppedbouncing.

“Whatthefuck?”

That’s what I thought too. Hating me for talking to a partner but keeping his own little sidepiece? I finally understood that Tony only cared about Tony. “We were engaged and all that time he had a mistress. I later heard he frequently took advantage of any opportunity that might cross his way, but I never had any facts to gowiththat.”

“Later?”

“I told you once that I was most embarrassed, hated myself the most, because I stayed,right?”

He noddedslowly.

“I stayed after he cut me off from my friends. I stayed after he hurt me. I stayed after I found out about his other life.” And I never really forgave myselfforthat.

“Butwhy?”

“Because I was scared.” That was the simple, uneasy truth. “My whole life was him. That penthouse. What was I without it? Being with him was terrifying but so wasleavinghim.”

Erik raked his hands through his hair and paced. “I don’tunderstand.”

“I packed a bag but I never went through the door because every time I tried I didn’t know where to go. I could not conceive of a life outside that penthouse. How would I feed myself? Where would I live? What would I do? The amount of things I didn’t know crushed me each and every time. I put the bag back. I played my part. But I started planning so that the next time I thought about leaving I had some answers.” It was what finally saved me. I was spiraling fast down a very dark path. I spent days crying. Wondering why I was alive. Soalone.

More alone than I’d ever been, which was fascinating considering my loneliness was how I wound up falling for Tony in the first place. But the problem with that was he never made my life fuller. He simply filled my empty spaces with himself. And that’s not asolution.

I had no doubt that if I hadn’t taken those first steps to freedom that the next time we fought I would have become a danger tomyself.

I watched Erik pace, waiting for him to slow and look at me again. I needed that human connection. Heck, maybe I needed his love. He stopped and shot me a sweet smile that filled me with a lovely warm glow, giving me the courage to finally slay my lastdemons.

“The thing about abusive relationships like this...there’s so much psychology at work. The abuser brainwashes you into thinking you have no choices. That you’re helpless and only they can save you. I truly believed if I walked out that door I wouldn’t survive.” I started a secret bank account and started funneling money into it. I squirreled away cash. I wrote myself notes describing exactly what happened during an outburst and how I felt afterward so I couldn’t explain it awaylater.

---