Page 103 of Back in the Saddle

It had been a week since Alan’s funeral.

Later that night, Hunter had sent her a text she had since re-read more than she wanted to admit.

HUNTER:There are not enough words to apologise for my behaviour earlier. I’m so sorry, Caroline. I didn’tmean to say what I did, it just … Came out. I feel broken, numb, dissociated from the reality. Like someone froze my body into an ice sculpture and smashed me with a sledgehammer into millions of tiny pieces. I’m not whole and I fear I might never be whole again.

She accepted his apology. Told him not to worry about her or her feelings. To focus on himself and his family. They could talk later.

Because she knew how he felt. There were no words for that scathing emptiness.

Pulling the duvet over her head, she opened her mouth and let out a soundless scream.

Just before she’d learned about Hunter’s father’s death, everything had started to fall into place. ASH turned out to be one of the most intellectually stimulating events in Caroline’s life. The panel discussion went so well that she was still feeling the adrenaline rush when she got back to Oklahoma City. She had presented the thirty-six-month data and didn’t stumble even once. She shook hands, introduced herself, discussed ground-breaking studies and met people who had a common goal with her: improve the lives of their patients.

She’d felt as if she was a medical student again. Wide-eyed, fascinated and feeling like she wanted to be part of the exciting future of medicine. Right there, standing in the medical booth of another pharmaceutical company doing research into non-Hodgkin lymphoma in the enormous exhibition centre, Caroline had decided.

Haematology wasn’t for her. But oncology was.

She had already started looking into what she needed to apply for oncology speciality training for next year’s intake.

Thinking about something other than Hunter helped her fall asleep.Thiswas something she felt like she could handle.

Hunter picked her up from the centre on Thursday, the last day of work for her before the New Year.

He put both of his hands on the steering wheel and looked at her. ‘I’m sorry.’

She felt a pang of sorrow in her chest as she took in his dishevelled appearance. ‘You’ve apologised already. You’re grieving, you don’t have to make sense.’

‘Still. I was a dick.’

‘Just a little bit.’

‘I can live with being a little bit of a dick,’ he said, a small grimace resembling a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. ‘What do you want to do? Are you up for a drive?’

‘Why not? I’m officially on leave through Christmas and the New Year now.’

She didn’t ask him how he was feeling. She didn’t ask where they were going. It didn’t really matter. Because as much as she wanted to fight it, she wanted to be near him. She didn’t think pastright now.

Hunter nodded and turned the engine on.

They ended up having sex in the bed of his F-150, somewhere off the beaten track on the Jacksons’ ranch land. She made a joke once about doing it, told him that it was something a she wanted to try.

‘You know, I wasn’t serious when I suggested it,’ she said, pressing her head closer to his chest. It was a chilly and quite breezy night, but there was no sign of snow anywhere.

‘I know.’ Hunter pulled one of the thick blankets higher to cover her up to her neck. ‘And doing it in Decemberprobably wasn’t the best idea. Might’ve been better in the summer.’

‘Very likely,’ she said, shivering a bit. He wrapped his arm tighter around her. ‘But I didn’t feel the cold during.’ She raised her head and looked into his eyes. ‘I hope you don’t normally drive round with a duvet, pillows and three thick blankets in your truck.’

He laughed. It was a short, not very cheerful sound. But it was the first one she had heard from him since his father died. ‘Of course not.’

‘Good. I wouldn’t lie on them if you did, they’d be mouldy.’

He didn’t respond and she couldn’t think of anything else to say. She pushed away from his chest and lay on her back, head on the pillow. The night sky looked like one stolen from a photograph. Velvet black, adorned with so many stars.

Caroline smiled. ‘It reminds me of when we went to Lake Lawtonka.’

Hunter turned to his side, propping himself on his elbow. ‘Yeah?’

They got fully dressed after they finished, and her eyes landed on the buttons of his jacket. She reached to the top one, running her fingers through its smooth surface. ‘Yeah.’

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