Page 96 of Back in the Saddle

‘Hey! That was mine.’

‘Sorry, Car.’ She wiped her mouth with a grey cardigan sleeve. ‘Had to get rid of this taste. It’s official, I hate pumpkin. Why do they ruin perfectly good pies with it?’

Caroline shrugged and recalled her conversation with Hunter on the very same topic. She smiled in a way that people with sweet secrets did.

Caitlin narrowed her eyes and walked up to the counter. They stood there for a moment in companionable silence until Caitlin blurted out in one breath, ‘What’s going on with you and Finn? I messaged him several times when I was thinking of coming here to surprise you. Asked if he wanted to tag along. He hasn’t responded. It’s so unlike him.’

Caroline bit her lip. She turned round, took the corkscrew, opened the Riesling, and poured herself a generous volume.

‘Well …’ She poured another glass and handed it to Caitlin. Then, she told her sisters everything.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t come to me with this. It’s been going on for years. You were so miserable, and you didn’t say a word!’ Clara’s voice was filled with hurt.

The party had finished over an hour ago. The three O’Kelly sisters were sitting on the couch, the air in the living room filled with the weight of Caroline’s tale. Anna and Gian had gone out for some after-party drinks with their friends, leaving them alone.

Caroline’s eyes were tired, and her calves ached from wearing high heels all day. She was mentally exhausted. The only thing she longed for was sleep. But here they were, dissecting her life into gross anatomical pieces. Caroline and Caitlin had swapped wine for herbal tea, but that didn’t make her feel any better. Clara had been sipping non-alcoholic apple cider all night but even she looked ready for her head to hit the pillow.

‘I should’ve told you both before. But I was ashamed. I blamed myself for a long time,’ Caroline said.

‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Clara replied with surprising softness.

Caitlin wordlessly nodded.

‘I know that now. You know how people always say that if they could turn back time … Well, I’d go back to being newlyweds and tellthatCaroline that it’s got nothing to do with her.’ She wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled them up to her chest. She put her head on her knees and stared at the fluffy carpet. ‘I just wish he’d told me the truth before it all got so messed up.’

‘What would you have done if he did?’ Caitlin asked.

Caroline let out a short, sarcastic laugh. ‘Honestly? I’ve asked myself that question dozens of times. And every time my answer’s different.’ She paused. ‘But I think I’d still have married him. I’d want to work things out. Who knows, maybe I’d be happy now.’

‘I don’t think you’d be happy, Car.’ Clara handed her another steaming cup and sat cross-legged on the carpet next to her. ‘Not if you always thought that piece of intimacy is missing. Besides, children on their own are the deal breaker. No one should ever compromise when it comes to that.’

‘True.’ Caroline sighed. ‘And it’s not all intimacy. It’s just sex. Kissing, holding hands, hugging … We had all that. Well, until things went so south, we lost that too. And besides. I didn’t actually know what I was missing.’

Clara pensively stared into her mug. ‘I get it. I mean, not how you’re feeling but we sort of have the reverse situation with Sean. He enjoys sex but, if I’m honest, I could go without it. And I wouldn’t miss it,’ Clara said.

Caroline sat up in surprise. ‘What? You never told me.’

‘What is there to tell? We talked about it and learned to compromise. I don’t really care for that side of marriage.’ Clara shrugged, taking another sip of her cider. ‘There’s so much more to marriage than love or sex. But you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting something, like sex. No one should willingly compromise trying to get what matters to them.’

‘Ditto.’ Caitlin raised her mug.

Clara looked at her, confused.

‘What? I agree with you. I know I’m not married, nor have I ever really been in any kind of long-term relationship, but even I know that love itself is just a concept that society feeds us. There are so many kinds of love. Yet, love never seems to be enough. With or without sex. Although—’ she smirked ‘—I’d never give up sex. But it would be nice to fall in love, too. I seem to be getting all the sex but never anything besides it.’

Clara suddenly coughed as if attempting to mask an outburst of laughter.

Caroline watched her, eyebrows raised, waiting for another fight.

When she recovered, Clara said, ‘You will, Cait. When you meet the right someone.’

Caitlin looked at her suspiciously, as if she was waiting for a double-edged sword to land, but Clara didn’t say anything else.

‘How do you know if you’ve met that someone? How do you know when that love is enough?’ Caroline asked, and they both looked at her with a new interest.

‘I guess you just know. I knew with Sean, and I don’t think I made a mistake,’ Clara answered.

‘So, you’re just meant to cross your fingers and wish for the best? That you won’t get hurt?’

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