Page 93 of Back in the Saddle

Snapping out of the earlier memory from the day, Hunter picked up the whisky glass. He rocked it gently from side to side, intently gazing at how the amber liquid swirled against the sides. He raised it to his mouth, but instead of taking a sip, he sniffed it.

The aroma woke a memory of drinking the very same whisky with his father on his twenty-first birthday. Alan thought this was the first time his son had ever tasted alcohol. It wasn’t, of course. But Hunter had never told him. He’d faked an eager anticipation as his father slowly poured amodest single measure into two glasses on the veranda. They’d sat in comfortable chairs; the sun was just setting. It was the middle of the summer. Hunter had come back home from college and was helping at the ranch, while training for some rodeos. Alan had explained how good whisky should be appreciated, and how you should always smell it first.‘You don’t drink good whisky to get drunk on it. You drink it because you enjoy the taste. You appreciate its history, its flavour and the process that went into producing the bottle in front of you. You can get drunk on cheap beer or vodka. But never whisky.’

Back in the present, Hunter tipped the glass and felt the warmth spreading from his tongue all the way to his gut. His breath caught and he continued drinking, downing the rest. As he was getting ready to pour another measure, he heard a timid knock on the door. His brows furrowed. He got up, walked to the door and stepped back in surprise.

Before he could say anything, Caroline threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

His body was rigid at first, but the warmth of her touch chased some of the tension away. Only then did he realise that this simple gesture was something he had been needing all day.

Sighing, he hugged her back, burying his nose in the crook of her neck. They stood like this for a moment, just frozen in an embrace more powerful than any words. When she let him go, she took a step back and gave him a small, sad smile.

‘After you called, I just thought you needed a hug. I borrowed Anna’s car and drove here. I can leave if you prefer to be alone.’

‘You drove almost forty miles just to give me a hug?’

‘Like I said, I just thought you needed one.’ She took a deep breath.

He looked at her with wonder. He’d called her after he left the ranch because he didn’t know who else he could talk to. Or, if he was more honest with himself, he didn’t want to talk to anyone else.

And she came.

His chest heaved, filled with unbearable emotions he had been holding at bay all day. He hadn’t shed a tear, trying to be strong. Trying to be the shoulder to cry on for his mother and Meg. Now, it felt like the floodgates of sadness opened.

‘Thank you. It means more than I can say,’ he finally managed, his voice broken.

‘I’m so sorry you’re going through it, Hunter. I wish there was something I could do to help … But no matter what I or anyone else says or does, it won’t change anything.’ She looked at him. ‘If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. But if you need it, I can be someone to lean on through these coming weeks. Just let me know what I can do to help.’

Caroline took his hand in hers and the moment their skin touched, something cut through the last thread of his restraint.

Violent sobs rocked his entire body. He collapsed onto his knees, letting out everything he felt but couldn’t say. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, and he cried for his father. He cried for how unfair the world was.

And he cried for himself, since he couldn’t picture a world in which his father no longer existed.

Caroline kneeled beside him, tentatively touching his elbow.

He looked at her through tears, wordlessly asking her to stay.

She enveloped him in a surprisingly strong embrace, rockingback and forth on her feet. Her presence felt like the anchor amid the storm. Right now, this was all he needed and wanted to focus on.

Trying to stay whole.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Caroline

As November drew to an end, the rich autumn foliage was replaced by darker brown and black rotting leaves. Everywhere Caroline went, she could swear there was a lingering smell of pumpkin spice and cinnamon. The last Monday of the month came round fast, starting the final countdown to Thanksgiving. Initially, Anna and Gian had wanted to throw a small party for some close friends. However, the list had quickly grown from five to twenty-five.

Caroline had spent most of the weekend helping Gian with shopping and putting decorations together. Their big dining table was now fully extended with extra chairs assembled around it. Anna had ordered food from the local restaurant that offered catering, but Gian had insisted on making all the desserts herself. Anna didn’t put up much of a fight against that idea, which was probably wise. No one was able to match Gian’s brilliance in this department.

Although Caroline couldn’t wait for the day and the food itself, she was also longing for some time off work, even if it was just two extra days added onto the weekend. Lately, her days had been full to the brim. In the run up to the ASH congress, it seemed like her work never finished. In addition to the clinical trials and teaching at the university, she’d got involved in writing up a qualitative study run by the centre on quality-of-life outcomes reported by patients with bladder cancer.

As the time passed, her conviction that she wanted to apply to oncology training once she got back grew stronger. The only reason why she hadn’t considered it before was simple: her own wounds were still too raw. She’d thought emergency medicine would shield her from forming emotional attachment. It was meant to protect her. You only got to briefly see patients coming through the door, without any risk of building a longer rapport. Working on clinical trials and meeting patients with cancer had rekindled her passion. She hadn’t been ready for it during medical school or after she finished her foundation training. But she believed she was ready now. Meeting Yolanda, their last conversation, had played a significant role in that.

Oncology wasn’t going to be an easy speciality, she knew that. There would be high highs and very low lows. Yet if the good outweighed the bad, if she could make even a small difference in one patient’s life, she hoped it’d be worth it.

She’d kept the word she gave Hunter, too, on being a shoulder to lean on whenever he needed it. Following the karaoke night, her first instinct was to distance herself from him. After all, there couldn’t be any way forward for them. It didn’t matter that they couldn’t define what they had. She couldn’t quite put a single word or emotion on these feelings, but he wasn’t just a handsome guy she enjoyed sleeping with. Although their sex wasso great.

Caroline had had this vague idea that sex should be pleasurable when she was younger. At first, it didn’t bother her when all her friends started having it and exchanging tales of their first times. She’d listened and nodded, asking some questions to show interest. However, as she’d got older, she’d felt a physical void every time Finn pulled away from her when they were making out.

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