Page 88 of Back in the Saddle

Last year, she couldn’t even bring herself to imagine a situation in which she’d even consider going out with anyone else but Finn. And yet here she was.

There were no words in her repertoire to truly describe what she felt for Hunter. His probing question from the night after the karaoke last Friday nagged her mercilessly.

But if you’re asking me to put a label on what we have, I can’t. Can you?

Always a high academic achiever, she used to be the one with an answer to every question. If she didn’t know something, she would go off to the library or track down a teacher or an older student who was able to tell her the answer. She’d search the internet, not leaving any stone unturned.

Yet, she had no answer to the question about her feelings for Hunter. Worse, there was not a search engine she could ask.

Trying to steady her shaking hand, she reached into the fridge and took out a half-empty carton of juice. She poured herself a glass, but then left it sitting on the counter. Her breathing came in ragged spasms, and she was trying to hold on to the present moment. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She ignored it, standing motionless.

It scared her how much Hunter not feeling like he could tell her about what happened to his fiancée bothered her. It shouldn’t have; they weren’t together. It had nothing to do with her.

And that’s why it petrified her. Somewhere between spending time with him and getting to know him, she had started caring.

Even admitting that much made her wince.

It’s because of the physical bond. It’s because it’s new, and exciting.

But if it was just about the physical bond, why had she been dreading seeing him again after what Anna had told her yesterday about Alan’s prognosis? She knew she’d struggle keeping her emotions from her face. Finn had told her in the past she’d make a lousy poker player, and she had to agree. Her face was an open book.

How was she meant to look Hunter in the eye, pick up where they left off, and not tell him the one thing that would shatter him?

Deep down, she knew the answer to that question. Any extra day, hour or minute of hope was worth its weight in gold. It never felt like it in the moment, but once the hammer of despair came crushing down, the knowledge it had been delayed as much as possible could sometimes be soothing. Not immediately – later, often much later.

She dried her eyes and reached for the glass.

For her, that realisation had only come in the final year of medical school. Seven years after her mother passed away. And even now, it didn’t make losing her any easier.

HUNTER:I’ll swing by the centre this afternoon. My dad left his glasses behind when Buck took him for scans yesterday. Any chance I could see you?

Caroline stared at the unanswered message on her screen for what felt like the tenth time that morning.

‘You know, phones usually don’t bite when you pick them up,’ Amira teased from her desk.

‘I know they don’t,’ Caroline replied.Though this one might, a voice whispered in her ear.

It should’ve been an easy answer. She hadn’t seen him for a few days and wasn’t meant to until Saturday. Another three days. She wanted to see him. But at the same time, she didn’t.

If Alan had his scans done yesterday, they were preparing for the multidisciplinary team meeting to discuss his case next week. The meeting Anna had told her about. One that likely was not going to go well.

‘Are you all right? You seem to be somewhere far away,’ Amira said again, a dose of concern injected in her question.

Caroline swivelled away from her computer screen to face her. She really appreciated the friendly work relationship that they had managed to build, despite the shaky start when Amira hadn’t even tried to hide her distrust and suspicion. There was often an unspoken animosity between bench scientists and medics, an easy trap to fall into between ambitious perfectionists. Caroline had briefly experienced it during medical school, but thought it was more about competitive streak between different degrees at the University of Edinburgh, rather than the medical field itself.

Chatting to Amira made her workdays go faster.

‘I’m fine. Thanks for asking,’ Caroline gave her a grateful smile. ‘How are things with Jake?’

Amira paled, her spine straightening like someone had replaced it with a metal rod. ‘Why? Did he say anything to you?’

Caroline raised her brow. ‘I haven’t spoken with him since before he went on leave the other week.’

Amira slumped into her chair with relief. ‘He’s moving his gran into a care home in Florida. He’ll be back next week. We’ve been … texting.’

‘Texting?’

Amira bit her bottom lip, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Texting. Nothing serious.’

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