Page 87 of Back in the Saddle

Caroline felt her chest constrict as if something heavy was pushing against it. ‘Do they know?’ she asked quietly.

Anna gave a curt nod. She sighed and leaned back in her chair. ‘Alan’s been my patient for quite a while now, even before he joined the trial. I really hoped that we’d beat the odds for him, but it seems that cancer’s winning once again.’ She looked tired and somehow defeated.

‘Have you discussed withdrawing from the trial? If he really doesn’t have much time left, switching fully to palliative care might be a kinder option.’

‘I told him as much. Well, I tried to. He’s a very stubborn man. He’s adamant that if he must go, he wants to do some good while he’s still here. He truly believes that him staying in the trial might help the study and, ultimately, help another person in the future.’

‘He isn’t wrong,’ Caroline said, mostly to herself.

This attitude wasn’t unusual among terminally ill patients. She remembered her mother’s resolve to do something ‘good’ once she realised she wouldn’t get better. She raised money for charity, wrote articles and even gave a radio interview to raise awareness of lung cancer in non-smokers. She was very passionate about telling others about her experience, hoping that it would ultimately lead to reducing the delay in diagnosis and improving the outcomes.

As if she could read her mind, Anna reached across the desk and took her hands in hers. ‘What I’m trying to say is that Alan’s most likely going to die, and soon. We’re going to run another battery of comprehensive tests next week, but I can’t say I’m optimistic. Hunter’s very close with him. He’s been accompanying him to every appointment, every surgery, scan – you name it. Even when you think you’re prepared for it, you really aren’t. He’s likely going to need a lot of emotional support in the coming months. And you’re only here for what, another seven or eight months … I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.’ Anna’s voice trailed off as she finished clumsily.

Caroline pulled her hands away from her aunt and looked at her with a mild disbelief. ‘So, you aren’t bothered by the fact I’m working on this trial and seeing him privately, but you’re worried that I’ll, what, care too much?’

‘It’s not that! I just know that things between you and Finn are complicated and that you’re in a vulnerable spot. Not just when it comes to Finn but with your career. You wanted to focus on what comes next for you – isn’t that why you came here?’

‘This is separate. And please don’t bring Finn into this. I told you we’re getting a divorce, there’s no coming back fromthat.’ Caroline swallowed. ‘Hunter is like a breath of fresh air. I just feel happy when I’m with him. That’s all. I know nothing will ever come of it, but if two adults want to enjoy each other’s company, surely it isn’t wrong?’

She felt her cheeks grow warmer.

Anna pinched the bridge of her nose and pushed the loose strands of her chestnut hair behind her ears. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and when she spoke again, she looked and sounded very serious. ‘You really do like him, don’t you?’

‘I do.’

‘I can tell. I think you might find yourself more drawn in than you’re thinking now.’

‘It’s … not like that. He’s five years younger than me. He runs a family ranch in Oklahoma. Even though I’m not sure what I want to do, the past months of working here made me realise I don’t want to give up practising medicine. I just need to figure out what exactly that looks like for me. But I can’t stay here, I want to go back to Scotland.’

‘We often make decisions we didn’t think possible when it’s about love.’

Now it was Caroline’s turn to laugh. ‘Love?’ She shook her head. ‘He’s handsome, funny, and so easy to talk to. Maybe if I was someone else, I could let myself think it could lead to more than it ever will. But given that I’m me and the circumstances are what they are, this will never be more than a bit of short-term fun. We’ll end up going our separate ways and keep hold of some fond memories, that’s all.’

Anna grinned, shaking her head. ‘Oh, honey, this is how all the greatest love stories start.’

Caroline opened her mouth but then closed it again. She couldn’t think of a suitable retort to this. Instead, she got up, brushed the invisible dust off her trousers and coughed. Shesuddenly remembered the real reason why she was in Anna’s office.

‘So, you’re OK with me staying on the melanoma trial?’

Anna stood as well. ‘I am. But only if you are.’

Caroline nodded, feeling like a weight had been taken off her shoulders. Without thinking, she walked to the other side of Anna’s desk and gave her a tight hug.

Anna hugged her back, kissing the top of her head. She then leaned down and whispered in Caroline’s ear, ‘Things will work out just fine, you’ll see.’

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Caroline

Next morning, Caroline realised her headache from last night was mostly gone. The inside of the apartment was quiet. Anna and Gian had gone to Gian’s cousin’s engagement party last night and stayed over.

She pulled her navy woollen cardigan tighter around her chest as she walked into the kitchen.

Anna and Gian were great hosts. She had got used to living with them, the sound of their voices and laughter. Often, they’d also have the radio playing in the background. Happiness seemed to bounce off the walls.

The suffocating silence this morning reminded Caroline of her and Finn’s place. It hadn’t always been that way, but for the past four years it had grown progressively quieter. Like the flat itself became oversaturated with resentment and hurt. It was a vicious circle of her trying to get closer and Finnpushing her away. Repeatedly, until it all bubbled over, and they agreed divorce was the only option left.

Without realising what she was doing, Caroline practically jogged to the breakfast bar where a cream-coloured radio stood, and eagerly pressed the ‘on’ button. Turning up the volume on one of the country music stations, she closed her eyes.

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