Page 32 of A Cornish Winter's Kiss

‘Yes, that’s right, that and her date of birth, as well as where I was born. My father gave me the information when I was eighteen, but it’s only in the last couple of weeks that I’ve wanted to find her.’

‘It’s possible that the name your father was given wasn’t correct.’ Courtney’s statement was matter-of-fact, but her words made Jude catch his breath. She was right; he had no way of verifying that what his parents had been told was true. He’d just taken his father’s word for it and held that name in his head for years, never wanting to act on it, but knowing he could if he changed his mind.

‘Is there a way of finding out?’

‘Yes, there is.’ Courtney clearly wasn’t going to give him any pointers, in case he decided to do it on his own, but he wanted to make it clear to her that wasn’t an option.

‘I started looking for her online, and I thought about checking the registers of births, marriages and deaths, but there’s so much information to go through and I don’t want to find someone who doesn’t want to be found.’

‘I think that’s a great way to approach this. As I said, whilst we can’t guarantee making the process any quicker, we can help protect the people involved. Not everyone chooses to add their name to the contact register, but that doesn’t always mean they aren’t open to being found. If your biological mother does want contact, we can pass on the details.’ Courtney paused for a moment, before continuing. ‘As I’m sure you know, some individuals choose to veto contact. This can be absolute, which vetoes any kind of contact, or it might be a qualified veto, wherecontact can be made in certain circumstances. Even in the case of an absolute veto, it’s sometimes still possible to pass on key information, such as hereditary medical conditions. It’s very unusual for us not to be able to pass on some kind of information as a result of the search, and we truly believe it’s a far better option than going it alone, or signing up to a DNA website, as some adopted children choose to do.’

‘I don’t want to pursue that option. I have no interest in finding a second cousin in Milton Keynes. I’d just like the chance to have a conversation with my biological mother, even if it’s only once.’

‘I understand that. I’ll email you some information about how to get the process started and what we’ll need from you. Then we’ll run some initial checks using the name you were given. Our first goal is always to establish that the person we’re searching for is still living, and there are a couple of ways to do that quite easily. After that we can get going with the next phase of the search, but please remember these things are rarely as quick as we’d like them to be.’

‘Okay, I understand that. Thanks for all your help and I look forward to hearing from you.’ As Jude ended the call, he suddenly shivered, a sense of foreboding settling on him for just a moment, before he shook it off. It was understandable that this felt like a big step, and of course he was going to question whether he might be making a mistake, but he’d already examined the worst-case scenario. If all his biological mother wanted to do was forget he’d ever existed, then at least he’d know. Ignorance had stopped being bliss a long time ago.

Emily had a biscuit tin under one arm and Gary Barlow under the other as she climbed the steep stairs up to Puffin’s Rest. Her parents’ dog never went upstairs and it turned out he didn’t even seem to know how. He’d put his front two paws on the second step up and then refused to go any further, even when she’d given a gentle tug on the lead.

‘We could just have met down by the harbour again.’ Emily’s pronouncement as Jude opened the door to her was only partly because of the effort of carrying the dog up the stairs. The idea of being alone with Jude in his flat suddenly seemed like a risk she didn’t need to take. He was making them lunch, and he’d finally asked if she minded reading some pages from his reworked novel to get her perspective, which she’d offered to do before they’d even come down to Cornwall.

They’d met the day before, for their usual walk with the dogs, and Jude had told her about his decision to contact an intermediary agency to move forward the search for his biological mother. It was clear this was a big step, but it was just as clear it was one he needed to take so that he could free up some head space to finish his book. His editor had called him when they’d been out with the dogs, checking on his progress. She just hoped she’d be able to tell him the pages he’d reworked were brilliant, because she was all out of ideas about how to help him write a believable relationship for DCI McGuigan. He’d met her parents, and she got the impression he’d liked them every bit as much as they’d liked him. They hadn’t stopped asking when he was coming round again and, on her way out of the house, her mother had instructed her to check whether he was coming to watchElfwith them over the weekend. She’d also given Emily a tin of Christmas cookies to pass on.

‘Meeting down by the harbour for lunch would probably have been a good idea. It would have got me out of the flat and away from the computer for a bit longer.’ Jude stepped back to allowboth her and Gary Barlow inside. ‘That way I might actually stop checking my emails every five minutes.’

‘Are you waiting for some news about your books?’ Emily remembered Sophia jumping at the phone every time it pinged when they’d been out together the previous year. One of her books had been optioned by a TV company, and there was a meeting that day to discuss whether it had been selected for production. Sophia hadn’t been able to relax while she was waiting for the news. After about the third time she’d leapt on her phone to check a message, even Emily was feeling jumpy.

‘No. I know it’s stupid, because it’s almost certainly going to be weeks before I hear anything, but I can’t stop myself from checking whether there are any messages about the adoption search.’

‘That’s understandable.’ Emily followed Jude through to the open-plan living area, and he invited her to take a seat. No one would ever have guessed it was less than two weeks to Christmas judging from the décor. There wasn’t a single strand of fairy lights on display, never mind the kind of six-foot Christmas tree that would have looked stunning in front of the full-length windows looking out towards the sea. ‘If you want something to distract you from checking your emails, Mum and Dad have been nagging me to invite you over to watchElftomorrow night. Apparently, you told Mum it was your favourite and after the children break up from school, you won’t get the chance to see any more films in peace because my sister and her kids will be there in person for every movie night after that.’

‘WatchingHome Alonewith all of you was the first time in a long time that I’ve got the kind of Christmassy feeling I remember from when I was young. I’m not sure if the kids will appreciate me being there once they arrive, so I better take your parents up on the offer while it’s quiet. That’s if you don’t have any objections?’ Jude gave her a questioning look.

‘Of course I don’t.’ Emily tried her best to sound casual; she didn’t want him to know how much she wanted him to accept the invitation. ‘I think you’ll be fine with my sister’s kids, though. They’re pretty full on, but it’s hard not to get swept up in their excitement about Christmas. You must remember what that was like, and that being around other kids made you even more excited?’

Jude shook his head. ‘I never really got to hang out with other kids that much over Christmas, or at any other time. When Mum was alive, she made things special, but that didn’t really involve other kids. It was just us and, looking back, I suspect that was because my father didn’t want a house full of kids. After she died and Sandra came along, I don’t think they even wanted me in the house, let alone other children. I know she didn’t. There were the other kids at boarding school of course, but we were too old for all the Santa stuff by then.’

‘What about now? With your stepsister’s children?’ Jude had told her about Viv’s daughter, Fiona, and it had sounded as if he was fond of her and her family, but he shook his head again.

‘I don’t spend time with them either, at least not as much as I probably should. Sandra’s dislike for me was so obvious, and I struggle to believe that Viv doesn’t feel the same way, even though she never gives any indication of it.’ Jude shrugged. ‘It’s just easier for us all if I don’t get too involved.’

‘I guess.’ Emily nodded. She didn’t really agree with him at all, but the last thing she wanted to do was dismiss the way he felt. It must have been incredibly sad to believe that his own family, the people who were supposed to love him most, didn’t really want him around. She didn’t think for a moment it was true, because once you got below the surface and Jude revealed his true self, there was so much about him to love. He was clever, kind, generous and funny. It was just that he preferred to hide it all away and keep his emotions firmly in check. Emily wascertain if he gave his family even a hint of wanting to be a part of their world, that they’d welcome him in with open arms, and it made her sad to think he might never do that. She’d never have believed a few weeks ago that Jude would open up to her as much as he had, and as he busied himself setting food out on the table, having refused her offer of help, she decided it was her turn to open up to him.

‘Working on this project with you has made me think about a lot of things, especially as Mum’s Parkinson’s disease is progressing again. The consultant is hopeful she can get it under control and that Mum can enjoy a normal life span, but there’s a chance she won’t and that it’ll escalate to stage five instead. Even if they can stabilise things for now, the new symptoms might still limit what we can do in the future. I just don’t want to waste any opportunities to make the most of the time we’ve got.’ Emily tried to keep her tone level, but she didn’t quite pull it off, her voice cracking on the final line. Right from the time of her mother’s diagnosis, the whole family seemed to have made an unspoken pact to look on the bright side, but things had got worse recently and the thought of what might happen if the new medications didn’t work made it impossible not to get emotional.

‘I’m so sorry about your mum, she’s such a lovely lady, but I think what you said is really important.’ Jude looked across at her and she had to fight not to drop her gaze. ‘There’s nothing specific I wish I’d done with my mum while I had the chance, I just wish I’d treasured the time we had far more than I did and realised how precious it was. Although I guess you don’t understand the true value of important moments until you know for certain that it’s impossible to recreate them. I just wish I’d told her how I felt about her.’

‘And how was that?’

‘I loved her.’ Jude smiled at the look that must have crossed her face. ‘All right, all right, you’ve got me. I did love her, but it doesn’t detract from my theory that love can often be broken down into a series of transactions. I got a lot from my mother and I loved her in return. She desperately wanted a child, and I needed a mother. There’s your transaction right there.’

‘I don’t think you really believe it’s as simple as that.’ She was pushing Jude now, knowing she risked him shutting down on her, but she couldn’t seem to help it. For some reason, it was really important that he acknowledged the existence of love, in a way that went beyond what he needed to finish his book. ‘There are plenty of parents who don’t do a great job, but their children still love them. Or children who commit terrible crimes, and yet their parents stand by them. Neither of them are getting what they want or need from each other, yet the love is still there.’

‘Is it really though? Maybe it’s a sense of duty on the parents’ part, or what society expects them to do. That’s a different kind of transaction.’ Jude shrugged.

‘And what about the children who still love their parents, even in the face of fundamental selfishness, or something much worse like neglect?’

‘That’s harder to explain.’ Jude’s face clouded for a moment. He was such a clever person, always ready with an answer, but he was clearly struggling. Then he seemed to recover. ‘I don’t know, maybe it’s because those children are desperate to believe that they are loved, despite the way the parents have acted. So they excuse the behaviour and want their parents to be a part of their lives more than ever, in the hope that they’ll suddenly change and become the kind of parents the children need.’

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