Page 25 of A Cornish Winter's Kiss

‘You must be able to see them from your place.’ When Emily had discovered that Jude was staying at Puffin’s Rest, she’d felt a pang of envy. She’d seen the apartment online when it had gone up for rent, but she could never have afforded it, even if she hadn’t been living in London. She hadn’t realised it had gone back to being an Airbnb, but she couldn’t really have justified booking it for a weekend when it was less than ten minutes’ walk from her parents’ house.

‘The windows look out to sea in the other direction, and I’ve been mostly working when I haven’t been out with Rufus. So I haven’t been out in the evenings. The last time I came down just to look at the lights was with Mum, a few days before we left on the skiing trip.’ A mask of sadness almost swallowed Jude’s features for a moment, and Emily’s throat burned as she looked at him with the desire to cry tears she had no right to. This wasn’t her pain, but it was so palpable and she wanted to put her arms around Jude and try to absorb some of the hurt for him, just for a little while, but she had no idea how he’d react.

‘I’m sorry. It must be so hard when memories like that hit you.’ She spoke softly, resisting the urge to reach out for him, as much as she wanted to.

‘It’s nice to remember the good times. She always loved Christmas and the lights down here, but for a long time all of that was associated with the time of year we lost her.’ Jude seemed to shake himself, turning to her with a smile, clearly ready for a change of subject. ‘So where are we headed off to? Are you going to take me on a tour of all the dark alleys that no one born outside Port Agnes know exists?’

‘What, and have my wicked way with you?’ Emily clamped a hand over her mouth, suddenly wishing the ground would swallow her up. It was the kind of throwaway line she’d have made as a joke with almost anyone, but with Jude it felt farmore inappropriate, and not just because the basis of their relationship was a working one.

‘I should be so lucky. I mean, with that deer stalker and those wellies…’ He let out a long whistle, breaking the tension, and she laughed.

‘Well, I’m afraid my ears are the only bit of myself I’m going to be revealing to you tonight. No, I was thinking we could head down King’s Street first, the gallery there always has a good display at Christmas, then up Mariner’s Stairs to Seaview Road. There’s a house there my dad insists has Christmas lights that are visible from space. Well, maybe not space exactly, but his best friend Barry swore he spotted them flying back into Exeter airport.’

‘Your dad sounds great.’ Jude didn’t look at her as he spoke. They were already walking in the direction of King’s Street, but there was a wistfulness to his tone that he couldn’t disguise.

‘He is. Although it’s probably Dad that I get most of my quirkiness from. He’s always had his own way of doing things. Ever since he retired he’s been doing stuff to try and keep his brain active. His latest thing is learning Spanish, and he practises by speaking it to the dog when he doesn’t think any of us are listening. Gary Barlow is probably ready to sit his GCSE by now.’

‘Brilliant.’ The smile was back on Jude’s face, and Emily’s shoulders relaxed in response. It gave her a warm feeling when she made him smile. The natural thing would have been to ask about his own father, but she already knew how he would respond to that, so she decided to focus on work.

‘How are you getting on with the edits?’

‘They were going well.’ Jude’s hand accidentally brushed against hers, and her skin tingled. There was no point trying to deny the attraction, because her body had started overruling her brain a long time ago. She didn’t want to enjoy his companyas much as she did or think about him all the time when they weren’t together, because before too long their business arrangement would be over and she already knew she was going to miss him. She just had to keep pushing those emotions down, focus on what he was saying, and wait for the feeling to pass. ‘I thought I’d cracked it. I decided to stick with Plan A and McGuigan’s relationship with an old flame, whose brother, a former friend of McGuigan’s, has been identified as a suspect for a series of murders, which she may or may not be covering up. It gave the relationship a tension based on McGuigan’s difficulty in opening up to someone, and the fact that the woman he’s falling for second time around might be protecting a serial killer.’

‘That sounds great, and it won’t have any of the… What was it you said? Gushy hearts and flowers you were so worried about.’

‘You’d think not, wouldn’t you? But when I read through what I’d written, it still sounded shoe-horned in, and so unlike McGuigan. I just don’t think readers are going to buy into it.’

‘Maybe it’s just because you don’t.’ There was a heaviness in Emily’s chest. Even after all the time they’d spent together, Jude still couldn’t accept the idea that a relationship might add something to his character’s life. ‘Have you shown any of the changes to your editor?’

‘Marty keeps nagging me to see them. But he’s Sophia’s editor too and, I’m not being rude?—’

‘Why do people always say that when they’re about to be rude?’ She cut him off, her defensiveness of Sophia and her brilliant books already kicking in.

‘I’m really not, I promise. All I was going to say was that if sections of my book read like Sophia has written them, it’s going to jolt my readers out of the story.’

‘You’re too close to it to be objective. You said before that you might want me to look at some pages, and I’m happy to do that.’

‘Thanks, but it’s not about a lack of objectivity. I can tell it’s crap.’ Jude sighed. ‘But that’s got nothing to do with you. You did a great job of opening my eyes to why so many people want to believe in love, and the kinds of things people who think they’re in love do and say. I just can’t make those things sound anything other than stupid when they’re coming out of McGuigan’s mouth.’

They’d reached the window of the gallery by now and usually the sight of it would have left Emily feeling all warm and fuzzy. Someone very talented had recreated a miniature version of part of Port Agnes in the window, complete with a winding street of cottages, covered with a dusting of snow, waves sparkling with what looked like ice crystals, and a tiny recreation of the lobster pot Christmas tree, flanked by a family building a snowman on one side and Father Christmas on the other. It was beautiful, but all Emily could feel was a sense of irritation, and try as she might, she couldn’t let it go.

‘Why do you have to say people whothinkthey’re in love? Why can’t you admit that for some people it is real, even if it’s never happened for you?’

‘Because it’s a chemical reaction at the start and then, like everything else, it becomes transactional, and it only?—’

‘Not this again.’ She cut him off for a second time. ‘My dad has been looking after my mum ever since her Parkinson’s progressed to a level where there are a lot of things she can no longer do independently. He doesn’t do that because he gets something back from it, he does it because he loves her.’

‘But he does get something back from it, can’t you see that? Look at how you’re talking about him, admiring what he does because it’s out of the ordinary. You wouldn’t need to do that if this was really about love, because everyone would just accept that’s what someone who loves another person does for them. What your dad gets out of this at the very least is a sense ofpurpose, of doing something worthwhile. And if we’re honest, the chance to be seen as a hero is no bad thing either.’

‘Don’t you dare suggest that my father doesn’t love my mother.’ Emily’s scalp tightened and her voice rose an octave, making both dogs tilt their heads to one side. She knew all the things she was about to say would cross a line that couldn’t be uncrossed, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself, and the truth was she wasn’t sure she wanted to. She’d almost certainly lose the friendship that had been building between her and Jude, but she was certain now that if she really wanted to help him, this was the only way. ‘You’ve got no idea about my parents’ relationship, you’ve got no idea about anybody’s, because you’re so messed up by your own childhood. You might not admit it, even to yourself, but the reason you don’t believe in love is because you doubt that anyone really loved you. Ros showed you love, but when she died you didn’t get it from your dad or Sandra, and in the end that even made you doubt what you had with your mum. I think the reason you won’t work through your feelings about the adoption is because you’re terrified you’ll discover that your biological mother didn’t love you. That’s why you can’t write about McGuigan being in love. You’re never going to buy into the idea until you believe it could happen to you, and you can’t do that if you have doubts about whether you’ve ever been loved.’

The words had come out in such a rush of emotion that Emily could barely catch her breath.

‘Are you finished?’ The look Jude gave her was so cold, and all she could do was nod in response. ‘Good, because I think we are too.’

He didn’t give her a chance to respond, pulling Rufus’s lead as he turned his back on Emily and disappearing into the night.

Gary Barlow had whined desperately when Emily had refused to let him follow Jude and Rufus, and he was still making pitiful sounds every few steps as they headed home. It made her want to cry, and so did the biting wind that seemed to have come out of nowhere, which was now whipping at her face. That had to be why her eyes were streaming with tears; it couldn’t be because of the argument she’d just had with Jude. Although in truth it would have been hard to call it an argument, because all the outpouring of emotion had been on one side. She shouldn’t have let her feelings get the better of her like that, but Jude had touched a nerve with his comment about her parents, and it was too late to take back anything she’d said.

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