Page 46 of Together Again at the Cornish Country Hospital

His body seemed to sag and it wasn’t until he answered that she realised he was relieved. ‘You love me and I love you. That’s all that matters Ames, don’t you see that?’

‘No it isn’t. I wish it was, but it really isn’t.’ Tears streamed down her face at the unfairness of it all. She’d found someone she loved, who loved her, but it didn’t matter how much, it was still going to be taken away from them by other people. As he reached out towards her, her body went rigid. If she let him make that connection she’d never be able to ask him to leave. ‘Do you know what my brother said when he showed me the article? He said it explained everything, and that people would know you were using me to cover up your secret life, because no one could possibly believe you wanted me for me.’

‘You know that’s not true. Since I came back I’ve realised it’s only ever been you. Nathan gets off on lashing out at you and saying the most awful things he can think of.’ Lijah tried to reach out again, but it was like she was made of stone. Amy held her breath until she’d regained enough composure to answer him, forcing herself to be cold when he was the one person she wanted to comfort her.

‘But this time he’s right, isn’t he?’ She shook her head when he started to protest again. ‘Not about you having some sordid secret life, but about the fact that no one can believe we’re together. Aren’t you embarrassed when you read what people say about me? And what choosing me says about you?’

‘The only people I’m embarrassed for are the ones who go online spouting hatred, and who can’t see how incredibly lucky I am to have you in my life. I always knew it, I just wish to God you did too. If you could see yourself through my eyes for one moment, it would change everything. As for what people write, you wouldn’t be seen dead with me if you saw some of the comments aimed in my direction. I’ve had them all: ugly, talentless, stupid, crazy, narcissistic, the worst singer alive, with music that’s only fit to be played in public toilets, because it would be a cure for constipation.’ He caught her eye and for a moment she wasn’t able to stop herself from smiling. ‘Oh, you can laugh, but that’s what someone said, word for word. I stopped reading all that stuff years ago to protect my mental health, and so I could appreciate the here and now. I value that more than ever since we reconnected. I know I keep saying it, but please don’t let other people come between us again. They don’t have to, not unless you let them.’

‘They already have, and I know even if we fight it they won’t stop trying. People like the natural order of things, beautiful people with beautiful people, the rich and famous with rich and famous, or some kind of combination of that. They won’t accept you settling for someone like me, and I’m done with not feeling good enough. I felt like it all the time when I was growing up because of Nathan, and even back when we were teenagers there were people who told me you’d never stay with me. That’s partly why I told you to go to London without me, to put things to the test, and I proved them right. Since then I’ve worked hard to build up my self-esteem and create a life I’m proud of, to prove to myself that I’m worth something, and for the first time I genuinely believe it. Except now I can’t move without someone telling me I was right all along, and that I’m not worthy, at least not when it comes to you. Your fame is too much for a place like Port Kara, but it’s my home. Even if I followed you into your world, I’d just be wondering how long it would be before I got left behind again. And if things didn’t work out between us, I’d have lost everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I can’t live my life like that Lijah, I really can’t. Not even for you. I want you to leave, for both of our sakes.’ The words sounded so stark, and a huge part of her was desperate to take them back, but she knew she couldn’t.

‘No you don’t. If I thought you did I’d walk out of the door right now, but we love each other and we can find a way to work the rest out.’ It didn’t matter what Lijah said, or how much she wanted to believe him, it wouldn’t change anything. They carried on talking, going around in circles for what felt like forever, but somehow Amy held firm, in the end delivering the killer blow that if he really loved her he’d understand why she needed him to leave. That didn’t stop her stomach clenching in pain when he finally agreed to pack up his stuff, which seemed to have found its way into her flat over the past few weeks.

‘You don’t know how much I wish things had turned out differently.’ Lijah looked like a broken man when he turned to face her in the doorway one last time, and all she could manage in response was to nod, tears streaming down her face as the door closed behind him. She tried to steady herself against the wall, but it was no good and she slid down on to the floor, Monty coming to sit beside her, sensing something was wrong.

‘It’s just you and me again now, boy.’ She pressed her face into his fur and let the tears keep coming. She’d lost Lijah for a second time, and it was even more painful than she’d feared.

* * *

After Lijah had left, the flat looked completely bare, like when Christmas decorations come down, and what’s left behind feels greyer and duller, as if the light has been sucked out of the room. It was how Amy felt too, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Her colleagues and friends kept asking what was wrong, and trying their best to persuade her to change her mind when they discovered what had happened.

‘Every relationship is a risk, Amy. You can’t go into one without knowing you’re putting your heart on the line. If I hadn’t taken a risk I’d never have said yes when Barry asked me out on a date, and my life would have been so much smaller if I hadn’t shared it with him.’ Gwen had been one of the first people Amy had spoken to about what had happened, and she clearly wanted to try and help, but she didn’t understand. No one really did, even when Amy tried to explain it.

‘What happened with you and Barry is different. You came from the same place, and you moved in the same circles. Yes, there was a risk for you and Barry, but I already knew what would drive me and Lijah apart in the end. Why put myself through all of that, when it was obvious from the start it was never going to work?’

Gwen had shaken her head in response, clearly still not convinced. ‘Something outside of our control could have driven us apart too, one of us could have become ill and left the other one alone. I know that better than anyone, and it’s something everyone in a relationship has to face eventually. But even if that had happened years before our time, I’d still have been glad we took the chance to be together. I’d rather have had three years with Barry, than a lifetime without him. I know more than ever how lucky I am, because we’ve had five decades and counting, but real love doesn’t come along for everyone. So many people don’t get to experience a single day of that, never mind three years, or five decades. I know you love Lijah, and that he loves you, it’s written all over your faces every time you’re together. Don’t miss out on having something lots of people never get, just because of the what ifs and maybes.’

‘It isn’t what ifs.’ Screwing her face up, Amy had desperately tried not to cry. She’d done far too much of that already. ‘The attention we’ve had is relentless, and it’ll drive us apart eventually. You’ve been asking me what’s wrong and why I’m so sad, because it’s obvious that letting go of Lijah is breaking my heart. But if I try to hold on to him, and I let my feelings deepen even further, there’s a chance I might not survive when he eventually realises this can’t work. I need to get out now to stand a chance of getting over him.’

In the end, Gwen had stopped pushing and she’d taken instead to fussing around Amy, bringing her little treats from the shop, and passing on ridiculous knock knock jokes that one of her grandchildren had told her. Lijah kept calling and messaging her too, but she didn’t reply, and eventually she’d blocked his number, and then deleted it, so she couldn’t change her mind and reach out to him. She was staying in the spare room of the flat Isla and Reuben shared, above his delicatessen, because there was no chance of Lijah coming to find her there. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to turn him away again if she saw him face to face, so hiding in her friends’ flat felt far safer. Amy hadn’t been able to face staying with her parents and having Nathan remind her at every opportunity that he’d seen this coming. Lijah had come to the hospital to try and speak to Amy, just once, but it had caused a furore when someone had recognised him, and all it had done was serve to illustrate that their worlds didn’t mix. She hadn’t seen him since, so when she walked outside the hospital to get some air during her break, and looked up to see a familiar face, it took her breath away.

‘Nick, what are you doing here?’ She couldn’t dampen down the hope that Lijah had sent him, and told Nick not to leave until Amy had agreed to thrash things out, so that they could pick up where they left off. She wanted to believe that Lijah was missing her as much as she missed him, even though she knew there was nothing Nick could say to change her mind.

‘I came to say goodbye.’

‘You’re going?’ It was such a stupid question, given what Nick had just said, but he nodded anyway.

‘We’re going back on the road, restarting the tour. Lijah’s decided it’s the right time, now that you and he…’ Nick looked awkward for a moment. ‘With Claire leaving soon, he just doesn’t think there’s anything left for him here now and our flights are booked for the day after tomorrow.’

‘What about you and Dolly?’ It was almost as if she was pleading with him to find a reason to stay. Amy had no idea what she was trying to achieve, but she suddenly felt desperate to stop Nick leaving Port Kara, knowing that Lijah wouldn’t go on tour without him.

‘We’re going to see what happens. We both knew I wouldn’t be here forever and that we were only having fun while it lasted, but we’ve become a lot closer than either of us expected. Dolly is going to arrange for another dog walker to cover her for a couple of weeks over the summer and fly out when we’re on the Japanese leg of the tour. She won’t be able to stay long because of her business, but she said even if we decide this was just a meaningless fling, she’s always wanted to go to Japan, so she might as well come while she’s got the offer of free accommodation.’ Nick laughed. ‘That’s one of the things I like best about Dolly: her brutal honestly and the fact she’s got her own stuff going on. I know that’s one of the things Lij likes about you too, although we both know it goes a lot deeper than that.’

‘Nick, don’t please.’ She’d thought this was what she wanted, but it was too hard. She couldn’t listen to Nick telling her what a mistake she was making, and it was her eyes that pleaded with him this time. Eventually he nodded.

‘Bye Ames. I hope everything works out for you.’ He pulled her into a hug and then let go. ‘He really does love you, you know and I don’t think anything could happen to change that. Whatever you might think.’

‘Bye Nick.’ She turned then, going back inside the hospital and breaking into a run, not stopping until she reached an empty consulting room. Slamming the door behind her, she put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle the sob that was so desperate to escape. Nick didn’t have to try and convince her that Lijah loved her, she knew he did, and it was what made such a painful decision even harder.

* * *

‘I’m not going to go to Tenerife.’ Claire made the statement and folded her arms tightly across her chest, in a way that Lijah recognised. It signalled that his aunt meant business. It hadn’t been a move she’d pulled very often when he was younger, but it had always made him stop and take notice when she did, because she so rarely got strict with him.

‘Yes, you are, don’t be ridiculous.’ He mirrored her body language. This was one battle he wasn’t going to back down on, no matter how much his aunt tried to dig in her heels. She was starting a new life with her girlfriend and he’d take her to Tenerife himself if he had to.

‘How can I leave you when you’re like this? It breaks my heart that things haven’t worked out with Amy. Your mum and I both loved that girl, and she’s so good for you. I can’t believe that what the papers have been saying has cost you the best thing that ever happened to you.’ His aunt must have seen how hard the words hit him, and she reached out to hug him. ‘Oh Lij, I’m sorry, me and my big mouth. It just makes me so bloody angry.’

‘Me too.’ His voice was muffled. ‘It makes me incredibly sad too, but I love Amy and the last thing I want is for her to be unhappy. I could see what this was doing to her, but all I could think about was how much I wanted her in my life. If I’m going to do what’s best for her then I need to respect her wishes.’

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