Page 39 of Together Again at the Cornish Country Hospital

He didn’t say anything and he was still watching her when she’d finished sending the text.

‘Why are you staring at me?’ There was an edge to her tone, the fear of him realising how she felt making her harsh.

‘Don’t you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to London?’ His eyes were still on hers and her mouth wouldn’t seem to form the answer she wanted to give. So she found herself blurting out the truth.

‘All the time.’ His eyes widened in surprise, and she managed to recover herself a little. ‘But only since you’ve been home.’

‘Home. That’s a funny word, isn’t it?’ Lijah stood up and took a step towards her so that they were almost touching. ‘I had such an overwhelming urge to come home, but when I got here it didn’t feel like home any more. Mor Brys isn’t home without Mum, and Claire is moving away soon. Renting the cliff house didn’t help either. Nick is with me all the time, so sharing a place with him here is no different to us living anywhere else. The only time I’ve had any sense of really coming home is when I’ve been with you.’

‘I can’t be your sticking plaster, it’s not fair on me, because, because…’

‘Because what?’

‘Because I still love you.’ Amy shook her head, wishing she could stuff the words back down her throat. She wasn’t supposed to admit that, not even to herself.

‘You make that sound like the worst thing in the world.’ Lijah’s whole face seemed to change as he smiled. ‘But it’s the best thing I’ve heard, because I feel exactly the same way. I never stopped loving you either, so you’ll have to tell me again why there’s a problem.’

Amy’s breath caught in her throat and all the things she’d told herself about why this could never work seemed to desert her again, but somehow she plucked the most important reason out of the air.

‘Because you’re famous and everything has changed for you. This isn’t your life any more, but it’s still mine, it always has been. I’m not looking back at it with rose-tinted glasses, because I’m still living it and I don’t want to give it up. When this doesn’t solve all your problems, or it turns out not to be enough for you, it’ll still be my life.’ She clamped her arms to her side, desperately trying not to reach for him.

‘I’m not asking you to solve my problems or to give up the life you’ve built for yourself, all I’m asking for is a chance to prove I mean what I’m saying. What harm could it possibly do to give this another chance? A proper chance, not one that feels like we’ve both decided it’s over before it’s even begun.’ He was so close to her now that she could see the sincerity in his eyes, but somehow she still couldn’t trust he meant it.

‘You could date anyone you like, so why the hell would you choose me?’

‘I could ask you the same question.’ Lijah narrowed his eyes and she pulled a face.

‘It’s not the same for me and you know it. If you want to prove this isn’t just some trip down memory lane for you then I need to hear it.’

‘Because I love you and I’ve never felt that way about anyone else. You’re the best person I know, and I can be completely myself with you, but for some reason you still seem to like me.’ He took hold of her hand and she couldn’t remember what she’d been about to say, instead she found herself closing the gap between them and the next moment they were kissing. Anyone could have seen them, but suddenly she didn’t care. The rules had been a stupid idea that could never have protected her from getting hurt, because she’d had no chance of sticking to them. She loved Lijah and it was going to break her heart if he walked out of her life again, whether they snatched bits of time together secretly, or the whole world found out that they were seeing each other again. When she eventually stepped back from him, her cheeks were flushed, and the decision was made. Her heart had been all in from the moment Lijah had come back into her life, and now the rest of her had followed suit.

‘Do you want to come back to my place?’ It was a straightforward question, because there was no point playing games any more, and he smiled in response.

‘That’s the easiest decision I’ve had to make for a long time.’ Lijah put an arm around Amy’s waist, pulling her into his side, and she let go of a long breath as they started to walk. It might have been an easy decision for him, but she still wasn’t sure whether putting her heart on the line like this was the stupidest decision she could possibly make. She had no choice, though. Gwen had talked about not wasting the time you were given, and that the only way to live life was to give it all or nothing. So, if having nothing was the alternative, Amy might as well at least try to have it all, whatever that might end up costing her.

22

Gwen had been put through more tests than she could have listed, even if her brain hadn’t felt like it was made of marshmallow, and some of the results had already come back. When she and Barry had described her symptoms to Meg, she’d hit upon the mention of increased thirst and the resulting need to go to the loo more often.

‘It could be diabetes. If that’s gone undiagnosed, it could also explain some of the confusion.’ Gwen had wanted to latch on to Meg’s words and will them to be true. No one wanted diabetes, but there was treatment she could have to stabilise her insulin. To her disappointment the tests for diabetes had come back negative, and her confusion couldn’t be blamed on another UTI either. Her blood pressure was low, which could explain the dizziness, the headaches, and possibly even some of the confusion. But she couldn’t pin her hopes on it being that simple, not with the other symptoms she’d had: the desperate low mood, the loss of interest in eating and a lethargy that felt all consuming at times, like life was just too much. She’d watched her mother experience those same feelings when her illness had started to progress. It didn’t matter how often Meg or any of the other medical staff tried to reassure her that her symptoms didn’t fit a diagnosis of aphasia, she could feel it in her gut. In meant that despite her exhaustion she couldn’t sleep, because the results of the tests could come at any time.

‘Come back to bed.’ Barry’s voice was gentle but firm as he came into the living room, where she lay on the sofa, staring into the darkness, as she had been for the past couple of hours.

‘There’s no point, I’ll just end up lying there awake and that will disturb you.’ Gwen hated nighttime lately, the endless hours of darkness when the fear crept in, and nothing could shake it. There’d been a time not so long ago when she’d have happily gone back to bed just to be with Barry, even if she was struggling to sleep, but now the night felt like her enemy.

‘You could just come up and have a cuddle. Sitting here on your own worrying won’t solve anything.’ When she didn’t move, Barry crossed the room and joined her on the sofa, taking hold of her hand. ‘Whatever happens, whatever all of this is, you don’t have to face any of it on your own. We’ve always been side by side, and that’s not going to change.’

Gwen didn’t answer for a moment. The clarity of her thinking seemed to come and go, which was part of the torture. She could convince herself for a little while that she was okay, but then there’d be another incident where she couldn’t coordinate her thoughts with her speech. Right now, Gwen knew exactly what she wanted to say and when she finally started to speak, her mouth seemed willing to comply for once. ‘I don’t want you to have to be there when I stop being me. I don’t want to put you through that.’

‘You’ll never stop being you, not to me. And there’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind about staying by your side until one of us shuffles off this mortal coil. I’m not going anywhere and, if you’re not coming back to bed, I’m staying here with you.’

Gwen’s response was so quiet that if Barry hadn’t sat down beside her, he might not have heard it. ‘I’ve been so lucky with the life we’ve had, and I can’t complain if that luck runs out, but I really don’t want it to.’

‘Neither do I, but I wouldn’t trade a day of the life we’ve had for anything. No matter what.’ Barry pulled her towards him and Gwen rested her head on his shoulder. She didn’t want to be facing any of this, and she was still terrified, but if she had to go through it she was so grateful it was with Barry. He’d always loved her unconditionally and she knew he meant what he said, because if the situation had been reversed she’d have felt exactly the same.

* * *

Amy and Lijah had been openly ‘back together’ for a grand total of thirty-six hours before the first photographs of them holding hands had appeared online. Lijah had tried to keep things low key and to protect his identity since he came home, but someone who’d witnessed the accident had leaked the fact that he’d been involved in helping Ellen, and there’d been even more press sniffing around after that. It meant a photographer was there when Amy and Lijah had gone out walking with Monty, on one of his first short walks. The vet had suggested getting a pet pushchair, so that the little dog didn’t overdo it, and they’d pushed Monty down to the beach and then let him out for a little while when they got there. Neither of them had noticed the photographer lurking in the distance, snapping shots of them. The weather was getting warmer, and Lijah hadn’t been wearing a hat, his joy at Amy finally being willing to give things a proper go making him drop his guard more than he should have done. He hadn’t wanted to play into the fears she’d expressed by acting like a paranoid celebrity, but he should have known the risk he was taking. His reticence had given the press the perfect opportunity to capture candid moments between the two of them, the headlines that accompanied the pictures as salacious as possible, to guarantee the maximum number of clicks on the article.

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