Page 9 of Lessons in Love at the Cornish Country Hospital

‘No you’re not, it’s obvious you’re a loving father and that’s what kids need more than anything. The only parents who don’t doubt whether they’re doing a good job are the ones who don’t care.’ It was a conversation Danni had had with Aidan several times in the past few months, after he’d made the decision to use a surrogate to start a family with his husband, Jase. Aidan had harboured a fear that he’d repeat the mistakes his father had made with him, but she’d told him that nothing could be less likely, and that he and Jase were born to be fathers. Shehad no doubt they’d do an amazing job, not least because they knew better than most what not to do. The weird thing was, it was much harder to tell herself that her relationship with her own mother had nothing to do with how good a parent she might be. She wasn’t worried about not loving the baby, because he already meant the world to her. And, deep down, she knew she had what it took to be a very different kind of mother to the one her mum had been. What scared her most was the idea that the baby might not love her back. She’d have dreams where her son refused to come to her, and screamed until he was given to Charlie; that nothing she did could comfort the baby she already loved with her whole heart. She tried to tell herself it was just the usual pregnancy anxiety, but the fear of rejection still dogged her dreams and clouded her thoughts in the rare quiet moments of the day. Knowing that Aidan shared some of the fears because of his own childhood had helped a little bit, but at least Aidan’s dad had cared enough to have an opinion. Danni’s mum Nicola had always been completely indifferent to anything Danni did and somehow that felt even worse.

‘If anything had happened to Mia, I couldn’t carry on. I didn’t know it was possible to love anyone like I love her.’ Matt shook his head. ‘I love Hailey too, but I’d die for Mia. The most important thing in life is for me to protect her. I nearly messed that up in a way that can’t be undone.’

‘But you didn’t.’ Danni held his gaze, wanting to tell Matt she understood his fears more than he knew. She’d been monitored a couple of times for low foetal movements, because unless she could feel her baby moving, the fear that he might somehow be taken away from her became overwhelming. She’d known both times that it had probably been down to busy shifts making the movement feel less noticeable, and that eating something sugary would probably ‘wake him up’. But as soon as she’d got it into her head that his movements might have slowed down,she hadn’t been able to just wait and see. Instead, she’d gone straight to maternity to ask to be monitored. Both times the baby had begun performing what felt like a Cirque du Soleil routine the moment the monitors had been attached, with movements so visible that it looked like he was trying to fight his way out. If the midwives had thought she was wasting their time, they didn’t say so. They’d been incredibly kind and reassuring, but Danni still hadn’t been able to relax and enjoy the pregnancy the way she so desperately wanted to. In the end she’d accepted it wouldn’t be until she held the baby in her arms, and was able to see for herself he was okay, that she’d finally be able to shake off the sensation that something awful was going to happen. Except looking at Matt now, she had a horrible feeling she might never be able to truly shake that sense of dread, and that one of the costs of parenthood was the worry that inevitably came with loving a child as fiercely as Matt loved his daughter.

‘Hailey’s always telling me I fuss too much, but I’m going to want to wrap Mia up in cotton wool more than ever now.’

‘It’s scary but you’ve got to let her take enough risks to be able to enjoy her life.’ Danni felt like the biggest fraud in the world spouting off advice, when the thought of getting things wrong with her own child had kept her awake as often as it had during her pregnancy. That was the thing about being a medic: it made her very good at telling other people what they should be doing, even when following that same advice didn’t always come easily.

‘I know you’re right and she’s such a great kid, with a real sense of adventure. She makes me laugh every day at the things she comes out with.’ Matt smiled for the first time. ‘I’m just so grateful to you all, and especially to Gary. I really hope he’s going to be okay.’

‘I’m going to go and get an update on his scan results now, so hopefully I can give you some reassurance. Although, knowing Gary, he’ll want to do that himself. The last thing he’d want isyou beating yourself up for the accident. I’ll come and find you as soon as I can, but for now there’s a little girl who needs her daddy’s help to pick out the best colour plaster cast.’

‘Thank you.’ Matt repeated the words of gratitude before heading back towards his daughter, and Danni rested a hand on her bump to connect with her son in the only way she could for now. The fear might never go away completely, but she had to believe it would ease when she finally met him, and she couldn’t wait for that day to come.

Wendy hadn’t left Gary’s side since he’d got back from the scan. He was still feeling nauseous, but the terrifying confusion that seemed to have descended on him like a blanket of fog, appeared to be lifting.

‘Everything still feels a bit fuzzy. I remember the bike knocking me backwards and hitting the floor, but I don’t remember what happened after that very clearly.’

‘Don’t worry. Danni said it’s probably just concussion, but we’ll know more once we have the results of the scan.’ Wendy hoped she sounded more confident than she felt. Seeing Gary the way she had, unable to string a coherent sentence together, had terrified her.

‘Did I hear someone mention my name?’ Danni suddenly appeared at the end of Gary’s bed.

‘I was just telling Gary not to worry and that the scans will tell us more.’ Wendy was still trying to keep the wobble out of her voice, but her shoulders relaxed just a tiny bit when Danni smiled.

‘You should think about a change of career, and you’re absolutely right.’ Danni moved closer to the head of Gary’s bed.‘I’ve seen the scans and there is a fracture to your skull, but it’s a linear break, which means the bone hasn’t moved and there’s no need for surgery. Just some painkillers and rest, and you should be back to normal in no time.’

‘Don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being normal before!’ The return of Gary’s sense of humour lifted the final weight off Wendy’s shoulders, and she could have kissed Danni. As it was, she kissed Gary instead, but on the shoulder; she wasn’t risking going anywhere near the huge purple bruise on the side of his head.

‘I’m going to give you a prescription for some slightly stronger painkillers to see you through the first few days, but I want to speak to Zahir about whether we should keep you in for observation overnight.’

‘Thank you.’ Wendy blew Danni the kiss she’d wanted to give her, and the younger woman smiled.

‘My pleasure, but we don’t want you pulling any more antics like that, Gary; we need your superhero skills in nursing, and we can’t afford to lose any more good staff. But make sure you take it easy and get properly better before you even think about coming back to work.’ Danni wagged her finger at him, before turning away and leaving the two of them alone.

‘You need to listen to doctor’s orders and, if you ever scare me like that again, your injuries will be the least of your worries.’ Wendy gave Gary a look that let him know she meant every word. It was still hard to articulate just how much he meant to her; it made her vulnerable in a way she’d been scared to be since discovering Mike had cheated on her. But her feelings for Gary made her vulnerable anyway, so it was futile trying to protect herself, when it was already far too late.

‘I think we should get married.’ Gary grabbed hold of her hand, and she wasn’t sure she’d heard him right. They’d never talked about the prospect of getting married before; she’dassumed he’d never want to go through it again after some of the things he’d said about his first marriage. So she’d never even thought howshemight feel about it. When she’d married Mike, and had promised until death did they part, the words had meant the world to her, although clearly not to him. As for forsaking all others, she doubted now whether he’d even kept that particular promise until their first anniversary. Gary must still be dazed and confused to blurt out a suggestion like that.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘There was a time today when nothing made sense, but then I realised you were there next to me, and everything suddenly became clear. I don’t want to lose you a second time, and getting married is the only way I can think of to show you that I’m in this for life.’

‘I think that might be the concussion talking.’ Wendy still wasn’t sure whether or not she wanted that to be true. She loved Gary and she wanted to grow old with him, there was no question about that. But she wanted him to choose her every day, because he felt the same way, not just because she was wearing a ring he’d given her. She was almost certain Mike would have left sooner if they hadn’t been tied together by both their children and a legally binding agreement, which meant he’d have to hand over half of his assets. She wanted to be Gary’s choice, not his obligation, and yet part of her liked the idea of being his wife more than she could admit, even to herself. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel rejected, but she could buy them both a bit of time to think. ‘Let’s wait until you’re fully recovered and see how you feel then.’

‘I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve loved you since I was fourteen and I promised myself I wouldn’t let you go a second time.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Wendy squeezed his hand, hoping he knew just how much he meant to her. She’d never for onesecond doubted her feelings for him, but she wasn’t sure she’d ever fully trust his feelings for her, after what Mike had put her through. It was just one more thing her ex-husband had robbed her of, and she hated the bitterness that had left her with. Mike wasn’t worth it, and he’d moved on without a backward glance. She wished she could stop looking back at the life she used to have and focus instead on the promised future that was opening up ahead of her, but sometimes hurt was so deep-rooted it seemed impossible to weed it out altogether.

6

Danni had fallen in love with Castaway Cottage when she was very young, after spending holidays there as a child, back when her father had still been alive and they’d been a ‘normal’ family. Her mother had always been at least partly absent, despite her physical presence, her mind often elsewhere – where she’d almost certainly wanted to be too. Nicola had never been cut out to be a parent, but Danni’s father had done a pretty good job of shielding his children from that while he was alive. Once he was no longer around, Nicola’s disinterest had been painfully obvious. Over the years, Danni had often thought about asking her mother why she’d ever decided to have children. It must have been what her father had wanted, and Nicola had simply gone along with it because she wanted to be with him. It had probably never crossed her mind that she might be left to raise her children alone and sending them to boarding school must have been the only solution she could come up with to cope.

Danni’s experiences meant that she had thought about what she might do if she was left to raise a child alone, or if Charlie was, and she’d forced him to discuss it before they’d startedtrying for a baby, even though it was clear he’d rather talk about almost anything else.

‘Please, Dan. I don’t even want to think about something like that happening.’ He’d pulled her close to him and stroked her hair. It would have been so easy just to lie in his arms and forget that bad things sometimes happened, but she’d needed to know they were on the same page before they started on the most important journey they’d ever embark upon.

‘I know you don’t.’ She’d held his gaze, until he’d finally nodded. Understanding why she had to talk about this so badly. It was so important to her to know that any child she had would be loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly, even if something terrible did happen. She knew Charlie would never send a child away. He was going to be an amazing dad, but there were still things they needed to discuss. Danni wouldn’t expect Charlie to stay on his own for the rest of his life, if she died, but she had to hear from him that any decisions he made would put their child before his future relationship. She knew what she expected him to say – that their child would always come first, no matter what – but she had to be certain and she needed to hear those things from him. It was only once they’d talked it all through that she was ready to try for the baby they both desperately wanted, and who she was praying would have both parents around for a very long time.

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