Page 42 of Across the Universe

“You want to be in the capsule, obviously?”

“Without question. It’s the next stepping stone on the path to being chosen for a moonshot.”

“Then what do we need to do in order to get you focused and ready to be competitive for this and all future missions?”

Bill is taken aback; he always comes to Dr. Sheinbaum’s office expecting her to tellhimwhat he needs to work on.

“I need to make sure I have my head on straight,” Bill says, hoping that this is a focused enough answer for her.

Dr. Sheinbaum nods slowly. “Okay. So that means we need to minimize any episodes that leave you feeling like you need to self-isolate, correct?”

Bill clears his throat. “Right.” It hasn’t happened in a while—at least not to the capacity that he’s experienced in the past—but Bill does occasionally feel the panic rising in him that indicates an oncoming loss of his faculties. He’s been able to breathe through most of them with the tools Dr. Sheinbaum has given him, and he tells her this now.

“That’s wonderful, Bill,” she says softly. “It really is. Keep doing that. If something comes on and catches you off-guard, stop, breathe, try to get through it with rational thoughts. Write things down. And most definitely bring those thoughts to me here—we can always discuss them. Now, what else?”

Bill’s chest tightens as he realizes she’s asking for more specific things he needs to work on. “I need to listen to Jo and the kids and to really engage with them, not just for their benefit, but for my own. Being part of a family is a responsibility to myself and to them—knowing them is a privilege and I need to honor it,” he says, feeling like he’s parroting back to her the things she’s taught him. None of them are wrong, per se, but he never would have thought these things up for himself as he goes about his busy life and pursues his career goals.

“But it needs to be authentic, Bill,” Dr. Sheinbaum says, staring him in the eye. “People can sense b.s., and your family will pick up on it faster than anyone. Go into those interactions with intention and real curiosity.” She pauses. “Now, what about Jeanie—the woman at work? Where does that stand?”

Bill swallows, hoping that his Adam’s Apple doesn’t bob noticeably. “We’ve spoken. We agreed that we needed to stop… whatever interest we might have in one another.”

“Easier said than done,” Dr. Sheinbaum says. It’s not a question.

“Yes, easier said than done,” Bill agrees. “I’m keeping my distance, but as you know… I kissed her. It’s been over a year, but it happened.”

Dr. Sheinbaum does not react. She sits and waits for more.

“You weren’t totally clear the first time we discussed this. You kissed her, or she kissed you?”

Bill recalls the moment in the stairwell. “It was mutual.”

“Okay. And what now?”

“I don’t do it again?”

“Is that a question?” she asks with a laugh. “Because that’s not something I can decide for you.”

“Let me phrase it as a statement then: I don’t do it again.”

Dr. Sheinbaum shrugs. “Okay. I’m here to talk you through things, Bill. To help you see yourself and the people closest to you in a way that encourages you to grow as a person. I’m not here to make prescriptions for the ultimate path your life takes.”

“I kind of wish you were,” Bill says, cracking a smile. God, that would make his life so much easier if she would just tell him that he’s never to speak to Jeanie Florence again.

“That would make life easy and wonderful if we all had someone who held us accountable and made our decisions for us, wouldn’t it? Someone we could blame when it all fell apart.”

“I don’t want it to fall apart,” Bill says huskily, realizing the implication of his life cracking in half. “I don’t.”

“You’re a smart man, Bill Booker. If you want your life to stay on track, then you know what you need to do. And if you lose your way and want me to lay out some worst-case scenarios for you, then I’m happy to do that.”

Bill closes his eyes for a long moment, imagining the ways his life could disintegrate around him. “No,” he finally says, opening his eyes and looking right at her. “I think I can envision that on my own.”

“Good. Then I’ll see you next week. Same time?”

Bill stands and gives her a tiny salute. “Next week, Dr. Sheinbaum.”

* * *

The men are all suited up and standing in the cavernous room at Cape Kennedy. Bill is standing with Todd and Vance, and the three men are holding paper cups of coffee as they talk quietly over the finer points of the mission.

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