Page 76 of Riptide

It’s strange how something can hurt and heal at the same time. How a little bar of wax can punch a hole in your ribs and fill it in the same breath. I run my thumb along the edge of the wax as tears prick my eyes. “I miss you, dude,” I whisper. My voice cracks, but I say it anyway.

Streaks of tears stain my face as I sit in the darkness of my bedroom, and I just exist in this feeling, the loss, the hurt, and it’s the first time I’ve been able to do this alone.

Grief isn’t something you fix. It’s something you carry, and sometimes, it carries you.

Right now, as I set the wax on my nightstand, I don’t feel okay, but I feel steady.

And when I think about Jared, for once, I don’t feel like I’m breaking. I just feel close to him.

Chapter thirty-two

Foxx

Istaredownatthe duffel bag on my coffee table. Sunscreen. Towels. Toothbrush. Change of clothes. But somehow, it feels like I’m going to pack something that will fuck this up. Regret floods my senses like ice-cold water.

“What if he’s spent all night thinking of a way to walk this back? What if I made him feel cornered?” But one particular thought, that I don’t voice, really makes me second guess everything… What if this makes him call it quits on this thing we have? I grip the handles of the bag a little tighter than I need to, letting the material bite at my skin as I look over at Eugene and Poppy sitting on my couch. “What if this is a huge mistake?”

That thought settles like a rock in my chest. It makes everything seem fragile. Like I’ve crossed a boundary I didn’t see until it was too late. Like I let myself want too much, too soon. Somewhere along the way, he became important. More than just a good time or a warm bed, and I don’t know how I’d feel if things ended now because of this.

“What if it isn’t?” he counters, but it doesn’t soothe the anxiety.

“I pushed him about coming to the beach,” I say. “It might’ve been your idea, but the second I brought it up again, I knew… He didn’t shut down, but he tensed. I have no idea if this is the most reckless thing I could do with him, or the best thing.”

I hesitate, then say it out loud because it’s not just the trip eating me alive.

“And I still don’t know if I should even be doing this at all with him. I should know better, and even if I wasn’t his professor, I’m the adult in the room.”

Eugene doesn’t flinch. “He’s very much an adult too, Foxx.”

“But are the lines so blurred that I’ve talked myself into something with someone I shouldn’t be with? He’s got his whole life ahead of him.”

“So you do. Listen, you’re allowed to care about that,” he starts. “Means your compass still works. But don’t confuse your guilt with clarity. You’re not old, Foxx, trust me.” He snorts an unimpressed sound. “If you’re asking me, this doesn’t look like sabotage, it looks like hope.”

I blink at that. “Hope?”

“I think you’re terrified,” he says, as though it’s the same thing. “But I also think it’s been a long damn time since someone mattered enough for you to be.”

I drop my head into my hands and sink onto the seat next to him.

“Foxx.” Eugene puts his hand on my shoulder. “He makes you look up again. That’s gotta mean something.”

With my mind swirling, I scrub a hand over my jaw. Is he right? I feel alive around Finn. I feel cared for, and maybe the last time I felt that… “Sometimes I think I’m waiting for the moment it all implodes. Someone catches us and reports us. He finds something better and moves on. He realizes he can’tbe with someone older than him. Maybe I don’t get to have something like this.”

“Bullshit.” Eugene laughs. “I’m sorry, butbull…shit my friend.”

My head snaps to him, a hundred questions on my tongue dissolving the longer I stay silent because his laugh has thrown me.

“Why can’t you just let yourself enjoy what you have when you have it?” he asks, and I immediately know he’s right. “I’m going to say this once, whether you’re ready for it or not.” He stands to tower over me. “Teach him what it’s like when someone stays. It looks like you both need it.”

He holds my gaze, steady as ever. Then he nods once and starts toward the door. Poppy jumps down from the couch and trots after him with a flick of her tail.

Eugene pauses with his hand on the doorknob. “Don’t let your fear talk you out of something good. Especially when it’s already yours, kid.”

As the door clicks shut behind them, the apartment feels too quiet all of a sudden. I exhale and zip the bag closed, letting his words wash over me.Teach him what it’s like when someone stays.

So, once I’ve taken a breath, I finish packing, grab my keys, and head out to pick him up.

Finn made his way to Daphne and Hudson’s place this morning to wait for me, so when I arrive around twenty minutes later, he’s outside, wearing baggy cargo pants, an oversized grey sweater, and most importantly, a smile that I feel all the way down to my toes.

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