Page 14 of Riptide

Myphonevibratesinmy hand as Finn’s last message flashes across the screen. A picture of him. With his blond messy hair sticking up all over the place, he’s casually topless, showcasing a tan, lean and firm body that he clearly works hard for. I’m so entranced, I barely read the message tagged with it.

Finn

So when are we meeting up? I’m way more of a hands-on guy.

I exhale, pressing my tongue against my molars, my grip tightening around my phone.

Hesitation ripples through my subconscious like a wave, taking over my mind. I should probably let this go. Say I’m busy. Make an excuse. It wouldn’t even have to be a good one; I could say I have work to do, or some vague, responsible adult-sounding obligation that would make this conversation disappear before it turns into something real. But I realize something… I don’t want to. There’s something keeping mehere. I thought it was the thrill of doing something new, and possibly terrifying, but no, it’s him. He’s funny and confident and…exactly what I might need in my immediate future.

I stare at the screen, at his picture, at that ridiculous level of charm radiating off a handful of texts and wonder if he’s always this way. It’s attractive, don’t get me wrong, and it speaks to something deep in my psyche that I haven’t let out in a long time.

The part of me that’s used to relationships almost wants to get to know him more, but that isn’t what this is. We’re both on this app to scratch an itch. If this goes anywhere, it’s a distraction. A one-night thing. A decision that will end with nothing more than sore muscles, temporary relief, and an app message thread I’ll probably never use again.

I used to be the kind of person who said yes to things without thinking twice. I was secure in my marriage, so I liked to take risks with the one person I felt safe with. Now, as my very friendly neighbor pointed out, my entire personality has become math teacher and how I exercise intense control in my life. Somewhere along the loneliness and the day-to-day routines, I’ve lost something about myself, and I want it back. It’s been a long time since I felt like the old me.

Shifting in my seat, I run my tongue over my teeth.

The last time I let someone see me so intimately, it wasn’t like this. It wasn’t casual. It wasn’t a hookup app. It was the slow, steady kind of thing that started as friendship and became everything else before I even realized it had happened. Ryan was my world, and then he wasn’t.

We married young. Too young, probably. But when you’re eighteen and someone makes you feel like you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your own, you say yes. You believe in things like permanence.

And then, a few years later, when it falls apart because one of you made a decision to remove the fidelity part of your relationship, you tell yourself you won’t make that mistake again. You tell yourself no more risks. No more things that can leave you stranded. I created a barrier around myself that rarely meant coloring outside the lines; I see that now.

And yet…Finn feels like he’s never colored within the lines, and I like that.

I drag a hand down my face, my thumb tapping against the side of my phone.

Maybe because everything here is so temporary, that’s why I feel a pull to Finn. I don’t want permanence, and neither does he. I just want to feel something else, that fire that burns in my belly when desire strikes.

Before I can second guess myself, I type…

Foxx

Do you know Aurora Valley? There’s a bar there called The Den.

That’s all I give for now, because this gives him the opportunity to back out, to tell me he’s changed his mind.

Finn

Should I be worried you want to meet at a bar I’ve never been to in a place I’ve never heard of?

I laugh at that. Aurora Valley is right at the edge of my radius I set for the app. In fact, it’s probably a little outside of it, but it’s a quieter town, so I’m less likely to bump into students or faculty.

Foxx

Probably, but that depends how adventurous you’re feeling. Plus, it’s just a bar. There’s a website and everything if you need to vet it.

I’m goading him a little, because I don’t think he’d back down at all, and maybe I need to hear him say that.

Finn

You’ll have to look the other way when I use my fake ID to get in. Is that going to be a problem?

Shit. I’d briefly forgotten how much younger he is than me.

I slip out of our message thread and double check his profile. Nine years isn’t an impossible gap, but it still makes me pause. It’s not the number that gets me, exactly. It’s what it implies. Twenty means he’s still figuring things out. Twenty means he has time to make mistakes, to change paths, to be reckless without consequences. But it’s also the perfect age to have fun, and that’s exactly what I need.

Finn

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