Page 18 of The Bad Mother's Diary
Managed a few minutes on my own, before collapsing red-faced and panting against our neighbours’ railings.
Perhaps it would be better if I lose weight first. If I diet, then I’ll be lighter and running will be a lot easier.
I’m going to do a total fascist starvation routine and lose weight uber-quickly.
Soup for tea.
And tomorrow I’m going to do a juice fast. Only fruit and vegetable juice.
Monday February 2nd
Woke up with a runny nose and sore throat.
Stupid to diet when you’re ill.
Had three rounds of buttered toast and a big mug of hot chocolate.
Tuesday February 3rd
Despite all my hard work, I haven’t lost ANY weight!
I am very disheartened. Phoned Laura and she gave me the nice big sister talk. ‘Don’t worry. You’re doing great. Don’t give up.’
Then I phoned Sadie. She told me I was naturally large. ‘Look at your mother,’ she said. ‘It runs in the family.’
Felt very depressed.
Althea wasn’t picking up her phone, so I called Brandi.
She said, ‘Look, moaning gets you nowhere. Why don’t you come to my pole dancing class and get fit?’
I told her that the idea of me dancing around a pole, right now, makes me think of an elephant in fishnet stockings.
But Brandi promised I definitely wouldn’t be the fattest one there.
Wednesday February 4th
POLE DANCING!!!!!
What was I thinking?
I definitely WAS the heaviest. The mega-fat pole dancer Brandi promised me didn’t show up. If she ever really existed.
The instructor was a bright orange girl with muscles on every part of her body. She drank two bottles of Lucozade, then bounced and jiggled non-stop for a full hour. She was like a blurry line.
‘And step, step, spin, squat, LEGS!, spin, drop – HAIR FLICK! Curly girl (that was me), watch the skinny one (that was Brandi).’
When it was over, my muscles ached so badly I could hardly get my coat on.
Brandi bounced along beside me talking about how energised she felt and saying we should get a drink.
I said I couldn’t because of Daisy.
Brandi looked all confused and said, ‘But isn’t Mum looking after her?’
I said, ‘Yes, but Daisy might wake up.’
Brandi said, ‘So? Mum will handle it.’
