Page 21 of The Protégé

ORION

The next day,I walked around my office like a fool, trying to shrug Elena out of my mind. Irritation still clung to me after waking up from an erotic dream about her. I had just finished a conference call with my team, but I could still sense herpresence as though she were right beside me. Even her floral perfume scent stirred in my office.

She was like a cunning thief stealing my sanity, time, and energy.

I stopped at my desk and stared at her reply to my email, wondering what she was doing. I should work on the drone prototype, see the status of the software development, check in on the construction of the building on my island, as well as countless other projects on my to-do list. Not to mention I hadn’t worked on Level Six for a few weeks because there hadn’t been time.

No, I just didn’t have energy. Or was it motivation?

You’re sex deprived.

Needing to calm my mind, I stepped onto my furnished balcony and took in a big inhale of the late August air. The lowhumidity offered comfort for my body. I could tell it was on edge where a trigger could start a panic attack.

Over the years I’d learned how to read my body and knew what I needed. The anxiolytics never worked because my mind knew what they were trying to do.

I paced the balcony, trying to empty my thoughts, but the stress had seeped into my bones, my muscles. There was a lot on my plate, but that was my fault for taking on too many things. I dropped to the lounge chair and settled back.

As I breathed, I saw the faces of my loved ones. Over the years I’d come to understand this monster inside me. It had grown with the death of each person I loved.Their presence had been the barrier between me and the monster. When they died, a part of me went with them.

My mother’s death took a huge chunk from my heart. Then Kate’s death took another portion. I reached for the ring dangling from my necklace. We were supposed to get married, but she lost the battle with the darkness in her. I couldn’t help her. Now, with The Condor’s death, I felt like there was nothing left in my heart.

Sadness, anger, and the feeling that the world was crumbling around me.

You’re the strongest boy I know, Orion. You’re the hunter in the sky, and you can achieve anything.

My mother’s words echoed in my head.

Pain teaches us compassion.

Kate used to tell me that all the time. She had been my best friend. We were similar in so many ways, and I missed her.

An extraordinary person has to overcome extraordinary obstacles. I admire your strength.

The Condor had told me that once. Even though he probably said that to encourage me, I had tucked his words away for days like today.

To the outside world, I appeared like a powerful man who had everything under control. Most days, that was true. But some days, the battle with this internal monster seemed insurmountable. Its claws were too big.I didn’t have any weapons against it. It consumed me, making me vulnerable, and I hated it. As an adult, I should have the strength to overcome it. And yet I still struggled with it.

I’ll destroy you.

The internal war had gone on for too long. I blamed my father for the pressure he’d put on me since I was born. It was as though he had a to-do list for me the second I entered this world.

Be the best at everything. Carry on my legacy. Make me proud.

As a vulnerable child, I didn’t have a choice but to follow those rules. He had planted the darkness in me. My childhood wasn’t like the other kids who had free time or enjoyed normal vacations. My vacation had tutors for math, science, philosophy, art, fencing, Krav Maga,and other topics that ensured I became the best at everything. I was a bird trapped in a luxurious cage with all the bells and whistles. But those bells and whistles became my nightmare.

I had listened to my father until it broke me one day.

I stumble into my mom’s home office, tryingto call for her, but nothing comes out of my mouth.

The muscles in my throat tighten as my heart races. My body grows hot, and I’m trembling.

Mom senses me, looks up from her desk, and rushes over. “Oh my God, Orion!”

I collapse onto the floor. The science book in my hand thuds next to me. My body quivers uncontrollably as I look up at the blurry ceiling.

Mom gathers me up. “Look at me, baby. Breathe in and out.”

I’m so mad at myself for not being stronger. For not being able to fight this panic attack.

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