Page 97 of Between Passion and Revenge: Part One

I nod because I don’t have words to say.

After a deep breath, he says, “Do you know why I’m so hard on you, baby girl?”

That direct question shakes me, and I clear my throat. “It’s because you know the world is hard and you want me to be better.”

He scrutinizes me before clicking his tongue and releasing a humorless chuckle.

“That’s part of it. Maybe most of it.” He leans against the doorjamb, rubbing his thumb against his bottom lip while staring at the lush carpet between us.

“The other part of it is about me and your mama.” I tilt my head to the side, confused.

“Your mama had a whole career ahead of her. She’d graduated from a fancy college and was the first Black woman in her program. She moved up here for a fancy job, and I had just finished school at UIUC for civil engineering.”

“Yeah,” I say. “You went there with Daddy Solomon.”

He smiles, but it’s sad.

“Right,” he replies.

“Wait,” I say, asking the obvious. “Civil engineering. You didn’t want to be a pastor?”

Daddy laughs in a small huff. “Not at all, baby girl.”

The words surprise me. I didn’t know this.

“What happened?”

His smile widens, and it’s a genuine expression. Happiness radiates from him, and it’s like seeing him in the pulpit again.

“Your mama and I…well, we were gonna wait until marriage, which was gonna be after I finished my master’s program and started working in the field. But then….”

A palpable ball of tension, sadness, drops into the room.

“You are our whole world, Shae, and there’s nothing on this planet that would make me regret you.”

I stop breathing, beginning to see where he’s going and feeling heartbroken, nonetheless.

“Your mama gave up her career to stay at home. That was a decision she—we—made. But it was the only decision wecouldmake at the time. I had to switch things up, work a few jobs to make ends meet. There wouldn’t have been enough money on a student stipend to support a family. Later, I went to seminary, and I loved being a pastor. I think God called me to ministry for a reason, but….”

Daddy rubs the back of his neck, and for once, he looks unsure.

“I don’t want you to be trapped, Shae. I want you to have all the options in the world and for you to make decisions because it’s whatyouwant to do, not what you’re being forced to do.”

He stands up, straightening his spine in contrast to the heaviness of his monologue. I don’t think he even recognizes the irony in his last statement.

“I gave up my dreams, Shae, because I didn’t have the choice. And I just want to make sure you always have the choice. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

And with those words, I do understand his message…and his hypocrisy. It’s not just that he wants me to be the best because that’s what he expects. He wants me to be the best because that’s what he and Mama gave up, and being the best will allow me to live, to be safe, within Bronzeville and outside of it.

I get it. I really do get it.

“I understand, Daddy. And thank you for telling me this. But I don’t want you to worry because there’s nothing more important than my studies right now. The rest of…everything else can wait.” Even though I deliver the words with a smile, they taste bitter on my tongue.

I feel his relief when he blows out a big breath, his smile relaxed for the first time today.

“Great, baby girl. Just great.” He walks over and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

“You’ve got this,” he says. “Call me if you need anything.”

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