Page 64 of What I Should Have Felt

“I just wanted to protect my daughter! I wasn’t about to let her become some trailer parkwhorefor the likes of you!” her mother hissed.

Red blinded my eyes, and I lunged forward. How dare she call Colette a whore. Fuck the fact this was a woman and my elder. Fuck the respect I’d been taught to give to anyone older than me, especially women. This bitch didn’t deserve it for calling herdaughter—

“FORD!” Colette screamed, jumping between her mom and me.

And from the kitchen came my mawmaw with her wooden spoon raised. The paddle crashed against Colette’s mother’s side.

Pausing my assault, I wrapped my arms around Colette instead and held her. Every inch of my skin against her body leaked the rage that coursed in my veins. I needed some grounding. Soaking in her warmth and the smoothness of her skin beneath my palms, I stared at the woman who had nearly destroyed my life for the selfishness of her own.

Colette’s mother spun around just as my mawmaw raised the wooden ladle again. She shook her head, and that was all Mawmaw needed to do to get Colette’s mom to back down.

“Someone tell me what is going on,” Colette whispered, pulling my attention back to her. She didn’t wriggle out of my hold. She didn’t fight my touch as I tightened my trembling hands around her arms.

I closed my eyes and dropped my nose into her hair. “This isn’t how I wanted to do this,” I quietly answered, swallowing the killer I’d chosen to become.

“Please,” she gently begged.

I took a deep inhale of her cinnamon scent, letting it coat every fiber of my being, and then stepped back. “High school graduation. We’d just finished the ceremony, and my parents headed to the restaurant while I went home to change for the party that night,” I began.

“Don’t,” her mother hissed.

Colette spun around; with her jaw trembling, she curled her lip up in disgust. “You called me a trailer park whore, so you’re going to be quiet, because clearly the only person who’s even attempting to tell me the truth is Ford.”

Her mom stumbled back against her father but remained silent. Colette turned back to me and gestured for me to continue.

“Your mom and dad stopped me, brandished a knife, and told me that if I didn’t disappear, that they’d burn my parents’ restaurant down, kill me, and make sure you were never able to go to college.” Sliding my thumb over the small scar against my jaw, I gave Colette a tight smile. With the lid removed, everything I’d held to my chest for all these years poured out like a never-ending waterfall. “That’s where I got this. I’m sorry, Cher, but I wasn’t going to be the reason that you never became a doctor like you always talked about. I couldn’t see my parents’ livelihood destroyed. I felt like you and they were safer with me gone than around. And for all their wrongdoing, I couldn’t see your parents end up in prison for any of that.”

Her brows tightened as tears welled up in her eyes. “No. No. You left. You chose to leave. They told me—” Her voice broke as she shook her head in denial.

“It’s okay, baby,” I whispered. I’d carried this secret for fifteen years, and I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to believe her parents were capable of something like that.

“They said—” She attempted to speak again but couldn’t.

I reached forward, but she shrank away from my extended touch, so I dropped my hand and continued. “So, I packed a duffel, got in that old pick-up my dad and I built together, and drove. I honestly wasn’t sure where I was going, but I left. I didn’t know, though, Colette. I didn’t know you were pregnant, and when I returned four years later because I finallyfelt like I could protect you and my parents better being here, I saw you happy with your husband.” I paused and swallowed as the memory of her smiling at Liam flashed in my mind.

“You looked so happy, Cher,” I softly choked out.

A soft gasp shivered from her lips, and she wrapped her arms around her body. I wanted to be the arms wrapped around her, but I knew at that moment she needed space to hear what I was saying and then time to process it.

“It definitely wasn’t the closure I wanted, but it was closure for me because all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy. The way you looked at him reminded me of…of how you used to look at me, so I checked on my parents and saw that business was good. Plus, since Liam wasn’t someone we’d grown up with, I knew you’d been to college, and so I left. Unlike the first time, though, I knew I would never come back.” I studied her as silent tears streamed down her cheeks.

“How long have you known about…Azelie being yours?” she whispered.

“I figured out that Azelie was mine when you sent me to pick her up the first time. She asked about my eyes and showed me hers. Plus, basic math. But I didn’t know Liam passed until I came home and decided to visit Pawpaw’s grave and I saw Liam’s headstone. I thought you’d been happily married all this time or…” I exhaled deeply, unable to finish the sentence.

“I’m so sorry, Colette. For it all,” I quietly added.

“This entire time you’ve been trying to confront me about knowing Azelie is… is your daughter. That you knew I was married, that you knew Ikept Azelie from you, and yet you still care for me?” Her entire body trembled, and all I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms, but I needed her to open up to me on her own.

“I’ve never stopped loving you. I just… I just want to understand why you didn’t tell me you were pregnant. Why you never called to let me know after I left? That’s all. I just needed to hear it from you that she really is mine,” I said.

Colette’s disbelief and tenderness abruptly twisted. Rage tensed her figure as she spun around and glared at her parents. “How could you? You told me he left with some girl he’d fallen in love with. That he chose someone else over me. That he cheated and couldn’t face me to tell me the truth! I can’t believe I never connected why you made sure that Azelie never got too close to his parents or Mawmaw. You convinced me to support that stupid fucking colored contact lens, because of bullying when in reality you were hiding Azelie from Ford and his entire family. Because he never even knew! You-You-You told me he fell in love with another woman, so I told you that was impossible and I was pregnant withhisbaby as proof. I believed he’d come back for such a long time because I just knew that wasn’t true, but this entire time…”

Her mom rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t going to let you have anything less than you were deserving of. So yes, I lied a little. I also knew you were pregnant before you said anything because I found your pregnancy test in the trash weeks before graduation. I had to stop all of this. Everything was to protect you. And to protect Azelie. This…Thisboydoesn’t deserve Azelie or you, andyou know it!”

“You’re right,” I said and stepped forward. “I don’t deserve either of them. But I damn sure would’ve spent every fucking moment of the rest of my life doing whatever I had to do to maybe someday earn that privilege. But you took that from me. You took that from Colette. And you took that from Azelie, too.”

“They had Liam! Liam was good for them, much better than you,” her dad finally said.

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