Page 67 of Why We Break

Both Margaret and Caroline’s mouths are open in shock, but I continue. “I don’t really know how it happened, but I gave him my entire heart that summer. We promised each other forever and made plans to move back here when we were both done with school. All we wanted was to start a family together.”

I pause to take a sip of my wine, and Margaret interrupts, “Wait. What? I know I’m still new here, but this doesn’t make any sense. I thought y’all hated each other. What the hell happened?”

“I’m getting to it,” I say, looking over at Caroline who still hasn’t said anything. “Just let me finish before you decide you hate me, okay?”

“I could never hate you, Han,” she says, wrapping her arm around me. “I’m just shocked. I mean, I’ve always thought y’all would be great together if you ever stopped wanting to rip each other’s heads off. And don’t get me wrong, there’ve been times that I definitely was a little suspicious. I just never thought you’d ever really go for it.”

“Totally understandable. But as for what happened, here’s where it kinda gets ugly.”

“I swear to God if he broke your heart and you’ve just let me live in oblivion…” Caroline mutters, leaning back on the couch and crossing her arms over her chest.

I smile sadly at that before responding. “Not quite. Actually, I was the one who called it off.”

Pausing and tipping back my wine, I drain my glass before deciding to go for it. “Right before the summer ended, I went to the doctor to get on birth control, and it didn’t go well. He was the biggest ass I’ve ever met, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. But instead of explaining it and talking me through it, he told me that I’d never be able to have children. I knew that the life that Will and I had planned was never gonna happen so I ended it.”

“And he let you walk away because some doctor said you might not be able to have children. What a fucking pig!” Caroline blurts, and Margaret nods along with her.

“I didn’t tell him why,” I mutter, and both of my friends freeze at that.

“Oh, Han,” Caroline mutters. “What did you say then?”

“I told him that there was no future with me, and I didn’t want to be together. That it had just been a silly summer fling, and I hadn’t meant a word when I said I wanted us to stay together. I didn’t know all the details at the time, but apparently, he was also dealing with some stuff with his dad. Honestly, I don’t think either of us were in the right headspace that day to have any sort of real healthy communication.”

“Well that does make sense, but, Hannah, it’s been years. Why didn’t you talk to him after everything settled?”

I smile sadly, nodding in agreement. “I should have. I’d actually hyped myself up to do it. But life kind of struck again, and by the time I got it together it felt like too late.”

“What else happened?” Caroline asks, her eyes wide.

“You’re gonna be mad,” I mutter, feeling the guilt tightening in my chest as I brace myself to drop the rest of the truth on them.

My best friend leans over and hugs me again, before responding, “I promise I won’t, Han. I just want to understand.”

“Well, I promised myself that I’d talk through everything with him as soon as we both moved home. I got a second and third opinion, and I was feeling pretty good about what the future might look like. But then, I had my appendectomy.”

“I remember that. I was already home, and you insisted I didn’t have to come back,” Caroline adds. “But I guess there was more to it?”

I nod. “Yeah. It turns out that my appendix wasn’t all they had to take. In addition to the PCOS, I had something called endometriosis. It doesn’t show up on scans or anything, so they had no idea. Most people just have it on their ovaries and stuff, but mine had spread. It fused a lot of my organs together, and it basically killed off everything. There wasn’t anything they could do, so they had to do an emergency hysterectomy.”

My voice shakes at that, and I wipe a lone tear as it streams down my face. Caroline and Margaret stare at me for a moment in shock, before Caroline throws herself at me, knocking me over with the force of her hug. “Oh my God, Hannah. I’m so fucking sorry. I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with all this on your own. I’m not mad, but why didn’t you tell me?”

I hug her back, as I try to figure out how to make her understand. “Honestly, I don’t really know. I’m sorry, Caro. I just felt like if I talked about it, it was real you know? I thought that if I could just pretend none of it had happened, then it’d be okay. And by the time that happened there was just so much, and I didn’t know where to start.

Margaret leans over and squeezes my hand. “I get it. I know I’m still kinda new here, and this was a little before my time but this was so much for you to process. There’s no way to deal with grief, Hannah.”

Caroline nods. “She’s right. None of this is about me. I just hope you knew that I would have been there for you, and you didn’t have to take this all on by yourself.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept this from you,” I tell her, as we both wipe the tears that have started streaming down our faces.

“But wait. What about you and Will? Does he still not know? And why act like you both hated each other all this time?” Margaret asks.

I blush at that, thinking back to all the silly arguments Will and I have had over the last few years. “Well, I overheard him telling Seth how much he couldn’t stand me a few years ago, so I decided to act like I hated him as much as I thought he hated me. It turns out we were both wrong—we were just both sexually frustrated.”

The girls laugh at that before I continue. “Will does know. I actually fessed up to him last night, and he encouraged me to talk to y’all.”

“Last night?” Caroline asks, raising her eyebrows. “But you were with us last night…”

“He came over after I got home. We’ve been acting like idiots, and we thought we could be just sex. But, I guess you could say we failed at that.”

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