Page 13 of Why We Break

Caroline and I both smile at the girl in front of us, before she says, “Of course, Maggie. You know we’ll both do anything we can to help you.”

“That’s right,” I add. “Your tumbling has come a long way already, and I’m sure that with a few more training sessions, you’ll be able to out-flip and out-full anyone out there.”

Maggie smiles and moves to hug us both, and I have to choke down the wave of emotion that threatens to overtake me. Maggie lost her mom to breast cancer a few years ago when she was a freshman on the squad, and Caroline and I have done everything we can to support her and her dad in the aftermath.

“Thank you so much. I know we’re about to be gearing up for comp season, but just whenever either of you have time. Seriously, I’m so grateful,” Maggie says, before grabbing her things and heading out the side door.

“Gosh, I hope she makes it, wherever she ends up,” Caroline says as we both start to head toward the parking lot.

“Me too. But she’s super talented. I think she’ll be fine,” I say, checking my phone as we walk out to our cars and trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut when I see I’ve missed calls from the bank and the local farm supply company I use. When I’m teaching and coaching, it’s hard to focus on all the problems I have at home since my day consists of putting out a million little fires in my classroom. But as soon as I walk away, it’s like all the other problems rush in, determined to see how fast they can ramp up my anxiety.

I put my phone back in my bag, and try to put the calls out of my mind as I listen to Caroline talk about ideas she has for the wedding. It’s after five now, so there’s no point in worrying about it today, but it doesn’t help my nerves any as I think about the pile of bills that arrived earlier this week.

“Earth to Hannah. You good?” Caroline asks, and I pause to realize she stopped a few steps back and is waiting on me to answer.

“Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, but even I know I don’t sound convincing.

“Come on, Han. You’ve gotta talk to me. What’s going on? Is it your gramps?” she asks, concern obvious on her face.

I open my mouth to insist that I really am okay, but I can’t get any words to come out. Instead, I feel a lump rise in my throat and suddenly I’m fighting tears. “I promise I’m fi—” I start, but before I can force the lie from my lips, my control over my emotions fades and I start to sob.

Caroline’s face morphs into a mask of concern and she stops as we make it to the staff parking lot. Without a word, she immediately drops her bags to pull me into her arms and traces her hand soothingly down my back.

After a minute, she says, “Come on, Han, you know you can talk to me. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together.”

“I—I—I just can’t do it.” I sob, trying to choke down the tears that are flowing down my cheeks. I despise crying, but now that I’ve started, I don’t seem to be able to stop. I take a moment to be grateful that the parking lot is deserted, as Caroline continues to wait for me to continue.

“Did something happen with your gramps?” she finally asks after a few minutes, and I gulp in a deep breath of air, trying to regain my composure to answer her question.

“Everything's just falling apart, Caro,” I whisper, wiping my tears with the arm of my sweatshirt. “I thought if I tried hard enough, I could hold everything together, but I just can’t. And every time I think I have one thing put back together, something else seems determined to break down.”

My best friend continues to rub her hand down my arm and nods at me to continue. It’s like I can’t stop the words from spilling out of me now that I’ve started, and I let it all out. “We’re so behind on the farm, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Even when Gramps was at home, we were barely staying afloat, but now that I’m trying to do it all by myself… Plus, the damn place is falling apart, and everything costs a fortune. And on top of all that, the nursing home told me last night that I’m gonna have to come up with another thousand dollars a month because insurance is refusing to continue paying for his services. So unless I win the lottery, it’s looking like we could end up losing the farm.”

I haven’t allowed myself to say those words out loud, but hearing the reality of the situation causes me to dissolve into a fresh fit of tears. Caroline doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just stands beside me as I grapple with my emotions before she says, “Han, I’m so sorry. I hate that you’ve been trying to deal with all of this on your own, but you know we’re here for you. And I don’t care what you say, but you aren’t losing the farm. We’ll come up with something to make this all work. I don’t know what it is yet, but there has to be a way. But we can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on. You’ve always been the one that holds us together, but you have to let us help you, Han.”

I know she’s right but the idea of burdening our friends with my predicament made me feel sick to my stomach. “I know you’re right, but I just feel like the biggest failure ever. Five generations of my family have found a way to keep the farm going and after a year of me taking it over, I’ve driven the damn thing into the ground.”

“Bullshit,” my best friend says, and I blink at her in confusion.

“What?” I ask. “You and I both know it’s true.”

“Hannah, you can’t be serious. Yes, your family has kept the farm going for generations, and that’s definitely an accomplishment, but we both know that your gramps was struggling with a lot of this before his heart attack. And I’m sure if he heard you talking like this, it would break his heart. I know it looks pretty bleak right now, but this isn’t all your fault. Let’s talk to the guys and Margaret this weekend and I’m sure they can help us come up with some ideas.”

“Fuck,” I groan. “There’s no way I can talk about this with Will. He’ll find something smart to say about how I can’t help but ruin everything I touch or some other stupid shit like that.”

“Now Hannah Scott, you can’t be serious. I know you and Will have this weird thing between you two, and you stay at each other’s throats, but you and I both know that he would want to help. He cares about you, and he loves that farm too.”

I blow out a frustrated breath, knowing she’s right, but not wanting to acknowledge the truth in her words as she continues, “Listen, I’m not going to force you to share anything if you don’t want to, but I think you should. I bet the men could have some ideas on how to do some of the upkeep without spending too much, and Margaret might have some thoughts about other ways to bring in some revenue too. Just think about it, okay? I know you think you’re Superwoman, but you don’t have to hold it all together by yourself.”

I feel my throat tighten again, and I nod in agreement. “Okay, okay, I will. I promise.”

“Plus, it’s like we always say, brighter days ahead, right?” Caroline adds, referring to a phrase we’ve used for most of our friendship to remind ourselves that the hard times don’t last forever. “There’s nothing we can’t figure out.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I tell her with a smile, pulling her into a hug. “Thanks for always being my hype woman.”

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried,” she teases. After a minute, she looks around the quickly darkening parking lot. “Well, we both better head home. You and I both know that the kids probably have both of us on their hit list tonight, and Theo’s been talking for weeks about his plan of attack.”

I can’t stop the laugh that bubbles out of me at the thought of her grumpy soon-to-be husband devising a plan for a group of teenagers rolling his house as part of the Homecoming traditions. “Oh yeah, and what all does this plan entail?” I ask, unable to keep my curiosity at bay.

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