Page 45 of Happily Never After

Bang. Something metallic clanged backstage.

Claire whipped her head around. The back of her neck prickled. “Do you hear something?” she whispered to Mindy.

As she pulled the curtain back, Brianna shrieked onstage. Peg, a high-energy Doberman who had shown off her rolling-over ability, barreled through the curtain and snatched the treat from the air. She trotted across the stage and stood on her back legs, putting her front paws on Brianna.

“Shit! How did she get out? We need to get her back in the crate.”

“Uh, Claire?” Mindy called from backstage.

“What?”

Mindy pointed to the crating area with a shaking finger. A dozen crate doors hung wide open. The only animal still inside was Toots, an overweight chihuahua who wasn’t about to let some silly crate door tell him what to do. Claire shut his door and turned to Mindy.

“Oh my god. Get Gloria.”

Screams and laughter came from the audience. Claire barreled back onstage. Felix and Archer, two chubby ginger cats, had leapt onto the tables and started eating leftovers. Cracker, an eighteen-year-old African gray parrot, hung from the chandelier. Septimus, a notoriously naughty kitten, was crawling up the curtains on the side of the stage.

Brodie had taken a poo on stage left. Maggie was running through the tables, pausing for a head scratch or offered scrap. Peg had bounded the length of the hall twice, zooming from one corner to the other. She leapt over a table and hurtled into the owner of a local sporting goods store. His chair tipped, whichknocked against the table, which sent everything crashing to the floor.

Fuck.They totally weren’t getting their security deposit back. Luke chased Peg, but every time he was close to snatching her collar, she would jump away from him and knock into another table.

Hurry, hurry. Shit. Claire whipped the curtain back and dug around in a closet until she found a ladder. She dragged it across the stage and set it up. Septimus was already eight feet off the ground. Her shoes hit the ladder with athunk.Her heart in her throat, she scaled the rungs as quickly as her sequined costume allowed.

Septimus meowed at her as she tugged him gently from the curtain. She clutched him to her chest as she descended. This was a disaster. She needed help. Someone needed to round up these animals. Rosie stood at the bottom of the ladder, one paw on a rung.

“Rosie.” Claire made firm eye contact with the corgi. “Go.” She pointed to the ruckus unfolding below. This was a problem that only the Fun Police could solve.

Rosie took off like a rocket, barking and nipping at the other dogs’ heels. Claire ran backstage with Septimus. Two down, eighteen to go. She scooped up Brodie next and narrowly missed stepping in the steaming present he had left behind.

Audience members had clambered to their feet. Some took videos with their phones while others tried in vain to help. Nicole and Kyle cornered a cat behind one of the bars. Sawyer pulled a bag of dog treats out of his pocket and convinced Maggie to follow him.

Peg appeared onstage. Her stump of a tail was pointed down and her head bowed. She ran from Rosie. Claire held her crate door open, and she crawled inside and sat down.

“Good girl,” Claire said, tossing a treat to Rosie. “Keep going.” She pointed back out to the audience. Who in the hell would have let all these animals out? The backstage area had been deserted, but there was no security on the doors that led outside. Anyone could have come in.

Her stomach twisted into a knot. Was it insane to think that ESA might have had something to do with this? Did they really have the balls to ruin a charity event? There was time to worry about that later.

Ten minutes later, all the animals were contained in their crates. Mindy had a scratch on her cheek from Felix, who most certainly didnotwant to get back into captivity. Claire had two carpet-burned knees and a sizable bump on her head from chasing after Archer.

The two of them walked back onstage, looking like they had just been through a war. “Well, that was fun.” The audience tittered. “How about a little something for our nerves? A quick round of Fireball for everyone,” she called to the waitstaff. It was time to start liquoring the crowd back up, and hopefully the dinner would prevent anyone from projectile vomiting during the event.

When everyone had been served, Claire and Mindy held their shot glasses up to the crowd. “To Tender Hearts.” Most of the audience drank their shots. It was time to start the auction.

Three hours later, Claire dumped half a dozen bank bags into the safe in Luke’s trunk.

“I can’t believe you made that much money,” he said, slamming the trunk lid.

“Even all the calendars sold. I have to order more. But really it was mostly thanks to Brianna. I never thought we’d actually get someone to spend $10,000 just to take her to Burger King,” Claire mused, fumbling with the buttons on her ringmastercostume. She would rather ride home fully naked than spend another second in this corset.

“I heard the guy talking to Bri. He asked if he could transfer the date with him into her taking his son to the prom.”

“That’s kind of adorable,” she said.

“Claire!” someone called across the parking lot. Gloria jogged toward them.

“I can’t thank you enough.” She wrapped Claire in a hug. A risky move considering the amount of sweat on her body.

Claire smiled. “It was nothing. I can’t believe all the animals were adopted.”

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