Page 118 of Happily Never After

“Hang on. I think I’m going to need a drink. Can I get you one?” Brianna asked as she saw the first of seventy PowerPoint slides.

Claire shook her head. During the post-rage-room session Charlie had bullied her into, Dr. Goulding had prescribed another medication—a sleeping pill. Mixing with alcohol was definitely not recommended. Her liver, at least, could stop being mad at her.

“I will take a cupcake, though.”

Brianna disappeared and reappeared with a glass of wine and two cupcakes. She handed one to Claire. “All right. I’m ready.”

“Are you sure? Because there’s no turning back now. And we can’t tell Jack. If he finds out, he’s going to be very angry.” Claire took one frosting-covered finger and pointed to the title slide, which she had just updated to read “Claire and Bri Take Down the Patriarchy” in WordArt.

Brianna squared her shoulders. “Let’s do it.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

To Do:

- Sephora gift cards for Bri and Charlie

- Figure out how to put life back together

Raisedvoices jolted Claire awake the next morning. Her eyes snapped open, and without stopping to think she rolled out of bed and onto the floor. The designated under-the-bed baseball bat was cool to the touch as she withdrew it.

She barely even paused to register that she had not sleepwalked.

“What’s going on?” Brianna’s head popped up from a cot on the floor. She flung her sheets off.

“Voices,” Claire said. She rose and snapped the curtains open. If a member of ESA was out there trying to kill her private security guy, she was going to have to fight him in Luke’s Navy sweatshirt and corgi-print panties.

The bottom dropped out of her stomach. Oh, hell. There she was. Alice Alejo, dressed in a hot pink track suit and arguingloudly with the security officer. Claire dropped the baseball bat and ran down the stairs two at a time. Brianna and the dogs chased after her. She missed one step and fell, spectacularly crashing down the stairs and banging her elbows off every ninety-degree angle in sight. She crumpled in a heap at the bottom and moaned.

“Are you okay?” Brianna rushed to her side.

“I’m fine.” Every part of her body already hurt from being abducted and nearly drowned. What was a few more bumps? She clambered to her feet and thrust the door open.

“Mom, what are you doing?” Claire stood in the morning sun, corgi underwear and all.

“There, see? She called me Mom. Honestly.” Alice slung her purse back over her shoulder and stomped across the grass. Was that the flash of a Taser being tucked into Alice’s bag? The man in the SoCal Security polo raised his eyebrows at Claire, and she nodded. He got back in the car.

“Darling, what are you wearing?” Alice’s carry-on hit the porch with a thump and her arms snaked around Claire in a suffocating hug.

“Pajamas,” Claire said defensively.

“Not that, though I do wish you’d put on pants before you open the door. On your face.”

“Huh?” She ran a hand over her face. Apparently her new anti-sleepwalking medication had been so effective that she had fallen asleep before she could remove the false mustache Brianna had glued onto her the night before. Their efforts to disguise her as a man had been surprisingly successful, and it hadn’t exactly raised her self-confidence.

“Ah, well. That’s?—”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Alice pulled back and took Claire by both arms, shaking her a little. Tears had welled up in hermother’s eyes. “I can’t believe you got abductedagain. Where was your Taser? Why didn’t you call the police?”

Claire’s shoulders slumped. Her fifty-five-year-old mother had managed to incapacitate her attacker with nothing but a rolling pin. Claire had been in one of the most populated cities in the world with a litany of weapons at her disposal and self-defense training, and she had still almost died. How embarrassing.

“Come in, Mom.” The door creaked open behind her.

Alice was momentarily distracted by Rosie’s delirious joy at seeing her grandmother. Bri passed Claire a pair of shorts on her way into the kitchen, and Claire scrambled into them.

This was not going to be good. Alice wasn’t exactly adept at de-escalating crises. If anything, she was only going to stir up more trouble—probably in the form of yet another PI. And a well-paid new PI was sure to tattle on Claire if she infiltrated a men’s rights conference.

Brianna appeared from the kitchen, two steaming mugs of coffee in hand.

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