Page 29 of Faking It (and falling in love)

“No, you’re amazing,” said Alex. “You did the scariest thing ever. You changed your whole life because you realised who you really were. You left your husband and became a single parent. You’ve started again without looking back, at the same time as being a really hot, high-powered lawyer. And don’t get me started on your hair and how you never leave the house without your lipstick on and an amazing jacket.” She moved her finger.“You are probably the most impressive, cool, attractive person I know.”

The bar was busy, and the crowd moved, pushing the two women together so their faces were nearly touching. Philippa parted her lips to respond, but she didn’t know what to say. It was the most Alex had ever said in one go, and it was taking a little time to process it. Alex reached out her hand to touch Philippa’s side, steadying them both against the bar. In the crowd, they had somehow found a moment of privacy to themselves.

Philippa felt Alex’s eyes on her before she felt her lips. Alex’s lips on her lips. The gentlest touch. Her brain froze, but her body didn’t. She’d not kissed a woman before, but somehow, that wasn’t even a consideration. What stunned her was the way this had seemed to happen organically. That was new. She’d never been in a moment where a kiss had felt inevitable before. She pressed into Alex, who moved a hand to her back.

“Here you go, ladies,” came the bored bartender’s voice, and the women sprang back. Their drinks. Philippa had forgotten about those. She’d forgotten about everything.

“I need a moment,” said Philippa, pushing through the crowd and racing to the door of the bar, before hitting the cold night air.

Chapter Twenty-One

Philippa was reeling. She stumbled out of the pub and made her way down the street alone. The pouring rain soaked her almost immediately, but she didn’t notice. She walked blindly towards the taxi rank, trying to work out whether it was fear she felt, or elation. Either way, she couldn’t stay in there.

The surface water on the road reflected the car headlights and revellers’ feet. Music blasting out of different bars fell on her ears, a low bass drum beat echoing the beat of her heart. Everything had changed. But she didn’t know what came next.

Running feet, behind her. “Phil, Phil,” called a voice. She paused for a moment and looked back. “I’m sorry,” said the familiar face. “Please, just wait. God, this rain, where did that come from?”

Philippa stopped on the pavement and allowed Alex to catch up.

“Are you ok?” asked Alex, approaching Philippa and placing a hand on each of her shoulders.

“I’m not sure,” said Philippa, opting for honesty and looking up at the falling raindrops.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” Alex was biting her lip.

“You’re sorry?” said Philippa looking down again, trying to get to grips with the swirl of emotions inside her. The rain was still falling, and she was getting steadily wetter.

“It wasn’t fair to you,” said Alex. “It was a momentary lapse.”

“A lapse?” Philippa frowned. “A lapse in what? In reality? In fakery? This isn’t real.”

“No,” said Alex, “I know. Which is why I’m sorry.”

Philippa took a deep breath. If she was going to be true to herself, she needed to be honest. She spoke quietly. “I sort of don’t want you to be sorry, though.”

Alex looked at Philippa, but didn’t speak.

“I wanted you to kiss me,” said Philippa. “I liked you kissing me. It was the perfect full stop to the sentences we’d been speaking. It felt right. And yes,” she said, pushing her drooping soggy hair out of her eyes, “I know you’re not my girlfriend and I’m not yours, but that felt real to me.”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Well, I suppose that’s why I’m sorry. It was real. It felt real to me, too.”

Philippa’s heart rate increased. “So what does that mean?”

“It means we need to be careful. I don’t want to hurt you, and I know I could. I don’t think you want casual right now, and I don’t know that I can offer you anything meaningful.” Alex looked down at her feet and Philippa felt her heart sink.

“I mean, you’re right,” said Philippa. “I don’t want casual. I can’t do casual at the same time as being a proper mum to Dottie. I want to meet someone, but only if they’re the right person at the right time. I don’t want to put you under pressure to be in anything you don’t want to be in. Can you look at me for a minute?”

Blood was rushing in her ears as Alex looked up, her eyes red. Philippa had to say this, even though she knew the likely outcome.

“You’re a far, far better person than you give yourself credit for. So what if you’ve had casual flings? It doesn’t sound as though you’ve ever lied to anyone or pretended you’re more available than you are. And I need to be completely honest with you, because I spent so much of my life not being true to myself. I am attracted to you. I think I could be with you and even feel things for you. So yes, I don’t want casual, but I do want you.”

Philippa held out a hand to take one of Alex’s. “And it’s fine. I’m not putting you under any pressure here, but I couldn’t leave and not tell you how I feel. I think we could be something, given the chance. Perhaps I’m being naïve, but I do. And I know that’s not what you want. I’m not telling you to try to persuade you to change your mind. I’m telling you because I want you to know. I need you to know. Nothing needs to change, we can still be friends. Although I do wonder about the wisdom of pretending to be together, given we’re now standing here in the pouring rain like Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell.”

Alex laughed. “Am I Hugh or Andie?”

“Neither,” said Philippa. “You’re Alex, and I’m rather fond of you. But if you had to be one, I’d say Hugh.”

“Fair,” said Alex. “Thank you for saying such nice things to me. You really are very kind. And thank you for understanding.” She squeezed Philippa’s hand and dropped it. “You’re right. There is something here, but it’s my turn to be honest with you. I told you I was in a long relationship. Well, I got divorced last year.”

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