Page 22 of Mutual Obsession

Although there’s a lot that I have to hide from him, I get the feeling he’s hiding things, too. It’s like we both know the other isn’t being totally honest, but since we can’t give them it in return, we’re opting for the age old saying of ‘ignorance is bliss’.

I thought that might bother me, knowing that he’s hiding stuff from me, and that I can’t open up to him the way he deserves, but honestly, it’s a bit of a relief knowing he’s doing the same thing.

Initially, the guilt of hiding things from him made my stomach twist, and I was convinced that I should stop seeing him if I couldn’t give him all of me. So, knowing he was holding back as well was almost freeing.

I never thought I’d meet someone who made me want to be with them constantly. The demons from my past have messed me up beyond recognition, and I thought I wasn’t capable of feelings, or being with another man. Yet Miles has this incredible ability to make me forget all about the past, and who I was before. He just wants to get to know Dee—who I am now—and I’m grateful for that.

The realisation that I like Miles—like,reallylike him—hit me a lot sooner than I was expecting, after just eight days, but it’s easy to see why. He’s gorgeous, he makes me laugh, and more than anything, he really sees me. He makes me feel alive, and after years of darkness, that’s a heady sensation.

It wasn’t long after that realisation that the panic started seeping in. I can pretend while I’m with him, but when I’m alone with my thoughts, I can’t hide from reality. There’s no possible way we can have a future together, and pretty soon, I’ll have to move on, like I always do, leaving him behind.

I try to squash those thoughts, telling myself that after everything I’ve been through, I deserve at least a little happiness, even if it can only ever end in heartbreak.

I can’t bring myself to think about how much I might hurt Miles. That’s the last thing I want, and even though it’s a certainty, I can’t stop seeing him. He’s my drug, and I’m going to be weak for just a little longer.

As soon as I climb out of my car and see Miles waiting for me, with a bright smile on his face, all the other thoughts are pushed from my mind. He tells me to live in the moment, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll deal with the future when it gets here.

I practically run over to him, and he doesn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms, pressing a kiss against the top of my head. I surprised myself with how quickly and easily I allowed Miles to touch me, but he’s made me feel safe from the moment I met him, so it came naturally.

He takes a step back as he drags his gaze over my body, his eyes turning hungry as he takes in my denim shorts that stop high on my thighs, and the off-the-shoulder black top that shows off a patch of skin around my belly button. His stare is fixed on my pale legs, before he takes in my arse and hips.

“You look gorgeous,” he tells me with such sincerity, I feel my cheeks flush.

“Thanks, so do you,” I reply, taking in the way his black jeans hug his hips and arse in just the right way. Don’t even get me started on how his T-shirt stretches over his muscles, looking like a second skin.

The guy is so far out of my league, I think to myself.

Miles reaches out and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers together, as he gives me his signature smirk that makes my stomach flip. He pulls me down the street, whilst continuing to walk backwards, so he doesn’t have to take his eyes off me.

“Are you ready for me to kick your arse at crazy golf?” he asks, wagging his eyebrows at me in challenge.

I can’t help but laugh. “Bring it on,” I tell him, even though I’m not remotely competitive. I’m just happy to be spending time with him, feeling more alive than I have in a while.

With each hole we play, our laughter and banter becomes louder and more fun. It’s so easy to relax around Miles, and I watch him becoming almost lighter, too.

He hides it well, but I’m an expert in masking the darkness. I see the dark circles under his eyes, like he’s not slept properly in days, and the far off look he gets when he thinks I’m not paying attention. It’s almost as though he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he’s trying to ignore it all to be present with me.

We finish all eighteen holes, and in a result that I’m sure will shock nobody, Miles won—we won’t discuss by how much. Golf is not my sport, but I had so much fun, the result doesn’t matter.

After we’ve handed out clubs back to the young girl at the entrance, Miles takes hold of my hand again and leads me towards the seafront. “Shall we get some fish and chips?”

I give him a nod of approval and let him lead the way. As soon as we’ve been handed our food on trays and old newspapers, we walk over to a bench that’s overlooking the sea. We sit in silence for a bit, eating our food, whilst listening to the relaxing noise of the waves crashing in front of us.

Even though we seem to have this unwritten rule not to ask anything too personal, the words slip out before I can stop them, spurred on by my concern for the sweet boy next to me.

“Is everything okay with you? You look really tired, like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

For a moment, as the deafening quiet stretches between us, I think I’ve overstepped, and he’s not going to respond. Instead, he lets out a long sigh, his shoulders sagging as he does.

“It’s nothing major, really. I just have a lot going on with my family right now. We haven’t really talked about our families yet, and I didn’t want to bring it up and make you uncomfortable.”

I give him a small smile as I try to hide my own sigh. I love that he cares about me enough to censor his conversations to protect me, but I don’t want him to have to do that. I want to know all of him, even if that’s something I can’t reciprocate.

I knew this conversation was coming, since the moment I said yes to a date that night in the pub when we first met. I’m actually surprised I’ve avoided it for so long. Discussing your family, the people that raised you, and your past, are usually one of the first ‘getting to know you’ topics.

I’ve always had a long list of lies at the ready, and I pick the one I think will fit most with the new life I’ve created in the new town. But this time, none of the options come to me with ease, the way they have in the past, and I quickly realise it’s because I don’t like the idea of lying to Miles.

Lying by omission is a grey area, as is bending the truth slightly—like with my name—but giving him a bare-faced lie just feels wrong, even if it is essential.

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