Page 84 of Beautiful Broken Love

Lew was everywhere, and I expected to feel a sense of betrayal or a pang of guilt when I saw them, but for once, I didn’t. It caught me by surprise.

Something had shifted since the last time I’d set foot in my house ... or maybe I was still drowning in lust and delirium and couldn’t be bothered with sadness.

I sipped my coffee and stared at a wedding portrait of us on one of the bookshelves. I smiled at the couple smiling back at me.Yeah. Something is definitely changing.

I glanced down at the wedding rings on my finger. The diamond glittered from the recessed lighting, and my eyes stung. I blinked, cooling the burn and setting my coffee down.

I headed to my bedroom and hovered by the bed a moment, taking note of the tiny changes that’d happened in the last couple of weeks.

The changed sheets, the dusted blinds, and Lew’s clothes packed into containers, which were stacked neatly beneath the window.

The vintage hat rack, now with more space since I organized his baseball caps in the closet.

These were all small changes—baby steps I took with Octavia that I didn’t realize were so monumental at the time.

I’d wanted to keep my house the same and let Lew’s former presence linger so I could find him in every corner, in every accidental spill of juice on the carpet, and even the SNICKERS candy wrappers on his side of the bed.

A few days after he died, I’d found a SNICKERS wrapper beneath his side and couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. I’d let it sit there for weeks just to look at it and remember the way the caramel drooped to his chin with every first bite of his favorite chocolate bar.

I turned toward my dresser in the corner and opened the jewelry box on top of it. The box was made of black velvet, with glass knobs. Lew had given it to me as a Christmas gift two years ago.

I released a ragged breath as I looked down at my wedding rings. My fingers were shaking, and my throat thickened with emotion. Iswallowed to remove the blockage building in my throat, then inhaled as I twisted them off.

I’d never taken them off—not since Lew and I got married ... but we weren’t married anymore,were we? I was a widow who grieved my husband’s loss every single day, but what Tish said the night before rang true.

There was no dedicated time to accept someone’s loss, to be happy, or to embrace a new chapter. There was only today and the future. Lewis wasnevercoming back to me, and for the first time inmonths, I was willing to accept that.

All this time, I’d had this stupid notion in my head that if I hung on long enough—if I thought about him hard enough—he would materialize in some way. I’d imagined he’d reappear, waltz through the front door of our house, and wrap me in his arms.

His death hadn’t been real to me. I couldn’t fathom it—my best friend being gone, the light of my life out of the picture. Denial, oddly enough, was the worst part of grieving. Holding on to all that hope, for nothing to happen.

No, he wasn’t coming back, but he hadn’t left me either. He was still there in that beating heart of mine. I was still his, and he was right. I needed to be happy. For once in my life, I needed to choose myself and to putmefirst.

After swiping the moisture from my eyes, I placed the rings inside the jewelry box and closed it.

FORTY-FOUR

DEKE

It’d been three weeks since I last saw Davina, and it was killing me. During my personal training and practices, she was all I could think about.

The good thing is we stayed in touch. I loved getting to hear her voice and see her on FaceTime. I loved hearing her bubbly laugh and watching her blush.

We probably could’ve seen each other sooner, had our schedules not been so hectic. Whenever I wasn’t booked up for business-related stuff or attending an event, Davina was busy.

Her products had hit the shelves of some pretty popular retail stores. She sent me a picture of herself standing in front of the display shelves with an open-mouthed grin and a thumbs-up, like it was the best day of her life. And maybe it was. It was a proud moment for her. All that hard work and time she’d invested into GOC was paying off. Attached to the shelf was a life-size cutout of me modeling the products.

“I’m jealous of that paper model,” I told her when she’d FaceTimed me that night. I was lying on my couch, holding the phone with one hand and stroking Zeke’s head with the other.

“Why?” She smiled behind a mouthful of pasta.

“Because that should’ve been me there. Paper Deke could’ve taken my place here at home, waiting for a flight.”

She giggled at that.

“When am I going to see you again?” I asked, tucking a throw pillow behind my head.

“Not sure. I’ll be meeting with Kyla soon to discuss some stuff. Next couple of days will be busy.”

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