Page 23 of The Lies Always Told

BARELY BREATHING

Classy 101 byFeid and Young Miko & Wait by M83

Gus

Nothing can comeout of this. Nothing can happen after tomorrow. She’s a family friend. She lives in a different town. She just finished college. She’s starting a new job, a new life. She’s beautiful. She’s passionate. She’s kind. She’s funny. She’s smart.

Fuck, Gus. Fuck.I drag my hands over my face and cross my leg over my lap as I watch Nellie sound asleep on the bed below deck. We spent the night in the boat, talking, kissing, and having sex. She’s insatiable, and I’m happy to oblige. I can’t seem to shake it, either. I need to keep myself in check, because after tomorrow, she’ll go back to her life, and I’ll go back to mine. I doubt I’ll be able to do that unscathed, considering how she’s been living inside my thoughts for a month. Now that I’ve had her in my arms, in my bed, now that I know what she tastes like, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgether. I have to. I have too much shit going on. She likes fun and honesty, and I can be both of those things, but not for long periods of time. Not without my body breaking in front of her and dragging her into more problems. Another reason why I don’t date. I’m not about to give my shitty heart to someone and then expect them to handle it with the care it needs while putting a strain on theirs.

The waves cradle the sailboat, moving it front and back. Nellie is fast asleep, her dark hair a contrast against the white linen covering the bed, her lips slightly parted as she dreams. Or I hope she does. Someone as smart as she is should have dreams that reach the sky and beyond.

I get up and walk to the bed, sitting beside her and whispering, “Hey, sleepy head.”

“Go away,” she mumbles, moving side to side and pulling the blanket on top of her.

“I want to show you something.” I hold her hand and trace small circles on her wrist over a faint scar. Maybe in another life, I could ask her about it.

“Is it even morning yet? Why are you up so early? Did you even go to sleep?”

I chuckle at the questions she’s firing off, but I don’t answer any of them. “Come on, I made coffee.”

“Iced?”

“Yes, come on.” I watched her drink iced coffee these past two days as if they were water. She mentioned something about enjoying the taste of Café SantoDomingo, which makes me happy, considering I grew up on it my whole life. Nothing compares to the aroma and the bitter aftertaste. It’s not too overpowering, but it definitely tastes like coffee, not like a watered down version. No flavors, no sweeteners, just good coffee.

I hand her the glass, as she’s trying not to fall back on her face in exhaustion, but after a singular sip, her eyes snap to mine, and shesmiles.

“Perfect,” she whispers.

“Come on, let me show you something.” I give her my hand, wrapping her in a blanket and guiding her out of the cabin onto the deck. She gaps at the sight.

“Gus…where are we?”

“Mar adentro”

“Translation, please.”

“Out in the ocean. I wanted to show you the sunrise, and it’s not the same when you’re surrounded by the chaos of the pier. Out here, it’s just us, the water, the sky, and the sun.” I nod forward, and she follows my gaze.

“This is…this is breathtaking.” She sits right where she stands, taking it all in. The cloudless sky changes from dark blue, almost black with purple hues, to a lighter blue with shades of orange and yellow. I tilt her head to the right so she can see where the sun is coming up. “Breathtaking,” she whispers, taking a sip of her coffee and taking it all in.

The waves crash against the vessel, but it’s not too choppy, just enough to create a melody. The waves, the boat, and us. “Inspiring. Wow,” Nellie says again. The water starts lightening too, with every ray of sun giving it more life, making it feel more serene than eerie.

“What does it inspire you to do?” I ask, sitting behind her, my legs wrapping around her, pulling her flush against my chest.

“I don’t know…to breathe? To live? Cara’s always talking about how spending time outside helps her feel more alive, but I usually only feel like that in the water. This? This is something everyone should experience once in their lifetime. Thank you…” She trails off, and I nod as I lie my head on hers. “Is this why your hands are rough? Because you sail?”

I nod. “Sailing and rock climbing. I love them both for different reasons, but my hands don’t necessarily agree.” We sit, watching, sharing the silence worth more than a thousand words, and let the sun rise until it’s high above our heads.

“What inspires you, Gus?” she asks when I least expect it.

How do I tell her nothing and everything? How do I tell her I live inspired by everything around me and by absolutely nothing at the same time?

“It’s hard to find inspiration sometimes. If I overthink it, I won’t find any at all, so for the most part, I usually try to find something to look up to in the right here and right now.”

She tilts her head back, resting it on my chest and sliding down my body before she closes her eyes. I kiss her forehead, which makes her smile. She opens her eyes again, looking into mine but reaching directly into my soul. She can see right through me, and in this moment, I know. In this moment, I know I may not be able to move on from these past few days.

“What inspires you right now, then? Don’t bullshit me, Gus. Be honest.” I know she values honesty, and fuck, so do I, but vulnerability is a tougher one to breach. If we only have this time, these days, then maybe I can give her that.

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