Page 96 of The Lies Always Told

“Oh, could it?” My voice rises in frustration. “Why do you play around with your health like this?”

“I don’t, but Nellie, this is my life. It’s my every day. I’m always thinking about what could be causing something. Am I tired just from life, or is it an indication of something else ? Am I excited, euphoric, lustful, in love, or is my heart failing? Am I catching my breath because I worked out hard, or is it a failed stress activity? Am I eating too much salt? Did I take my medicine this morning? My throat is tingling—is it a swell? Is it an attack? Is it allergies? I have to be serious about it, but I also have to be a little nonchalant, or it won’t be able to livemy life. So yeah, I had some complications. We figured it out.”

My fingers curl into fists. “You were going through that, and instead of letting me help, you pushed me away? Why, Gus? Why?”

His jaw tightens. “Because I was a sinking vessel with a limited oxygen supply, and I wanted the chamber to be empty. I didn’t want you near. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well, guess what?” I push my chair back, standing abruptly. “You hurt me worse.”

I walk away, out of the kitchen and onto the porch, my pulse thrumming beneath my skin. The air outside is cool against my heated face as I step onto the back deck, my eyes falling on the still water of the pool—the pool I didn’t even get to use last time I was here because Gus hurt me so badly.

“I see that now,” he whispers from somewhere behind me, but I don’t move. Gus’ presence is a quiet force behind me. I can feel him before I hear him, the warmth of him at my back. His scent—minty and clean, softened by the lingering vanilla from the soap in the tub—wraps around me.

“I didn’t have any answers,” he says softly. “We didn’t know what was happening, Nellie. I know now how unfair that was to you, but at the time, all I wanted to do was protect you. I was scared, and, if I’m being honest, you jump to conclusions. You go from zero to one hundred, and there’s no getting through that. You need control, and this was not only out of your control, but mine too. Hell, even out of my doctor’s control. Last time we didn’t have answers to symptoms affecting me this much, I ended up hospitalized.”

I whisper, “I could have been there for you.” Could I, though? If he would have told me this, would I have listened? He was scared, and I pushed him away.

His breath hitches, just barely. “I didn’t want you hurting over something as frivolous as me, but now I see I hurt you either way. But, baby, I’m hurting too.”

My heart clenches. I turn to face him, my voice shaking. “What I feel for you isn’t frivolous.”

His hands find my arms, his touch gentle, reverent. His chin drops to my shoulder, his warmth seeping into me.

“I was trying to protect you,” he murmurs.

“Why? Why was it so important for you to protect me? Did you ever stop to think, to wonder that maybe in that situation,youwere the one who needed protecting?” I don’t drop his gaze, letting him see the anger behind my eyes. “Did you ever stop to ask whether, in that moment, maybe you needed to let someone help? To letme?I’m not brittle. I’m not fragile. The way I feel about you isn’t either. Stop throwing rocks when you have a glass house, Gus.”

“It’s because of the way I feel about you that I want to protect you. It’s a need to keep you safe. You said you hurt yourself so you could control the pain, so what was I going to do when everything I had was spiraling out of my control, huh? Was I going to let the woman I love suffer because she couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me? When nobody else could?”

The woman I love.I open my eyes wide and take a step back with a gasp. “You should’ve trusted I wasn’t going to hurt myself. You should’ve trusted I could handle it.”

“Doyouaccept help, Nellie? Or do you keep everyone at bay? Do you share your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your struggles…with anyone?”

“I SHARED THEM WITH YOU! I keptyouin the loop. I toldyoueverything, Gus, and then you left me alone.”

“You told me to leave!” he shouts.

“And you listened?” Oh my God. I sound insane. I stop and look at us, going in circles over the same thing over and over again. I stop in front of him, dumbfounded. The clarity I found that day before everything went down hits me again. He was scared… I was scared. We’re both one fucking wave, pulling back and crashing at the same time. Not blending. Not becoming one. Just parallels trying to coexist. Oh my God.

“Nellie…” He drags a hand down his face and shakes his head.

“Wait. I know you want me to listen. I get it now. I do. But oh my God. I was wrong, wasn’t I? I was hurting, and I just didn’t pay attention. You left me, but not because you wanted to. You left?—”

“Because you told me to.”

“Nobody ever listens to me,” I reply, thinking out loud more than anything else.I listen,he said when he got here. “But you listen. You watch. You pay attention.”

We wait, not saying anything, both of us suspended in time. So much hurt and loss has happened between us. So much pain. So much want. So muchlove.“I don’t deserve you.”

He holds my hand and pulls me to his chest, holding my head as he says, “You do. If I deserve you, you deserve me. We’re two mirrors reflecting each other but incomplete without one another. Neither of us know how to let each other in. Neither of us know how to let each other heal, and love, and feel.”

“You listened, even when what I asked wasn’t what I wanted. You kept trying to be near me, and I just…I responded with sharp words and a cold shoulder. I pushed you away. I hurt us.” My muffled cries hide my words when I don’t move my face from his chest. I can see it all in my head. The way he looks at me. The way he cares for me. His dark eyes never leaving me, no matter where we are—always finding me in the room.

“I kept you out, Nellie. Out of one part of my life there’s no controlling. One part of my life where there will always be questions and very few answers. I kept you out because I needed space to understand it before letting you in. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, let alone you. There wasnothing you could’ve done. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I did that, but I never stopped searching for you.”

His rough hand caresses my back as his other hand holds my head. “I never stopped caring. I don’t want you to push me away, and yes, maybe I should’ve fought harder, but Nellie, you didn’t fight at all. I felt disposable too.”

“I hurt you. I hurt him. I hurt everyone. I hurt?—”

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