Page 88 of The Lies Always Told

I wishI hadn’t slept last night. I wish I would’ve been able to stay up and watch her. Commit her to memory. Trace all her features over and over again until there’s no mistaking that every part of me knows her by heart. I want her curves imprinted, the way they feel under my hands. I want to see her every time I close my eyes, feel her lying next to me every time I open them. I want her vanilla-jasmine softness invading my senses. I want her hair on my face. I want to bury my face in it. I want to know exactly how many breaths she takes in a minute, how her pretty closed eyes, with her long lashes kissing the top of her rosy cheeks, take my breath away. I want to see, touch, breath, smell, taste, and feel Nellie. But that’s not what happened.

After we made love, I fell asleep with her in my arms.Love.Does she know that’s what was happening? Could she understand what I was telling her with my hands? With every touch? With every moan? My heart belongs to her. A shitty heart I’ve kept to myself all my life, but it has found a home within her. A heart that feels safe with her. I just hope she feels it too.

She’s my comfort, there’s no denying it. Now, I need to find a way to tell her. I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to see her. But I didn’t. My heart, my body, my soul, my mind—it all rests when I’m near her. And now, she’s not here. She must have left for school, but fuck, I should’ve stayed awake. I should’ve savored it all and waited for her so I could tell her as soon as she woke up. I was so afraid she might lose me, I didn’t stop to think what would happen if I lost her.

The phone buzzes on my nightstand. I toss to the side of the bed. ¿Las doce? Coño, ni yo me lo creo?1. I don’t remember the last time I slept past nine, let alone until noon. Manny’s calling, and for the looks of it, he’s been calling all morning.

“¿Qué?2?” I answer, my voice snappy and groggy with sleep.

“Where have you been?”

“Sleeping.”

“Jablador?3, you don’t sleep,” he says knowingly. There’s no denying the connection we share. He knows me better than most people, sometimes better than myself.

“There’s a first time for everything. Is the world burning more than usual. Why are you blowing up my phone?” Nellie’s world was turned upside down, but so was Manny’s. Nick was one of Cara’s best friends. Their entire group of friends has been mourning deeply, and Manny doesn’t know what to do. I guess this is what happenswhen you belong to the group by proxy and not because you grew up as friends. We’ve been talking almost every night, reminding each other thatjustbeingis enough. Listening to them is enough, even if we don’t have any answers. Even if we can hold them. That’s enough.

“Have you heard from Nellie?” he asks, anguish in his voice.

“Today? No, why?”

“When was the last time you saw her? She was at Nick’s funeral, and then nobody has heard anything from her since.”

“I saw her last night,” I reply, sitting up in bed, wide awake now.

“Where?”

“Here. She came here last night.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Manny, what’s going on? I’ve seen Nellie practically every day all week. Why should I have said anything at all? You know she’s been here. She was sadder than usual, but that’s expected, considering the day.”

“She didn’t go to work today. When did she leave your house?” What? I sit up and toss the blanket away.

“I don’t know,” I add, standing up and grabbing some clothes.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know because she left, and I slept all morning. I figured she left to go to work. I haven’t slept this heavily in a while.”

“Well, she didn’t show, and her phone’s going to voicemail,” he answers.

“Where are you?” I get up from the bed, phone in my ear as I slide shorts on and search for a shirt. I walk around, seeing if she left a message, if she said anything. I look on every hard surface. I look everywhere, and eventually, I see it: a small paper with four words. Four words that should make me feelat ease, but they make my skin prickle and the hair on my neck stand at attention.

Thank you for everything.

“I’m on my way to get an inconsolable Cara from school. We’re going to look for her.”

“I’ll do the same. Call me if you find her, please.”

I hang up the phone and immediately call Nellie.Voice message.Fuck, okay.

“Hey, Trouble. Could you call me back?” I leave the message with my soft voice. I don’t want her to think I’m upset. I don’t want her to be more upset. I hang up right after, sliding my shoes on and leaving my place. If they’re looking for her at home, I can look for her somewhere else. If she’s not at home…where does she feel at peace? Okay, beach first.

It’s now eight o’clock, and I’m almost to the place where I hope she is. We searched for a while; Cara and Manny looked everywhere in Baker Oaks. She’s not answering anyone’s calls. It’s as if her phone has been off all day. I called Abraham, and he asked Bee, but nothing. She wasn’t anywhere we thought to look until I heard her voice loud and clear in my head.

What’s your favorite place in the world, Gus? This is mine.

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